Speech by Andrew Turner

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Turner
Speech Date: sep 2003

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Could I get everyone's attention for just a moment please! I'm the Best man,
my name is Andy. I would like to thank everyone for coming today, especially
those who have travelled long distances, to share this special occasion with
Chris and Caz. I know it means a lot to them.

I would like to echo Chris¡¦s sentiments and mention that the bridesmaids
Selina, Katie and Helen look truly beautiful, indeed.
Also I'd like to say that Caz looks absolutely stunning today; as for Chris
he just looks stunned.

I would like to start by saying to you both, thank-you for asking me to be
your best man.
I was a bit nervous about getting up here to speak to you all, then I
thought to myself, it¡¦s easy, ¡§be amusing and dazzle them with your wit¡¨.
But as I¡¦m not that funny, the best I can do is dazzle you with the light
that reflects off my head¡K
I¡¦ve come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a
Nanny!. As the Nanny I¡¦ve had to ensure that the groom arrives on time,
sober, and looking good, well 1 out of 3 isn¡¦t bad.

I've already congratulated Chris on the nuptials. I said to him "Chris, you
know you'll always look back on today as the happiest day of your life."
That was over a bottle of wine in the hotel bar last night.

Whilst on the subject of congratulations, I'd like to read out a few cards.

<Read out cards>

It's part of my job to compliment the beautiful bride and say something
profound about Chris. The first part is easy. Caz you look fantastic and
Chris is a very lucky man.

What can I say about Chris

Well, he was born on 11th Feb 1980, Sharing his birthday with comedy
geniuses such as Burt Reynolds and Leslie Neilsen, but after hearing his
speech, he isn¡¦t destined to be a funnyman!
Now Chris was born, sorry Chris ¡¥came¡¦ prematurely. Something Caz has got
to know aaaaalllll about!
His teenage years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up,
and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl¡Ksomething he still
hasn¡¦t grown out of.

During my research into Chris¡¦s past I tried to get in touch with some of
his ex-girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send Caz a sympathy
card. Unfortunately, since the outbreak of mad cow disease, This proved
rather difficult.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depends on what way you look at it, I didn't
know Chris at school so he has kindly scribbled a note regarding his version
of events regarding his education.
"Chris was an exceptionally gifted student at school and he excelled in
everything he did be it sports, academics or the arts¡K¡K. He left school to
the great sadness of his headmaster¡K¡K¡K and successfully attended
University where I'm reliably informed he attained a first class honours
degree in rocket science."

However Ive since obtained a copy of Chris school report. – so imagine my
surprise when I read his middle school headmaster¡¦s comments.

General
¡¥Chris is an ideal pupil, who should excel in most subjects¡¦¡K¡Ksorry that
should read
¡¥Chris is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects¡¦

Geography – Thinks Ellesmere Port is a table wine
Drama – He thought Alfred Hitchcock was a jockstrap
Biology – Only student I know who studied for a blood test

I can't actually remember where I first met Chris, But I¡¦m pretty sure it
was when he was introduced to my by my flatmate at the time, our very own
crafty cockney, Mr Del Boy (point at Del Boy) who was working with Chris at
the time in Tesco¡¦s Abbeydale Road Store. Chris soon became a great friend
to me. Reason being was that we had such a lot in common. We both shared the
same sick sense of humour for example. We both loved watching sport
particularly motor racing. We both shared the same great dancing skills
where rhythm and style are of no importance just plenty of alcohol. (you may
see an example of this later this evening). Roger, I want to see you getting
involved in this too.

Chris first met Caz 3 years ago, once again, Tesco¡¦s came up with the
goods, and united two people for life, this time in the romantic setting of
the Toilets of the Grosvenor House Hotel at the Tesco¡¦s Christmas party
2000. Er¡K.Enough about that¡K..

I only hope Caz is ready for the disaster and destruction that Chris brings
with him, examples of this Calamity James¡¦ exploits are.

"h Falling down the stairs with a full glass of red wine in his hand, he
made it all the way to the bottom with no injuries and an unbroken glass,
however, the furnishings didn¡¦t get off so lightly, and the room apparently
looked like a set straight out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

"h In 2001 we went on a Lads holiday to Zante in Greece, Chris burnt his
feet in the sun, his old wives tales about how to cure sunburn soon came
out, so did the yoghurt, this attracted the mosquitoes, which promptly bit
his foot. Of course, with Chris being Chris, his leg soon blew up like a
balloon, requiring treatment in a lovely Greek hospital where we watched
them sweeping fag ends out of the treatment room as we waited.

"h Last November we took a trip down to Wales for a long weekend watching
the World Rally Championships, usually all this walking through the woods
requires forward planning, particularly thinking about what you wear on your
feet, Chris, however, forgot his wellies, meaning he spent the weekend in a
pair of running trainers, now we thought this was great as everytime he set
off walking, he would invariably end up on his arse, or floundering in a
puddle.
On one particular occasion, he managed to get up to his waist in a bog, on
the way back, he was worried about going in again, so myself and Roger did
the only thing mates can do for this kind of entertainment jogged ahead to
catch the fun on camcorder, for anyone that wants a copy of the video,
please see me afterwards!

So Chris and Caz, you've finally got married, for better or worse, which is
quite appropriate as I'm sure you'll all agree Chris couldn't have done any
better and well Caz couldn't have done any worse.

One thing people have told me is that you don¡¦t marry someone you can live
with, you marry the person you cannot live without. I know this to be true
for Chris and Caz and you couldn¡¦t meet a nicer couple. You can tell by
looking at them they have found happiness. A sign of this is that they
always hold hands, but possibly that¡¦s because if Chris let¡¦s go, Caz goes
shopping. In fact Caz loves shopping so much, that last week, when her
credit card was stolen. Chris recommended she didn't report it as the thief
was spending less than she was.

Now on Monday, the happy couple are off on honeymoon to Prague, I am sure
that all of us will wish them a lovely time away together. And speaking of
the honeymoon, I am told this is the period between I DO and YOU¡¦D BETTER.

Chris, you leave here today having gained a wife that is warm loving and
caring, a wife whose outer beauty is surpassed only by her amazing inner
radiance and fun loving character.
Caz, you on the other hand, leave today with, well a gorgeous dress and a
lovely, lovely bouquet of flowers.

And so now it gives me great pleasure, not to a mention relief, to ask you
all to be upstanding whilst I propose a couple of toasts.

First, to four people without whom today would not have happened: the
Bride's and the Groom's parents. The mums and dads!

Now, please raise your glasses in a toast to Chris and Caz, the new Mr. and
Mrs. Deverson; and wish them both all the best for their future together and
we hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Mr and Mrs Deverson