Speech by Andrew Painter

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Painter
Speech Date: oct 2002
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and for those than don't know me, I'm Andy, and I have been given the honour of being Phil's best man.

I hope you are all enjoying the day so far.

As Henry the 8th said to each of his wives, .… I won't keep you long. [Laugh]

I would like to thank Phil for his kind words, and may I also add that both the bridesmaids and ushers have done a fantastic job today. I'm sure the ushers won't mind me saying that both they and the bridesmaids look dazzling! [Laugh]

They have done a great job and deserve a round of applause. [if Phil hasn't]

I would like to thank you all for coming and helping make this, such a memorable and special day for Roz and Phil.

When Phil first asked me to be best man I was delighted to accept, he then duly informed me that Roz would only let me perform my duties if I promised not to embarrass her during this speech.

Well, I don't want to get either Phil or myself in trouble, so I'll ask Roz to decide her own fate. I have three speeches here for Roz to chose from.

[Allow Roz to pick an envelope]

[open envelope].

Roz, I think fate is with you, as you have picked a speech all about Phil.

In preparing this part of the speech I have had many a sleepless afternoon at work. After All …

What can one say about a man with so few flaws and so many talents? I hope I got that round the right way! [Laugh]

I first met Phil at university, and there are many stories that I could have used, but those shall remain locked away for the moment, mostly because they also involve quite a few of our university friends here today, myself included.

But here are a few of Phil's highlights as he passed through university.

1st year – Big smiths fan, large collection of black jumpers. Taught the rest of us how to pack boxes while dancing. Which I'll sure he will demonstrate later on the dance floor.

2nd year – Pony tail growing competition, which we both tried, ended after a couple of day's when neither of us could be bothered to continue. First recognised as the domestic goddess he is, as only person to use kitchen sink in our shared house or cook anything other than Pot Noodle.

3rd year – Graduated with a 1st , played a big part in the outcome of my degree, showing that remaining up at University for the Easter holidays paid off although it did mean having to fend off over amorus florists attending a convention.

I have a few small gifts, to make sure that both the bride and groom are prepared for there future life together.

Roz. I have brought you a tin of blue face paint [audience should laugh]

[Give tub of Blue Face Paint]

Now obviously there is a short but amusing story attached to this, and I couldn't let this moment pass without recounting it one more time.

I went to stay with Phil, shortly after we graduated from University. As is often the case, parents, particularly mother's do like to recount embarrassing stories of childhood antics, and this story told to me by Phil's mum is one of the best I have heard.

The story went that Phil had been left to his own devices for a few minutes with his brother. While his mother was preoccupied with other matters Phil had decided that for some reason his bother needing painting. He had managed to get hold of some blue paint which he then proceeded to use to full effect on his brother. I sure you can imagine the scene when Phil's mother returned to find Number 2 son covered in blue paint. So if he gets that urge again you will be fully prepared.

Phil I don't want you to feel left out, so I have also brought you a present as well. [give can of red bull]

As many of you will have experienced, Phil does sometimes have trouble staying the distance. Which is odd because until the age of 4 he wouldn't sleep.

Only the other day Phil came round and we spent a happy evening barbequing and drinking, followed by a trip to the Pub. When we got back, it seemed a good time to show him the full power of my DVD system, starting with, “The Matrix” scene 29. On went the DVD, down went the lights, and up went the volume. I had it so loud the whole house was shaking. Half an hour later the lights went back on, only to be greeted by Phil asking when it was going to start. [Laugh]

However I have to say that this normal mode of operation changed on the stag day. I shall leave the finer details to those who attended, but we had a great time watching “stripping horses” and “racing lap dancers”, as you can probably tell we had also partaken in a few shandy's.

During the evenings entertainment it was great to see Phil back on the dance floor, partying like it was 1989 – quite literally. Rarely has anyone hit the dance floor with such little regard for style or rhythm.

I think Roz was a little bit concerned when at 6am the next morning Phil had not yet turned up, or so she thought! One quick phone call to Phil's mobile had confirmed Phil was actually back at home, but had fallen asleep on the sofa in the room below her!

[Read out any cards, if there are any]

I've also just received some late arriving telegrams:

Dear Roz

I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married.

Brad Pitt

Dear Phil,

Wishing you all the best on your wedding day. Many thanks for your help with the Auditing. Your home shredder came in useful.

Ex-Management Team, Enron.

Dear Phil and Roz,

Congratulations, we have everything ready for your arrival, and look forward to your 3 week stay with us.

The staff at the “Newly Wed's B&B” – Milton Keynes

As I draw this to a close, I would like to offer you both some advice.

Phil, Always try to remember the three very important words .…

And Roz,

Men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp on them, until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

And finally thank you for listening and it's been an honor and a privilege to have been part of your wedding today.

Could you please stand now and join me and be upstanding in a toast to the happy couple , Roz and Phil, "Mr and Mrs Davis".