Speech by Andrew

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew
Speech Date: Nov2004
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who do not know me, my name's Andrew or Rew, and it is I that drew the short straw…sorry was given the honour of being the Best Man today.

I hope you are all having a good time, and have enjoyed the service and proceedings so far. Its been an emotional day – even the cake is in teirs

After that joke I think would be wise to mention that I am a novice at public speaking, and I have an overwhelming urge to prove it to you today!

I must say I was a little surprised when Rick asked me to be his best man, but on reflection it was a very logical thing for him to do. I have known him for 7 years now, though as most of you know Rick has recently turned 30. A quick calculation tells you that this leaves 23 years unaccounted for.

That's 23 prime years. 23 years when men tend to commit our most embarrassing acts of stupidity. Acts involving school discos, first dates and almost certainly our first experiences with alcohol. Despite this Rick has in the time I have known him given me sufficient ammunition for occasion such as this.

I first met Rick whilst we were both working at Yorkshire Water in the laboratory in Huddersfield. As recent graduates we were given exciting and interesting jobs to do……… such as counting worms and fly larvae. At least has Rick managed to use his zoology degree once in his career.

Whilst working in Huddersfield Rick rented a house on Manchester Road and he used to get the bus from the town centre to get home. Now in order to ensure he paid the correct fare he used to inform the driver and fellow passengers of his destination..… “John's Books”.

This seemed practical as John's Books was located opposite Rick's house. What Rick didn't realise is that he was quite openly informing all and sundry that he was going to the largest retailer of adult magazines in West Yorkshire!!! Needless to say once Rick discovered the truth he became one of John's most valued customers, in fact John asked me to pass on his apologies for not making it today and asked me to pass on his wedding gift.

A few years later Rick and I shared a house in Beverley were we organised a BBQ on the day of the England V Germany game. We both wore our recently purchased England shirts with pride as we watched Alan Shearer score the winning goal as England won 1-0 – apologies to Rick's relatives from Germany for reminding them of this result. On the bright side at least I haven't mentioned the 5-1 humiliation in Munich!!

Most football fans are a superstitious breed and myself and Rick are no different, and we were convinced that this result was in no small part due to the fact we were wearing our shirts. Therefore from this day on we have endeavoured to wear them for every competitive game since. I must take my hat of to Rick on this matter and salute his commitment to the cause – during this years European Championship Rick had to attend a public meeting to represent the Environment Agency at the same time as England were playing. Not to be deterred Rick wore the England Shirt underneath his suit whilst at the meeting. I suppose its fortunate it wasn't at the same as a Hull game, I think the rather garish City shirt would have put the audience off and ruined his credibility.

On the subject of clothes, in the early stages of the wedding plans Rick was keen on wearing a more traditional outfit of top hat and tails. Catherine quickly pointed out that she didn't want to be seen marrying the Artful Dodger and Rick immediately dropped the idea!

Now onto to the Stag Do, a traditional part of any best man's speech. It was Rick's love of football that was responsible for the choice of location for the Stag Do – Barcelona. Whilst theree we managed to see a game at the very impressive Camp Nou stadium – though as an Oldham fan I didn't think it compared that favourably with Boundary Park.

Anyway whilst in Barcelona I and my fellow Stags set Rick a number of tasks to complete. Some of these are not suitable to be recounted on an occasion like this, however there is one story I can share with one. One of the tasks was to wear a dress which he duly did. To see him in the floral dress with a rose in his hair he was reminiscent of a character from a recent Disney movie – Pochahontis. Unfortunately for Rick after another couple of cervathas and a cigar it was more a case of Pukeahontis as he proceeded to redecorate the floor of the bar we were in before spending an hour in its toilet! Whilst he was in there Kevin informed us that being sick in pubs was something of a party trick for Rick at University – with that in mind lets all hope he manages to keep the meal down this evening!

Speaking of football, as I have already mentioned Rick is a Hull City fan. A team that has done almost nothing but disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams. If that's anything to go by Catherine you don't have to make any effort over the coming years, you can make him miserable and generally walk all over him…….and he'll still feel that things can turn round come August.

Whilst writing this speech I decided to do some research into the date of the wedding, and I discovered that this is an auspicious day for a number of reasons. I found out that on this day in 1582 William Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, so Rick and Catherine look to be in good company when they celebrate their anniversary over the coming years.

Also not many of you may know this but today is also “National Buy Nothing Day”. This according to the organisers is a self-proclaimed festival of frugal living to expose the environmental impacts of consumerism. Anyone can participate provided they spend a day without spending. First of all I would like to thank the parents of the Bride and Groom failing so magnificently today. Also to ensure that we can all participate in this environmental event Rick has asked me to inform you that anyone wanting a drink this evening should go and see him and he will be more than happy to buy one for you!!!!

At this point I'd like to ask Rick and Catherine to participate in the speech. Catherine, if I can ask you to place your left hand flat on the table in front of you please…….Rick if you would like to place your right hand directly on top of Catherine's……

How does that feel?

Make the most of the moment Rick as its last the time you will have the upper hand!!

Seriously I have to say Rick, you're a very lucky bloke marrying Catherine. She deserves a good husband, it's just a shame you got to her before she had a chance to find one.

I thought that it might be useful to pass on some words of advice on married life to Rick. Not being married myself I decided to consult the fountain of all knowledge – the internet. And it produced the following “The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once”.

I was going try and get some advice for Catherine from some of Rick's former girlfriends, but unfortunately they were all culled in the last outbreak of foot and mouth, so that idea went up in smoke.

SLOW THIS DOWN

Finally let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I have enjoyed giving it, then all I can do is offer my sincere apologies.

Ladies and Gentlemen it is my great pleasure to invite you all to stand and join me in a toast to the bride and groom.

THE BRIDE AND GROOM!