Speech by Andrew Rich

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Rich
Speech Date: sep 2003
Dave's Best Mans Speech June 2003

Andy: Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of the bridesmaids we would both like to thank David for his kind words, and we both have to say that they have done an excellent job today and look absolutely wonderful.

Gary: For those of you that are wondering why there are two best men standing up here its perfectly simple. Dave wanted to appoint a best man for the occasion, but sadly couldn't find one, and so he got two barely competent ones instead.

Andy: While reading up on the duties of the best men before the wedding, I saw that there are three key components to the wedding ceremony – the Aisle, the longest walk the bride will make, the alter, where the marriage will take place, and the hymn, the celebration of the marriage. Clearly Tanya's been reading the same book as me, as when she was waling up the aisle several people heard her muttering “Aisle Alter Hymn”.

Gary: A good best mans speech should generally contain one or two amusing stories of the grooms life from their friendship together. As Dave's oldest friend, this part of the speech has fallen to me. Unfortunately, we found out at the last minute that there would be some members of her majesty's constabulary here as guests, and so the speech had to be heavily edited to avoid unnecessary arrests.

Andy: I have known Dave for a slightly shorter time, as you may be able to guess from my youthful good looks and boyish charm. I didn't know him when he was at school, and all I know of this time of his life is what he himself has told me. From this I gather he was academically brilliant, an outstanding sportsman, and much loved by his fellow pupils and teachers alike.

Gary: I on the other hand did go to school with Dave and can tell you that's complete rubbish. In fact, despite living 3 doors down and going to the same school for 5 years I don't actually remember seeing him on the premises long enough for anyone to form an opinion of him.

Andy: Since leaving school, Dave has had an incredible variety of jobs. Estate Agent, heating engineer, electrician, bricklayer, rent boy, courier, floor layer & carpet fitter.

Gary: Hold on, surely one of those shouldn't be there.

Andy: Sorry, my mistake. Its pretty ridiculous to think he would have become a courier after failing his driving test four times. Dave was telling me the other day that there is a job that he has never had, but he's hoping that's going to change now that he is married.

Dave: Interestingly Dave has also managed to be made redundant three times. After the third time he became quite concerned about this and he took a long hard look at his dedication and attitude to work, and took the best course of action to ensure it doesn't happen again. He is now self employed.

Andy: When David and Tanya announced their engagement, I regret to have to say that some of Dave's friends had private words with myself and Gary and expressed their concern whether they were doing the right thing. The general feeling seems to be that, having only got together 15 and a half years ago, they might just be rushing into things.

Gary: On the other hand, many family members have expressed to us their surprise when they received their wedding invitations. It seems that many thought that they were already married, and they merely couldn't remember the details of the wedding day.

Andy: In these 15 and a half years, David and Tanya have formed a close relationship where they like to do things together. I remember when Tanya took the part of the heroine in the Scouts pantomime, wearing a beautiful dress, lots of nice make up and with lovely long hair. Knowing how they like to do things together, it was little surprise some years later, when Dave was on the stage in a similar outfit.

Gary: Tanya's dedication to the relationship was perhaps never better demonstrated than on Valentines day some years ago when Dave romantically took her to Oldham on a wet windy Wednesday evening to watch West Ham get beaten 6 – 0. How he got away with that I'll never know. It certainly wasn't likely to have been anything to do with the lovely Valentines gift that he bought for her from Newport Pagnell Service Station on the way home. (show garter)

Andy: Tanya has followed West Ham with Dave throughout their relationship. I remember queuing up for several hours at West Ham with some other friends in order to get into an important end of season game. Dave and Tanya hadn't realised that the crowds were going to be quite so big, and when they arrived it was too late to get in. Upon spotting me at the front of the queue, Dave took great delight in pointing me out to the thousands of diehard West Ham fans behind me, shouting “ I can't believe he's going to get in and he's a Tottenham fan”. Funnily enough, it was the same day that I found out exactly how fast I could run. Thanks Dave.

Gary: Dave has returned this dedication, following Tanya to several girlie pop concerts of the likes of Wet Wet Wet and T'Pau.

(Andy whispers to Gary)

Sorry my mistake. Apparently that was for Dave too.

Andy: Something that Dave did support Tanya in for many years was when she became cub leader. I was one of her first cubs at the time and I clearly remember the first night Dave came down to help. The cubs, and Dave wanted to have a game of football while Tanya, surprisingly enough, didn't want to spend the evening playing football, and felt that we should be doing something more constructive. The closeness of their relationship and they adult way they reconciled their differences was clearly shown even then, as Dave locked Tanya in the cub room and we proceeded to have a game of football.

Gary: Something that has occurred to us when writing this speech was how Dave likes to grasp new interest with both hands with strong initial enthusiasm. Indeed he has often been known to take lessons in new interests rather than just practising like everybody else. An example of this being Dave's short lived harmonica playing career, which took off to great enthusiasm, and then swiftly dies a death. However, we would loved to be proved wrong, and so we have a harmonica here for Dave to demonstrate his talent.

Produce harmonica, Dave attempts to play.

Andy: Following the music career, Dave's concentration has switched to Golf, where he has again taken lessons to further his ability. We thought he might like to demonstrate to everybody here today exactly how successful those lessons have been

Produce golf club, four plastic golf balls, get Dave to try and chip them into net.

Andy & Gary: Read out messages

Andy: On a serious note, for those of you who haven't thought we'd been serious the whole time, we all know David and Tanya to be a loving and close couple. They have spent fifteen years of happy times together, and we both believe that this is the first step to a future of immense happiness for you both. May your love be modern enough to survive the times…..…

Gary: and old fashioned enough to last forever. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bride and Groom.