Speech by Andrew Redhead

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Redhead
Speech Date: Jul 2009
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me my name is Andy. Before I start, I have to admit I couldn't help but over hear that there was a sweep running on the length of the Best Man's speech and it's only fair to tell you I've placed a bet at an hour and a half. And since the kitty stands at over 㿀0, as I say to all my women..settle back, make yourselves comfortable and enjoy the ride…

It was around a year ago that Paul asked me to be Best Man and I started to prepare almost straight away. I consulted numerous books in my research and one common theme came from them all. They all said there is three main parts to a wedding.

1. Aisle – Probably the longest walk of your life
2. Altar – Where two become one
3. Hymn – A chorial celebration of the marriage

Now I can't be certain, but I have a sneaking feeling Emma had been reading the same books as me. Because in the church today I could swear I heard her whispering: I'll Alter Him, I'll Alter Him!!! No seriously, I would like to thank Paul for the great honour and privilege of being asked to be his Best Man. I would also like to thank Emma for allowing Paul to ask me! It's wonderful to be stood here today because after 29 years of knowing Paul, he's finally admitted that I am the best man!

Before I start the character assassination, sorry describing Paul, there are a few things I would like to say:

I'd like to start by congratulating the happy couple and saying how stunning Emma looks, as for Paul, well he just looks stunned! On behalf of the bridesmaids, I like to thank Paul for his kind words… ”Which one is mine again Paul!”

On behalf of all the guests I'd like to thank Emma's parents Bernhard and Diane for inviting us all to share Paul &amp Emma's and special day and I'm sure we'd all agree it's been a wonderful day so far.

Right back to the character assassination…The Best Man's speech usually involves a collection of hilarious stories about the groom's past. I've got plenty of stories, but the unfortunate thing is not one of them would be fit for me to mention. However, my memory tends to improve with alcohol, so if your in the bar later, you never know what I might remember!

I know it's also traditional for the best man to mention the number of ex-girlfriends that the groom has had. But I don't want to get into all of that, I think its vulgar and offensive to the bride. But, suffice to say, 45 turned out to be your lucky number after all…..!

Obviously a best man's speech wouldn't be the same without a few tales from the stag do. Like most things, Paul takes getting married very seriously, so much so he had 5 stag do's. So with the help of one of Paul's Sunday evening quiz show idols, I'll give you a brief guide to all 5.…

In One – A dramatic dry run in wonderful Peterborough.
In Two – Thankfully his bride isn't one of these, it's a night at the dogs!
In Three – A magically, majestical weekend in Madrid.
In Four – It's Treasure Hunt time on the streets of Peterborough
And Bully's special prize…Homer's sorry Paul's last stand in Whittlesey.

Read out the cards normal ones, plus the following:

1. Emma, we have tried Paul in every position and found him to be useless in all of them. Hope you have more luck than us. That's from the lads in the rugby team!!
2. Emma, I can't help thinking what might have been, Love Robbie Williams!!
3. Paul, I can't help thinking what might have been, Love Robbie Williams!!
4. Message from Aunt Violet and Uncle Arthur. Wishing Paul and Emma all the best for the future and as a momento of day they would like picture of the happy couple mounting.

If you could now join me in a toast to some very important people, without whom the day just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure we will all get to speak to them at some stage and share this special day with them. So if you can be all upstanding…….to the Bar Staff!