Speech by Andrew Webb

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Webb
Speech Date: Sep 2009
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr &amp Mrs Jonathan Moore, I know it's hard to believe and I assure you this is not a dream………or indeed a nightmare!!
Before we get to the ritual character assassination of the groom that forms the basis of a traditional best man's speech I would like to reply to Johnny's toast to the bridesmaids,
I certainly agree with him, the whole female Thompson bridal party are looking tremendous sorry Lee! and have been faultless throughout the day…….so far!
And I'm sure ladies and gentlemen you'll agree that eclipsing even the brides maids is Adele who looks absolutely stunning today, and to Johnny who just looks absolutely stunned!!
It was a great honour to be asked by Johnny to be his best man on this, the most important day in his life.
And as best man and chief marshal I take great credit for the usher's performance at the church as without my leadership it could have been a complete shambles.
In order to do the job justice I decided some research was required, so I inevitably turned to the internet.
I set out to search for information on the responsibilities of the best man along with some hints and tips.
But as anyone who has used the internet will know, it is very easy to get side tracked especially when in the house on your own, or so I am told by my friends!!
Anyway after being side tracked for a few hours I got back to my research on best man type things.
Joking aside I did find some interesting stuff on continental drift. I know you didn't come here for a lecture on plate tectonics and geography but this is interesting stuff.
Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5cms a year. Now this is very slow progress.
Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Johnny Moore scale as it is based on the length of time he keeps people waiting!!
Johnny on more than one occasion has phoned me on an evening during the week and instructed me to put the kettle on as he is on his way round………….after this phone call I wait patiently for up to 2 weeks before he turns up!!!!
Actually when Johnny asked me to be best man my first thought was bloody hell I need to make a speech. What am I going to talk about?
My research told me that my speech should involve some humorous stories at the Groom's expense, well character assassination really.
I once went to a wedding and the best man stood up and explained how the groom being a man who had led a chaaaste and quiet life had given him very little juicy material for off colour and racy stories to fill his best man's speech.
Well the good news is that this is not the case with Johnny..… the bad news is that I have so much material we could be here for some time, so I hope you are all sitting comfortably and have no pressing engagements as this could take a few hours!
No of course I am only kidding……….I do have plenty of material but 90% of it's not fit for public consumption.
I know a lot of people here are probably wondering just what does Adele see in Johnny?
Well I have known him for a long time and too be fair………I don't know either!!!
Now Adele, as you are now married to my best friend, I think I ought to warn you of a few of your husband's weaknesses which I have spotted through the years.
Johnny has always had a glint in his eye and invariably a mischievous grin on his face……….which is why I guess we get on so well!!
We only attended school together very early on in our careers before I was packed up and whisked off to Edinburgh,
Very possibly because our parents and the relevant school authorities colluded and made the decision that for our own safety we should be separated!!
However I always took the time to keep myself informed as to Johnny's progress at Campbell College. It never failed to amuse me how similarly we conducted ourselves at school even being in different countries.
My reports told me that Johnny was thriving on the ability to dodge all responsibilities for his actions by deflecting all the blame onto a third party!!….A trait which lives on today!!
I remember being briefed on Johnny's progress during one summer holiday. And was informed how at the end of a compulsory Combined Cadet Force firing range session every Cadet must stand to attention in front of the instructor and declare the following ‘I have no live rounds or ammunition on my possession sir’
Johnny happened to be standing next to a poor Chinese student whose English was slightly suspect and as such was having difficulty remembering the standard phrase.
Well he made the fatal mistake of turning to his left to seek advice from Johnny.
Within no time the instructor was standing in front of the now panicking Chinese student who stood rigidly to attention and in his broken English bellowed at the top of his voice.…
……..I have no armoured tanks or hand grenades on my possession sir!!
Well you can imagine the no nonsense instructor went bright red with rage and in front of everyone, set about chastising the poor Chinese student!!
Another victory for Johnny!!!!
In short Adele, stay sharp or you may find yourself fall victim to a lifetime of practical jokes!!
One area of Johnny's life so far that I have very little information about is his university years. I always wondered how, firstly how he managed to get in and secondly how he managed to come out with an MBA!!
But from the information I have managed to gather, Johnny excelled in being able to include himself in a study group that essentially was smart enough to help seal the appropriate grades and present Johnny with a surprising pass!!
Clearly I made a huge error by falling in with a party group instead of a study group, hence my surprising fail!!!!!
