Speech by Andrew Sutherland

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Sutherland
Speech Date: Jun 2002
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Andrew but most people call me by my nickname…which is “floss would you like a drink “-

I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat – If I go on too long DEB's threatened to cut it.

I must confess this is a bit nerve-racking and I can truthfully say that this is about the 4th time today I ‘ve stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

SO PLEASE BARE WITH ME

Before I carry on, I would just like to thank the Brides Maids for performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day. I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers!

I agreed to be Gary's Best Man, and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty of getting
him to the church, sober and on time was a complete success considering the pubs were
open at 8 O'clock this morning for the ENGLAND GAME

Gary ….was. It seems …the model son, …rarely naughty, …kind and considerate. His only vice.… According to his mum was the storage of bogies behind the headboard of his bed.

He tells me that he was exceptionally gifted, and very popular at school …

But the reports I ‘ve had from his school friends, tell a different story They said Gary was a rather annoying little kid… who excelled at NOTHING, was constantly picked on, and regularly beaten up…THAT'S TEACHERS FOR YOU!

On leaving school
His teens or colt years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl…something he still hasn't grown out of yet.

During my research into Gary's past I tried to get in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send Debbie a sympathy card.but it appears that since the outbreak of foot and mouth, Most of them have been shot, or are still in quarantine.

When Gary proposed to Debbie. He used the old fashioned English method of going down on one knee while on a romantic weekend … well away from his mates!!
I didn't think Gary was the type to go in for all that lovey duvey stuff, and I'm sure to all his friends here today he would like to describe himself as a bit of a lad, a bit of a mans man. Well I was shocked; to learn that Gary's a bit of a fan for leaving "I love you" notes for Debbie to find.…

One example is… Writing, "I love you" in the frost on Debbie's car window, so that she would find it in the morning on the way to work. But the one that really got me, was the time that Debbie found the words "I love you" written on the last sheet of toilet paper the next time she wanted to use some… Mind you… I don't think she
was that impressed considering what she did with it once she'd read it!

I would like to say that I do have a lot of admiration for Debbie. She met Gary
during his ‘colt’ years, and has dealt with most of his flaw's. She's a beautiful lady, and an even more gorgeous bride. I hope Gary realizes just how lucky he is. – I still don't know how he got her to say yes because all she seems to say now is NO ! GARY, NO !

I WAS SPEAKING TO DEB's FATHER EARLIER AND HE WAS REMARKING ON HOW FAST CHILDREN GROW UP NOWADAYS? HE SAID THAT WHEN DEBBIE WAS A TODDLER, HE REMEMBERS SENDING HER TO BED WITH A DUMMY – FUNNY HOW HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF…

AS YOU ALL KNOW GARY'S A BIT OF A SPORTSMAN. Since retiring from
Rugby,Due to the fact that he has been banned from playing away from home now ! He has taken up Golf; he has got a handicap! It's his clubs.. He did get a birdie once I'm sure he must have told a few of you about it…He teed off from the first hole. We all looked to the sky…didn't see a thing.… then just by the ladies tee. We saw these two pigeons strolling across the fairway chatting away to each other. When Gary's ball struck one of them on the head… it did a little dance. And then fell over never to get up again…To stop him moaning, we had agreed that if the bird hadn't got in the way, his ball was going to travel at least another 10 yards… and he wouldn't have to do the tradional dropping of his pants. For playing such a crap shot.- Plenty of time for that, there were another 17 holes to go.

The Stag Weekend. Was a quiet 2 days in Nottingham,(paintballing) from which Gary learnt a bit more about his so called mates :Never turn your back on them because if there is nothing to shoot, they will shoot you just for the fun of it. Never go into the woods dressed as a 6 foot rabbit because that's just asking for trouble. The lads will tell you ..it was like a scene from the film Deliverance ..just without a banjo.. Never eat a raw carrot that you find in Owen Tomalin's room. And never sleep in the toilet cuddling the bowl when your room mates aim is'nt that good, I think he got away very lightly every thing still in working order even on the STAG NIGHT in town. BILLY GALL was the only one to get kidnapped – You didn't struggle a lot though did you Billy ??

I was at this point, going to read a few cards but I haven't doctored any yet! But I do have a couple of messages.

FROM THE LADS AT THE RUGBY CLUB
We've found Gary to be useless in every position. Hope Debbie has more luck. Congratulations.

FROM LINDA LOVITT
I'M IN ROOM 46. The key is under the mat. Oh Sorry…That ones for me.

From Kiwi in America
Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there.
Please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted. Love TIM.

To GARY and DEB Best wishes from Bill and Mary Firkin and the whole Firkin family.

Traditionally, the best man passes on a piece of advice about wedded life so I'll have to pass on something that most of the married men in this room will all have learnt themselves. The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.

After all if HANNA the dog can remember to buy a card for the cats birthday Married life takes a lot of work and patience, and you should never take each Other for granted. Don't forget to continue with the Luvey. Duvey notes to each other. You will find that most married women are always heavier than single women. Because single women come home look in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

To round off my speech I would just like to say – Gary, you've really pulled a blinder in marrying Debbie. You've found someone who is very attractive, Witty, and very loving. A match for you any day of the week. And Debbie, you've found. …………..… Well you've found Gary.

I am very proud to be best man here today. I have no doubt that the love they share will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. This wedding is a testament to that love, as Gary and Debbie start their new life; if you would all be upstanding.

A TOAST

To the new husband and wife:

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Thacker

Gary and Deb. And their future happiness together.