Speech by Andrew Shaw
We have included third party products to help you navigate and enjoy life’s biggest moments. Purchases made through links on this page may earn us a commission.
Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Shaw
Speech Date: Aug2007
Best Man speech at the Wedding of Jamie and Karen 11th August 2007 Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you can hear me clearly at the back. I only ask because in the run up to today's big event Karen and Jamie had a bit of an issue with the seating plan – obviously deciding who to put where etc.. so as the best man I offered to step in and help work something out for them.. what we finally decided to do was use the wedding present list and put those who brought the biggest presents near the front and work back from there… so if you can hear me at the back ..thanks for the Tea Towels !!!
Anyway like Linford Christie wearing a thong, there is a lot to fit in – So let's crack on.
So what can I say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others have fallen.
A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and where none can say a bad word against him?
But enough about me, what I'm really here for this afternoon is to talk about Jamie & Karen.
There are a number of firsts today 1 This is the first time I have been a best man 2 It's the first time either Jamie & Karen have ever been married – Jamie said if my speech is any good I can be best man at his second 3 It's the first time Jamie is not wearing an outfit from entirely Cotton Traders and finally 4 It's the first time I have ever got a free dinner out of him.
When I set out to search for information on the responsibilities of the best man along with some hints and tips on making a speech, I used the internet but as anyone who has used the internet will know, it is very easy to get side tracked especially when the wife's out. Anyway after being side tracked for few hours I got back to my research on best man type things.
Joking aside I did find some interesting stuff on continental drift. I know you didn't come here for a lecture on plate tectonics and geology but this is interesting stuff.
Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5 cms a year. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Jamie Alsop scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Karen!
pause for laugh
Casually
Seriously though and more importantly, I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple, Jamie and Karen, any of us here like me who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company knows what a great couple they are together, perfectly complementing each other.
When I first met Karen my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person. However she has in time ruined this by agreeing to marry Jamie.
Speaking of Karen, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress . Jamie likes it too, as he told me in the church he thinks it will blend in very well with the rest of the kitchen. Pause Jamie truly is a lucky man today. Karen is a wonderful girl, and she deserves a great husband.. Well done Jamie on marrying her before she had a chance to find one!
Some of you may know my work brings me to Scotland quite often, I would like to thank Karen for countless Dinners and the use of the Spare bedroom despite leading her husband from the path of righteousness on occasions.
I know rolling in at 3:30am and waking you up isn't funny but at the time it did seem so and I know as an understanding wife there will be many such occasions in the future..or not as the case may be I'd also like to echo Jamie's earlier comments and thank everyone on their behalf for coming, sharing and witnessing their wedding day, particularly those of you that have travelled long distances, but I suppose the prospect of a free meal to the notoriously tight Scottish and equally so Yorkshire folk might well have swung it for you.
Some time last year after been told the official news that I was to be Jamie's best man I went ahead and purchased a book, in fact I actually got about three after panic buying in Waterstone's, the one I decided would be my bible for the event was called "the duties of the best man."
Unfortunately, I got through just a few pages and wasn't too sure if it was the best choice after reading the following and I quote:
"At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly by offering around drinks and introducing people".
So according to this, I should be buying you all drinks and acting as some form of high class pimp!.… so you can see why I gave up on that one!
Regrettably I never did pick it up again until last night and even then I only started flicking through a couple more pages. It has a list of do's and don'ts for the speech, which rather narrowed down my options.
Don't mention ex-girlfriends
Don't swear
Don't tell risqué jokes
Don't tell lies
Do tell mostly positive stories about the groom.
So where do I start with Jamie Well for starters he's read intently off of paper Handsome Witty Intelligent He's Char… Charm.… Sorry Jamie .. I'm having trouble reading your handwriting on this note you gave me, you can tell me the rest later.
Along with making Jamie presentable today another of my duty's is to make sure that certain people are thanked for their part in today, so I'd like to take some time to thank a few people who on the face of it have a fairly easy day – they had have to cope with all the difficulties of standing around pouting and looking pretty, they've spent a lot of time and on their hair and make up and outfits, and without them the day just wouldn't be Karen's – ladies and gentlemen, I give you the ushers – John, Jason and Phillip.
