Speech by Andrew Ziegler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew Ziegler
Speech Date: aug 2002
Simon and Emma
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen,
I hope you are all having a great time today, just as I was until about 30 seconds ago before I was called to do this speech. My name is Andrew and I have been asked to be Simons best man and so I would like to begin, as any best man should by thanking Simon and Emma on behalf of the bridesmaids, Nicky and Sarah and their very beautiful flower girl Molly, for the kind words and for having them play a part of this really special day.

So who'd have thought we'd be here today to witness Simon, finally do the right thing by Emma and actually crack a smile for their photo's. I don't know how many of you are aware but this is something that in the past he has refused to do but it would seem that today he just couldn't hold himself back. At first when we saw the expression on his face we thought it was one of those frightful bouts of wind that he is often plagued with. We have it on good authority though he was actually enjoying having his photo taken next to his beautiful bride. So let give him a small round of applause for being such a good sport.

As is traditional with a best mans speech I will now go some way to further trash Simon's character because that's just what a best man is supposed to do and I am under strictest instructions from Simon not to be nice in this speech. Now I wont go into every sordid, sticky, up the back of the golf club when he was 16 detail, but, I will give you just enough so that he realizes what a lucky middle aged balding git he really is, to have someone like Emma still want to marry him. He might get a get a little bit upset at things I reveal but don't worry, I will say something nice at the end and all will be forgiven.

I'm sure you would be all aware that Simon loves to be known as a bit of a Ladies man, a modern day Leslie Phillips if you like, and he loves to offer advise to people that that he meets who he thinks need help in relating to women. So for all you bachelors out there, listen up.
His guidelines are as follows.

Rule number 1. Whenever greeting a young lady we like to use the trade mark Leslie Phillips ‘HELLOO’. Done correctly this will have guaranteed results.

Rule number 2. When engaging a woman in conversation, never get caught looking at her chest. Brief glances while they are not looking are fine, but resist the temptation to linger.

Rule number 3 when passing by a woman that you fancy, engage her with a smile. But, and this is the important bit. Do not to have the look on your face that says ‘I'm desperate, and I want to bed you’.
Clearly these are wise words for any young punter I'm sure.

Well, to help me understand how Simon and Emma view each other I asked what they would you compare each other to. And I was expecting responses that would be touching and romantic especially from Simon, as we all know he the sensitive type, and instead I got. –
At this point mate you might want to familiarize yourself with the nearest exit.

Emma is very much like her ‘J’ reg AUDI 80
What? Simon explains, Yeh
She's a stylish, slightly sporty type that is very well built and only has a few rattles despite her years. You just don get that in the newer models. You do have to keep her well maintained otherwise she becomes unreliable and if she ever breaks down you know its going to cost you your left one to get her back on the road. But all in all she's a quality bit of gear. High praise indeed.

Emma's take on Simon offers a similar response
It would seem that Simon is a flesh version of his ‘78′ model TVR Tamar. So lets examine the man that sits before us, and his prize sport car that rarely sees the light of day. Emma explains .…
‘He's getting a little bit long in the tooth but there's no rust in the body.’ And like his little car he is prone to overheating for no apparent reason and the only thing that will fix either of them is that the both receive a good seeing to in the not too distant future. Most importantly for a sports model though, you expect good performance and Simon, like his car, can go like the clappers.’

As you all know Simon and Emma are a keen sportspeople and I couldn't begin to describe what their spare room looks like with all their bits of sports kit. But there has been a recent addition to the spare room this year by way of a set of golf clubs. So not being content with playing most ball sports. Simon decided that he would take up golf. And bugger me wouldn't you know it he now plays better than me after only 10 games. So it poses the question. What is the secret to his success?
Could it be natural ability? I would say to some extent that could be true, but it would seem that Simon has a little secret that may give him the edge over other golfers and that is by imagining he is a piece of golfing equipment. Now I might ask Simon to demonstrate what he likes to do with this. (Present wood cover). For those of you who don't know what this is, well its known as a wood cover. It has been revealed to me that Simon has found another use for it other than covering his 3 wood. But cleverly, he's still able to call it a ‘Wood cover’, wherever he decides to hang it.

A short message from Simon's softball club reads
Dear Simon and Emma. Congratulations on your wedding and all the very best for the future. Emma, Unfortunately Simon was useless in every position we played him in. Hope you have better luck.

I briefly flirted with the idea of recounting the Stag weekend, but I quickly realised that I wouldn't fancy explaining that none of us managed to get even tipsy and how we were all safely tucked in bed by about midnight on both nights. Rather than be seen as a bunch of light weights, I would like to look at it as sign that we aren't the young, reckless and immature boys that we once were, and now are worthy of the responsibilities of marriage. But there's no need to tell everyone about the early nights.

I'd like to say a few words about Emma and that is she is a remarkable intelligent woman and one of the most caring and kindest people I have ever met, and that is a quality that is so very rare. You are both very lucky people to have found each other.

Simon and Emma, we have had some great times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been great friends to Lesley and I over the past few years, without your kindness, hospitality and friendship it would have made our move to Bristol far more difficult than it was, and it is truly a great honor to be your best man.

TOAST
Now, if you could join me in a toast to some very important people, without who today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will shuffle past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.

And of course we should not forget the new Mrs & Mrs Tovey.

I would like to say to you both “may your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever”. Today is a day when each one of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that today we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come, and I am sure that the love between Simon and Emma will be strong enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let us toast, the Bride and Groom …three cheers to Simon and Emma.

Thank you

Enjoy the rest of the afternoon.