Speech by Andrew Sloman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Sloman
Speech Date: May 2002
Hello ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Sloman, and I have been given the honour of being John's best man. I'd like to start by thanking John on behalf of Emma (the bridesmaid) for his kind words. I am sure you'll all agree that she's looking stunning and has done a wonderful job.

It's been a lovely day today hasn't it – and it was such a moving ceremony, I've heard even the cake was in tears!

It's good to see that in this FAST PACED, high-tech world marriage is still as popular as ever – although sometime I think it's taken too far – The other day I heard that a TV AERIAL got married to a SATELLITE DISH. The CEREMONY was dire, but apparently the RECEPTION was fantastic!

I've known John for around 18 years. He's always been a up-standing member of the community as you can tell (PHOTO of John drunk on floor entangled in various limbs). He also has his sensitive, artistic side (PHOTO of John with long hair, Lennon shades and a beret looking moody) He's a great friend and I consider it my duty to give you a good impression of his character – here are some of his best points.

GENEROSITY – When it comes to giving out advice, especially about technical matters, John is the most generous person I know. John's advice is never, ever wrong. He advised on that point himself so it must be true.

FOCUS – John has, from an early age, been expert at focussing on the task at hand and not letting himself be DISTRACTED. When he was 11 during an important conference involving him and his LEGO SET, his secretary, also sometimes known as his Mum, answered the phone to his girlfriend. The deluded young lass, having succumbed to his dazzling charm and sophistication, wanted to spend some time with him. He thought hard about this, looked at his Lego and said – Mum, tell her I've got too much HOMEWORK.

GADGETS – Thankfully for Julia, John has long since put his Lego away – so she only has to compete with his NASA grade stereo system, his 7 series BMW, his computer and his Playstation 2. John has always been fond of fiddling with his gadgets. I think it's true to say that he never paid much attention to girls until he heard that the secret to satisfying one was knowing which buttons to press!

ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERN – John is a true friend of the environment. He never, ever contributes to the destruction of the world's rain forests by callously sending BIRTHDAY or XMAS cards. At least that's his excuse. I think it's a karma thing – it compensates for the vast amount of ozone destroying pollution that spews daily from his exhaust system – and trust me, I'm NOT talking about his car!

BEER THEME – When first thinking about this speech, I considered basing it around this theme – (SIGN – Beer = Good, No Beer = Bad). However times change, and the lovely Julia seems to have brought a bit more sophistication into his life – These days he's more – (SIGN – Dom Perignon = Delightful, No Dom Perignon = We'll just have to make do with Moët).

INDIAN – Talking about alcohol – John is famous for his ability to hold his booze. When it comes to lads’ nights out he's usually guaranteed to be the last man standing. However, he has had a couple of minor lapses – one afternoon we decided to pop out for a couple of swift halves. When they finally booted us out after closing time we decided we were a bit peckish. Not realising quite how drunk we were, we headed for the local Indian restaurant. It didn't seem to be going well. We couldn't understand a word on the menu, and no one seemed keen to talk to us. We finally got someone's attention and asked what was going on. He told us they couldn't serve us for two reasons – no.1. The restaurant was closed and we hadn't noticed and – no.2. We'd been standing there for 20 minutes trying to read the menu upside down!

The other incident happened while john was at Stirling University. He never saw what all the fuss was about – all he did was a have a few glasses of southern comfort, some pudding followed by a few pints and a bit of a lie down. The trouble was that he'd managed to drink an entire bottle of southern comfort followed by several large helpings of vodka jelly, and had chosen to have his ‘bit of a lie down’ half way across the footbridge that crosses Stirling's loch.

And so to the happy couple. John and Julia met while working together and although they always got on well, their love didn't blossom until much later. Julia told me that she had always admired john's qualities in the office and was delighted when these translated to their relationship. She says was especially fond of the firm, thrusting, hands-on way he managed her. Lucky girl! He was also famous for completing his business in the fastest time possible. Well Julia, you can't win them all!

After taking redundancy from her last job, some members of staff realised that they'd been amiss and had forgot to get Julia a leaving gift. They took her to the pub to make amends and after several pints asked her what she would like for a present. They were amazed when she simply said – John, gift-wrapped. John later boasted that they had struggled to find anything big enough to hide his manhood. I found this last night at his flat though… (RIBBON G STRING WITH TINY ROSETTE ON FRONT)

I'd like to say that Julia is looking absolutely gorgeous today. Emma and I have only known her for a relatively short period of time, but we have both come consider her as a very close friend. The marriage ceremony asks that couples take each other for better or for worse. John, in finding Julia you couldn't have done better. Julia, it could be worse!

It has often been said that the secret to a successful marriage can be summed up in one word – compromise. Of course the word compromise is made up of two parts – COM(E) and promise. The groom has to promise not to FALL ASLEEP before the bride's…

A little cautionary tale about marriage – A father took his son aside on his wedding day and said.
‘Son, the key to a stress-free marriage is making sure the man is in charge, and today is the day you have to make sure she understands that!. I'll tell you a little secret – On my wedding night I took off my Y-fronts, threw them at your mother and said “put those on”. She said “ but I can't wear these, they're far too big.” “That's right” I said, “and don't you forget that it's me who wears the pants round here!”
The son smiled and thanked his Dad for the advice. Later that night, when he and his new bride got into the hotel bedroom, he slipped off his Calvins and threw them at her.
‘Put those on’ he said.
‘But I can't wear these, they're far too big.’
‘That's right’ he said, ‘and don't you forget that it's me who wears the pants in this relationship!’ She then slipped off her slinky G-String and threw it at him.
‘put those on then’ she said
‘don't be stupid’ he protested, ‘I can't get into your knickers!’
‘No’ she said ‘and you never will with that attitude!’

MESSAGES

TOAST – Ladies Gentlemen – please charge you glasses, I'd like to propose a toast. TO JULIA AND JOHN, THE BRIDE AND GROOM.