But seriously Jamie, the lads here have asked me to thank you on their behalf for what is undoubtedly a great honour to be an usher, and in particular for at last getting to live out their lifelong dreams by getting to dress up like Laurence Llewellyn Bowen in public! I must have mis heard Jamie when he told me about our outfits today – I thought he said they are styled by Versace, Not Liberace as is now apparent.
On the subject of outfits and appearance I could stand here and tell you stories of odd socks, scuffed shoes and poor shirt and tie combinations, but will tell the following. On the stag do, the main event was a trip to York races for the John Smith Cup meeting. Prior to the racing on the Saturday we descended on mass in to Leeds and ended up Akbar's Indian restaurant. Halfway through his "livened up " chicken Korma Jamie Told me he had forgotten his suit for the race meeting, Knowing Jamie as I do I cant really say I was surprised. "Don't worry spud I'll nip into Leeds tomorrow morning and get some trousers and a shirt " he said.
Don't be silly Jamie as best man I will go and get you suitable attire – So as a memento of the Stag Do, and should you feel the need to ever look like a leprechaun on drugs, Jamie I would like to present you with your "Suitable Attire".
At this point its also customary for me to thank the groom on behalf of the bridesmaids Dodi, Emma & Naomi, so with that I'd like to thank Jamie for his kind words and generous gifts.
They completed their main job admirably, which was getting Karen to the church on time – no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle. pause On a personal note I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids all of whom look radiant I think we'd all agree, in fact one of Jamie's ushers, Phillip has told me if you'd all meet him later on in his room he'll thank you all personally.
I've also overheard them arguing all day about which one of them was to have the pleasure of being the first to dance with me. All I can say is ..… look, one of you has to!!
Obviously I wasn't at the Hen Party, but I understand Dodi, Naomi and Katie did a wonderful job in organising it and everyone had a wonderful time. One particular story I have managed to glean form Katie, My wife were the details of the "dares" game. As I understand it various questions were asked in a Sangria soaked Barcelona about on multitude of subjects, in particular I became the butt of some jokes. I appreciate this will mean very little to most of you, but ladies If you catch up with me later I will give you all a Mango and some Pineapple !!!
During a rare quiet moment on the stag do, I had chat with Jamie and asked him what it was he wanted from his marriage, he said, "well, I want to be a model husband and I want to be a model citizen."
And he added with a cheeky grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!!
Being the naïve chap that I am, I looked up "model" in the dictionary it said:
"a small, miniature replica of the real thing"!!!
I asked the same question of Karen- she said- A Coffee Percolator!
Well, She Actually Said A "Perky Copulator" But I Knew What She Meant…
During the stag do I thought It best to ask around to see what some of Jamie's friends would say about him:
His team mates at Crieff Rugby Club describe him as a first class flanker – although I may have misheard them.
-some other words you could use to describe Jamie are:
charming, urbane, intelligent, and entertaining.but nobody said those, so I won't use them.
He was once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish.and let's face it, if anyone would know him, it would be his mum.
Speaking of his mum and dad for that matter, Ruth and Mike have informed me that the day that changed their life was the 26th September 1973,…….You see that day Ruth had a small win on the pools………..No, that was the day young Jamie was born, he arrived prematurely – so as Karen tells me there is no change there then.
After speaking with Ruth his mum, she's told me he wasn't a pretty baby. in fact he was the only baby in Huddersfield with shutters on his pram!
Apparently Ruth didn't get morning sickness until after he was born!
Whilst I am talking about Jamie's family, I recall the following, A few years ago the whole Alsop clan descended on the Lake district for a family celebration. Jamie & Karen were in their remote log cabin some way from the rest of the family. Having not joined in the family activities for most of the weekend, Mike & Ruth started to get a little concerned for there welfare. Mike decided to go and see if they were Ok. He knocked on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside the cabin answered they were "fine and living on the fruits of love"
Mike replied, "I thought so. only stop throwing the peelings out of the window. you're chocking the ducks!"
I am not sure how many of know, but Jamie comes from a large very caring and loving family. On the Train back from York races on the Stag Do, Not long after Jamie had sprayed Champagne all over his Dad and told him he was the worst dad in the world for allowing his friends to get him in to such a drunken state, Mike asked me to take care of his eldest son for the rest of the evening in Leeds. I duly obliged and proceed to ply Jamie with various drinks and dares until around midnight and then carried him back to the Hotel with John. It was on reflection on the Sunday morning that I thought how thoughtful and genuinely concerned Mike, was and how lucky Karen is to becoming part of the Alsop family.