Anyhow I guess Adele the lesson here is that if Johnny decides in the future to take on any further education, be aware that you will be expected to put in the hours, and gain the grade on Johnny's behalf so that he can add yet another few letters onto his business card!!
After Johnny's success in University, his parents welcomed him into SS Moore's so that he could put into practice all the high powered information he now had in his armoury!!!
As I'm sure you are all aware Johnny could sell snow to the Eskimos ………at a marked up price of course!!
And I guess this is partly due to the confidence he finds when he wakes up in the mornings and slips into his now globally recognised 3 piece tweed suit!!
Now, I have done an enormous amount of research on 3 piece tweed suits, and sports shops, and I can tell you today ladies and gentlemen…….…
The only place to go if you want to have a pair of trainers fitted by a model we'll come to this shortly in a 3 piece tweed suit is SS Moore's as there is not another sports store on the planet where this level of customer satisfaction is reached!!
I am not sure that this skill was taught at university!!!!
Adele, I recently found out that during the early courting stages in your relationship, Johnny had numerous ‘business meetings’ in Dublin. At the time I thought this is wonderful news, Johnny is busy and clearly enjoying work!
I now understand these where indeed a work of fiction, concocted as an excuse to see a certain Miss Thompson. I have also been involved in many of Johnny's fictional business meetings over the years, although for very different reasons!!!!!
John……..mental note, must keep a closer eye on Johnny's diary!!!
Johnny also has another quite unique skill set, in the ability to relieve people of their hard earned money, and the ability to hold onto his with an iron grip!!
In our early years Johnny would always have tagged along on our family's annual summer boating holidays on Lough Erne.
I remember when we were driving down to Fermanagh one particular year Johnny asked me to call in at SS Moore's because he had forgotten to pack towels. I duly obliged and after the shop was relieved of 3 towels we were on our way!!
Some months later I received a phone call from my somewhat aggravated Mother accusing me of using her account at SS Moore's, and on further investigation it turned out that the invoice was for 3 towels!!!!
So Adele keep a tight eye on your wallet or you'll find it has been relieved of its contents on a regular basis!!!!
Johnny, to date, has enjoyed probably one of the longest careers in male modelling history, stretching some 18 years, with no sign of any let up yet!!
It all started with a fairly low key charity fashion show. Which he proudly strutted himself up and down the catwalk wearing nothing but dungarees and a bandana!!!
Unfortunately I have to report that I was right beside him………..anything for charity I suppose!!!
Some of his most prolific campaigns include a somewhat suspect TV commercial for a Breast feeding awareness campaign. A commercial which finds me cringing behind my sofa each time it is televised!!!
Another is an incredible photo shoot for The Wedding journal in which Johnny was dressed in some of the most ridiculous Austin Powers type velvet wedding suits!!!
I must say I am surprised but enormously thankful that all of these suits have been overlooked for this special day!!!
As we are all aware with this type of work comes a fairly over inflated ego!! So perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised when about 3 years ago I was reading through a magazine and happened to stumble across the line up for ‘Northern Ireland's sexiest man’ competition!
Well to my horror and great amusement I found Johnny staring up from the magazine at me!!!
Having read through Johnny's entry, and the reasons for which he felt he should be awarded this accolade, I felt it was my duty to find out who on earth had entered my best friend into this slightly vain but very public competition!
Well you can imagine my utter horror when I discovered that the guilty party for Johnny's inclusion was indeed Johnny himself!!!!!
Having spent this length of time in the modelling industry you would expect a model to have impeccable dress sense would you not??!!
Johnny is well known for having a slightly confused eccentric style. This ranges from tomato red moleskin trousers, worn with a purple silk shirt and a pair of tan coloured brogs.
To…….bright yellow cords a blue blazer with gold buttons I believe this is your personal favourite Adele and topped off with a pair of cowboy boots!!!
So Adele, you are now a Moore and with that brings certain responsibilities to Northern Ireland's style gurus.
And, in order to help you live up to your husband's high fashion standards, please accept these cowboy boots as a starter pack from me!!!
Adele, we are handing over to you a reasonable product!!
A sportsman – Rugby, golf, tennis and swimming amongst his accomplishments
A businessman – or so we think!
A model – who will you help keep up to date with the latest in eccentric fashion
And – a really nice guy who I know will look after you well.
Finally on behalf of all your friends, can I wish you both a perfect marriage and life together.
Remember to keep your wine cellar well stocked as we will be visiting from time to time.