Speech by Andrew Sanderson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Sanderson
Speech Date: Aug2003
Ladies and Gentlemen,

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech….but then I thought about taking a rattle around in Gorran's closet and bringing out a few skeletons. Which of course I am happy to do.

Gorran has asked me to talk today about what a great guy he is and so I can honestly say that he is handsome, brilliant, funny and perrr.… <TURN TO GROOM> … Gorran, I can't read your writing. What's this last word?

We met on our first day at primary school in 1980, and we went to the same high school and university. So I have seen his evolution from an awkward youth to a charismatic and popular adult. And it is my great pleasure to speak at this milestone in Gonzorelli's life. Of course, we would not be here today without Lisa getting shy-old-Gorran to propose. Lisa, I'm sure it was worth the wait.

After secondary school, Gorran and I went on to Lincoln University where we studied valuation. I can say that he spent so much time skiing that they almost changed his degree to Parks and Recreation. But he did graduate on time with a degree in property, but more importantly he left with his future wife.

Lisa and I were actually flatting together which gave Gorran plenty of time to win Lisa over with his charm and his legendary Croatian dancing with which he has enchanted women in nightclubs all over the country. Though often by himself, admittedly. Now I'm not saying that Gorran is John Travolta, but his dancing DOES attract women, even if many of them look like Helen Clark. So Lisa you have nothing to worry about.

I often think that Lisa-lot is an Aucklander who was born in Christchurch. I say this because she has the taste, style and ambition of an Aucklander. And she makes Gorran look good. Mainly by standing next to him. But also by the way that she dresses him. With Lisa's excellent fashion sense, I'd like to say that Gorran has moved away from old tee-shirts and ripped track pants but that hasn't happened yet. And he still marvels at the fantastic prices of clothes and shoes available at The Warehouse.

When Leasehold moved into our flat, her presence was felt immediately. She brought warmth, a great sense of humour and fantastic elbow grease. I mean, some of the stains in that kitchen were tough to shift, and we know, because we watched the beads of sweat drip from her forehead. We didn't understand when she left the flat and went to live with her friends the Stenches.

Goranisich was fit when he went to down to Lincoln, but put on a bit of weight, which I presumed was due to him maturing, general physical laziness, but primarily due to high consumption of Speights, hostel food and Hilliers Pies. Marriage is a serious matter which shouldn't be entered into lightly and at 14 stone, Gorran certainly isn't doing that.

He certainly isn't shy about being seen in his birthday suit either. Its seems that most of his friends have seen him parading around naked, it's like he forgets that he is not wearing clothes. Once we were at a property function in Christchurch and Gonzo went off for a leek and when he returned – someone said – “Excuse me, but your piece is hanging out”. Everyone cringed, except for Gorran who hardly blinked.

For the stag party we dressed Gorran up as Superman and went jelly-wrestling in an industrial part of Mt Maunganui. Of course, the bar was filled with rough types and the DJ invited Superman to fly from the stage into the jelly pit. Gorran didn't want to hurt himself so he did a little roly poly from the side. The crowd erupted with booing and hissing and Gorran responded by throwing jelly on everyone in all four directions. I was sure we were all going to get beaten up, but somehow we escaped unharmed.

Now let us dwell for a moment on what is close to Gorran's heart – money.

G-Money is passionate about business and has considers Donald Trump and other billionaires as mentors. Gorran started his career as a council worker but quickly moved on to valuation at Richard Ellis with the help of a very creative CV – Gorran, I don't remember you being a prefect or in the first fifteen.

Then after a brief spell as a rent boy in public toilets around town – that is renting advertising space in toilets – he got onto his real calling – property development. And I am sure that one day you will be able to buy furniture, coffee machines and real estate at a Marusich shopping-town.

Gone-wrong has always planned to be a millionaire by the age of 28 and, as he turns 28 in a few days, he asked me to put in a little plug for his current project. You can pick up a prospectus at the back when you leave. Inspired by recent events, G-Slober plans to roll-out a really classy jelly-wrestling franchise.

In conclusion, they married today for better and for worse. Gorran couldn't have done better and Lisa couldn't have done..… (look down at notes and stumble) better either.

I'd like to thank the bridesmaids on behalf of Gorran and Lisa. Katie and Mindy do indeed look wonderful and I'm sure you'll all agree they have performed their role splendidly.

And finally, on behalf of everyone here, I can truly say that you are wished nothing but the best for the future. You are a unique and perfectly matched couple and we hope that all your dreams come true and you have a magical life together. Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in a toast……….… To the bride and groom.