Now as tradition goes the best man is supposed to recall embarrassing stories from the grooms past well It wouldn't be too far off the mark to say that I could shovel more dirt on the gentleman seated to my left / right than a Taliban Cave digger.
As you might have guessed there are plenty of stories that I could tell about Jamie, but I couldn't actually think of one that would be appropriate. When I say appropriate, I mean one that would have him squirming in his seat and sweating more than Pavarotti on a treadmill.
However after much deliberation I managed to remember one or two but realised that I would incriminate myself as much as Jamie, However I think its safe to say that Jamie & I have had some well, colourful times over the past 20 years and got ourselves in to a number of close shaves, but with My negotiating skills, Good looks and Jamie's ability to look stupid we have more often than not come away unscathed.
I would however like to share with you all a conversation I overheard while in the company of Jamie and Karen whilst staying with them at their student house in Camborne, after a heavy night out on the town we returned to the house, Gareth and I retired to sofa with a couple of Big Macs each, whilst Jamie and Karen sauntered off upstairs. Now this was still very much in the infancy of their relationship but we clearly overheard the following conversation
After Jamie had removed his socks and Karen had seen the state of his feet, she asked what was wrong with his toes, Jamie replied that as a child he had Tolio, Karen somewhat confused replied surely you mean Polio, No No said Jamie Tolio. It's a condition that affects the toes. As Jamie obviously removed his trousers Karen was heard to Say, Oh my lord what on earth is wrong with your Knees, to which Jamie's response was, Oh that – I had a dose of Kneesles when I was a child, again Karen suggested that surely Jamie meant Measles, but no Jamie was quite certain it was bout of Kneesles It's a condition that effects the knees.
Obviously from the gasp coming from upstairs Jamie had removed his Boxer shorts – Karen now up to speed with Jamie's ailments said "Don't tell me Small Cox I presume!!".
Joking aside, as a married man I feel well qualified to pass on some wisdom to both Karen and Jamie about a Happy Marriage Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
To help the course of true love run smoothly never forget those three very important words you must say every day….… "your right dear" as opposed to "when in Rome"
Also it is very important to get on with your mother in law, I haven't spoken to Sylvia, Katie's Mum for going on nearly two years now. It's not because I don't like her, I just don't like to interrupt her!
Talk about everything, and never go to bed without kissing each other goodnight.
It is OK to do things differently , there is more than one way to peel a potato or fold the laundry, and there is always more than one driving route to where you are going Also a small piece of advice on marriage for you too Karen-
Don't keep him in the dog house too long, or he might give his bone to the woman next door!
Knowing James fondness for Drink and the determination and drive he shows in everything he does I felt the following anonymous quote about marriage was very apt.
.."Marriage is based on the theory that when Man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go and work in the brewery"..
So now we just have a couple of telegrams:
1. Dear Jamie, congratulations on getting married and winning our big spender of the month award! From all the girls at the Purple Door Lap Dancing Bar in Leeds.
2. Dear Jamie, Congratulations on your wedding, you were useless in all positions you tried, we hope Karen has more luck with you later. From Garioch Rugby Club
3. Dear Jamie & Karen, I have sent you some of my own brand sun tan oil – hope I protects you from the rays better than it did me. Take Care Steve Irwin And finally there seems to be a bit of confusion over where Jamie and Karen are going on their honeymoon, I thought, perhaps like many of you here that they had decided to stay at home, but now I'm not so sure.
After speaking to Jamie earlier today I think they're going to North Wales …………Or at least I think that's what he meant when he said he was going to Bangor all week!
Toast
I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be Jamie's best man today, and I'm glad he's finally admitted that I am the better man!
We've been firm friends for over twenty years now, in which time we've hardly argued, and often shared our dark sense of humour together, much to the consternation of our wives. You've been a true friend to me Jamie, and I look forward to knowing you and Karen for the rest of our lives!
So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention immense relief, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Jamie and Karen.
So may I be the first to give you the new "Mr and Mrs Alsop".
