Speech by Andrew

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andrew
Speech Date: 26/07/2010 14:09:19

Best Man's Speech

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to start by responding to M's speech and thanking him, on behalf of the bridesmaids – G, L, G, A and E – for his kind words and gifts, and for having them play a part in this very special day. I have to say they‘ve done an excellent job today – performing their role gracefully and looking fantastic throughout the day.

However, they are only outshone by A herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks absolutely amazing.

I'd also like to thank you – friends and family – for coming along today and sharing in M and A's special day. I know it means a great deal to M and A, particularly those of you that have travelled great distances to be here. Personally, I'm amazed just how far some people are prepared to travel for a free meal and a free glass of champagne.

For those of you I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, my name is A and if you don't know, I'm M's older brother. I also used to be his big brother, but as you can see, he's now my big brother!

It was a great privilege and honour to be asked by M to be his best man today. He has quite generously returned the favour that I asked of him 7 years ago, when he was best man for me at my wedding. His best man's speech that day was one of the highlights of the day, so I find myself with a hard act to follow.

With this in mind, I wanted to do the job justice, so I decided some research was needed.  I wanted to make the process as easy as possible so I turned to the Internet. After many hours of searching, I came across some pretty interesting stuff, but then my wife reminded me I was supposed to be looking for tips for the best man's speech.

I did actually find hundreds of ready-prepared speeches on the Internet. Sadly however, none of them were about a couple called M and A, so it looks like it's down to me after all.

I've actually opted for a fairly traditional speech today and I'm told that one of the first things for the best man to do is let everybody from the bride's side know what sort of man their daughter has married. M is caring, loving, sensitive, funny, generous, successful, witty – and ch… charm. Sorry M, I just can't read your handwriting anymore.

When I was putting this speech together, I wrote down a list of the most memorable stories I could think of about M. After crossing out all the really embarrassing ones, the ones Mum and Dad don't know about, and the ones that might incriminate myself, I didn't have much left to work with.

However, this actually worked in my favour as imagine my surprise when earlier this week I received a letter in the post from A. Now I am sure there are many of you here today who have been a best man before, but I wonder how many of you have actually received written instructions from the bride on how to behave on her special day.

I will now share with you the letter:

Dear A,

Firstly thank you so much for agreeing to be the best man at our wedding. I was thrilled when M told me he had asked you and that you had agreed. I can honestly say I don't think he could have chosen anyone more intelligent, smart or well spoken to perform these duties on our special day. I understand that it is traditional to poke a certain amount of humour at the groom during the best man's speech, however, this is a very special day for us and to avoid any upset I would appreciate it if you could abide by the following guidelines.

1. No mother-in-law jokes. I don't want my mum upsetting today, so please avoid any jokes at her expense.
2. Please don't recite any jokes from your favourite TV shows especially no impressions of Augustus Kwembe, Terry Tibbs or Brian Badonde. I know both you and M will find will find them extremely funny, but no one else will know what on earth you're going on about.
3. Please don't tell any lies about M.                                                                    
4. Do tell mostly positive stories about M.
5. Please don't mention the time when M was celebrating passing his probationary period. I seem to recall that he phoned you to pick him up, but as he had been drinking all day and all night, he could not remember where he was. If I am not mistaken A, it took you over 30 minutes of driving around the back streets to find him. As he was still living in at home at the time, it's probably a good job that you managed to get him home and straight into bed, without your mum and dad seeing the intoxicated state he was in that night.
6. Please don't mention the time when M had returned home after a night out with the lads only to find he was locked out of his own house. Following a plea from M to come back with a key and let him in, I cut short my own night out with the girls, and jumped straight in a taxi. When I returned back home, I could not find him anywhere. After several worrying minutes frantically looking for him, I eventually spotted a foot sticking out of his garden storage box. There he was, fast asleep, wedged in the box with his garden tools, his Wellington boots and the recycling for company.
7. Please don't mention the time when M parked his car and forgot to apply the hand break. When he returned back to his car, surprisingly it wasn't where he had left it. His car had rolled across the busy high street, narrowly missing two lanes of traffic, and finished up on the opposite pavement. To add further embarrassment to the situation, he found the police had been called as a member of the public had reported it as an attempted ram-raid on the H. Building Society.

And finally and most importantly, under no circumstances mention M's “little problem”!       

Love from A.

Now, I don't want to ruin your big day A, so please be assured that as you asked so nicely, I will gladly follow your requests.

At this point, tradition dictates that I have to offer M some general advice for a happy and long lasting marriage. Having been married myself for 6 years, 11 months, 21 days, 3 hours and 57 minutes, my own experience has led me to condense this advice into a couple, well 12 to be precise, short rules. So remember M, follow these rules, and like me, you won't go far wrong:

1. A always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. M, you can never possibly know all the rules.

4. If A suspects that you do know all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. A is never wrong.

6. If A is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something that M said or did wrong.

7. If rule number 6 applies, M, you must immediately apologise for causing the misunderstanding.

8. A can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. M, you must never change your mind without written consent from A.

10. A has every right to be angry or upset or both, at any time.

11. A always has the last word

And finally and most importantly M, rule number 12, always remember these three little words: You're right A.

Before I ask you all to join me in a toast to the happy couple I have a couple of messages from people who were unable to make it here today

(Read cards)

I'd just like to finish by saying again what a privilege it has been to be your best man today. I couldn't wish for a better brother and I'm thrilled to see you marrying your beautiful bride A today.

So it now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses. We wish them well for the future and the very best of luck in everything they do. Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Mr and Mrs S – M and A.