Speech by Andrew Temple

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Temple
Speech Date: Sep2005
Family, Friends, Katy and Mark. I would like to start by saying, I'm very proud to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my upmost to give Mark the most uncomfortable time of his life. – Which, to be fair is only what Katy gets most nights. (PAUSE) Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Mark, Katy and most importantly Sharman, that if there is anything even slightly risqué (PAUSE) I'll whip it out immediately.

For those who do not know, Mark is not A name his peers would recognise. Since his first week at University he has been called Monty. I would love to tell you he was named after the great Field Marshall Montgomery or even after the comic genius of Monty Python but unfortunately not. In fact Mark, and for the rest of this speech Monty, is named after the Scottish golfer and Mrs Doubtfire lookalike Colin Montgomery. I shall leave it for you to decide why, is it the jowls, the frizzy hair (PAUSE), for those of you who remember Monty with hair, (PAUSE) or more likely, you will agree with me, it's his man breasts. (PAUSE) Regardless of the reason and even though he has lost a lot of weight and hair since, the name has stuck.

Although Monty and I didn't do the same course at university or live together until our second year, we actually became firm friends in Fresher's week. I would love to tell you we met whilst queuing for the debating society or trying out for the football team but no (PAUSE) we met in a bookmakers. I dropped my betting slip, he dropped his, ours eyes met (PAUSE) and the rest as they say is history. (PAUSE) I can honestly say there is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for him, and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me (PAUSE) In fact we have spent the last 12 years doing absolutely nothing for each other.

Of course this isn't wholly true, I have done loads for him over the years! When Monty's parents gave him 1500 quid to pay off a loan and he blew the money in a casino; I agreed to have the loan statements sent to my parent's house. Whenever Monty got caught by his mum with cigarettes, I was always happy to claim they were mine, which, as he never bought any they invaribly were. 

You may now think I am going to switch gears and start being nice about Monty but unfortunately not. I have waited years and years (TURN TO HIM) to tell the world what I think of you and nothing could hold me back now, (PAUSE) although I think Sharman might try soon, so let's move swiftly on.

Monty is lazy, so lazy in fact his laziness knows no bounds, his ability to do absolutely nothing whilst giving the impression of doing something is impressive to witness. He is also selfish, stomping down stairs every morning at University, singing your Barmitzvah piece at the top of your voice, when everyone else in the house is asleep, is just a selfish thing to do mate.

They say that you can tell a person's character from the way they conduct themselves on the football field. Never was this truer than in Monty's case. Although he is actually quite gifted, his laziness, lack of fitness and downright selfishness undo any good work he ever does. When in goal the only effort he makes is to move out of the ball's way, when up front, he rarely passes and when defending (PAUSE) actually no one has ever seen him defend so who knows! As you can now imagine although he possesses the ability, he is useless in every position (PAUSE) let's hope Katy has more luck.

It seems to me that Katy has became the ray of light in Monty's dark little world and I am sure you will all agree she looks absolutely stunning today. (PAUSE) Katy, it is great seeing you with makeup on for once!

My only problem since Katy and Monty have been together has been trying to figure out which of them is the laziest and as you have heard already that is a sweeping statement to make! I don't think Katy has ever seen a Saturday or Sunday morning in the time I have known her. She rarely does the washing or any type of housework at all and to be fair cooking is not her forte, unless you like Spaghetti bolanese or Shepherd's Pie, (PAUSE), unfortunately you would be hard pushed to figure out which is which.

If it wasn't for Katy's tenacity I honestly don't think we would be here tonight. They first met at a bar in town about 6 years ago and after being hit on by half of our mates Katy amazingly singled out Monty – who hadn't said 2 words to her all night. In Katy's defence it was dark in there and Monty looks very different in certain lights. Obviously nothing really happened on this first encounter as Monty spent most of the night trying to recover from speaking to a female (PAUSE) who wasn't offering him food or a stack of poker chips. They bumped into each other again a couple of Saturday nights later and this time they did spend the night chatting away. However, Monty being his usual lazy self, still took over a week to call and ask her out to the cinema. After a few more dates Katy came to her senses and dropped Monty like a hot potato. Monty to be fair was pretty upset as he was starting to fall for her so a couple of weeks later he built up the courage, emailed Katy to see how she was doing and this small gesture was the start of something special.

Katy really is one of the kindest and most genuine people I have ever met. She is bubbly, beautiful and loving, but clearly nuts, firstly for agreeing to marry you Monty, and secondly for the amount she worries about everything. She has been so worried at times over the last few months that a small part of me thought the only white item of clothing she would be wearing today (PAUSE) would be a straight jacket. She has worried about every detail, the flowers, the cars, the speeches, the font on the menus and even about what time Monty was going to go to bed last night. But fear not, I can assure you now Katy, Monty was in bed early and slept like a baby (PAUSE) He wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his mummy.

Ok Sharman, I am nearly done now, let's just run through and make sure I haven't missed anything.

The Colin Montgomerie line – yep
The sexual innuendo joke – check
Monty taking lessons for his opening dance – Sorry mate, but people needed to know.
Useless in every position – check
Katy worrying – check
Crying like a baby – Perfect,

Monty – as you know I do really love you like a brother, you are my closest mate and seeing you and Katy together today I am sure you are going to have a long, loving and happy future together. Sophie, Molly and I are looking forward to spending more time with you both over the coming years and personally I cannot wait to see out two families grow together (PAUSE) bit like your breasts did at university Monty.

Finally, having been married for 4 years myself I have a bit of useful advice for you both. The key to my marriage thus far has been the fact that we go out for dinner at least twice a week. (PAUSE) Sophie goes out on Tuesdays and I go on Thursdays – (PAUSE) it's marvellous.

Ladies and Gentleman if you could please charge you glasses and be upstanding – Katy and Mark Levine.