Speech by Andy Brown

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Brown
Speech Date: sep 2003
Draft Speech

Opening

Ladies and gentleman, good evening. I won't keep you too long. Most of you will know me already, but for those of you that don't, my name is Andy, and I am Paul's elder brother.

As you will all remember, Paul and Katy were splendidly married in Las Vegas 5 weeks ago. Where they went, Paul didn't need a best man, but Paul has asked if I would mind saying a few words at his reception, so instead of a Best Man, I'll think of myself as – the Best Brother.

Most of you will know Paul rather well, but by the time I've finished this speech, you may wish that you didn't know him at all(!)

Most best man speeches I have heard set out to blatantly demolish the character of the Groom; and, frankly, I see no reason why this one should be any different.(!)

In preparing for this speech, a wise old man told me that it should last no longer, than the time it takes the Groom to make love. (Pause) So, thank you very much, and goodnight.(!)

So, Paul and Katy have decided to get married for better or for worse – which is really quite appropriate, as Paul couldn't have done any better, and Katy couldn't have done any worse.(!)

Let me say it's nice to see you all here, on this joyous occasion; I was actually expecting to see some of Paul's ex-girlfriends here, but Katy has told me that due to the recent foot and mouth crisis, most of them have either been shot or incinerated.(!) Sorry Bruv.

History

I thought it might be a good idea to take the attention away from myself, not being the most confident of public speakers, by using the traditional embarrassing photographs.

I asked the people at Brakespeares if I could borrow an overhead projector, which I could use to provide the laughs. This was not a problem.

I then asked my Mum if she had any embarrassing pictures, and she replied ‘oh, do you mean the one's where he's showing his willy?’.
Now I'm very sorry Bruv – I tried as best I could, but no company in the UK could blow them up so that you could actually see anything..… so that idea went out the window.(!)

Let me move on and tell you a little bit about Paul.

Paul was born at St. Georges Hospital in Tooting, on the 5th September 1972, weighing in at 8 stone 2 pounds, sorry 8 pound 2 ounces.

1972 was the year Rollerskates were invented, the Volkswagen Beetle was the biggest selling car of all time, and the Osmans were number one with ‘Puppy Love’.

You actually share your birthday with both Gerry Halliwell & Freddy Mercury; which may go some way to explaining your strange taste in music.

It will be no shock for you all to learn that he was in fact an ugly baby. In fact, a week after he was born, my Mum was got on a bus with Paul, to go shopping in Tooting.

As she got on the bus, the driver said to her ‘That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen; Ugh!’. My Mum tried to ignore him, and went to sit at the back of the bus, absolutely fuming.

She sat down next to another lady, and said to her ‘The driver has just insulted me’. The woman said to her ‘You go right back up there and tell him off – go on, I'll hold your Monkey!'(!)

He grew up quickly, being the middle of three brothers, and was subjected to “daily character building” exercises dished out by his older brother.

But when Paul was 13, he responded to one of my constant slaps about the face, by chasing me viciously around the street armed with a golf club.

I think I managed to outrun him, but I think you'll agree Bruv, things have been a bit more equal since then.(PAUSE)

When Paul left school, he worked at Savacentre, and then later for the CPS. He did very well here, being promoted to Executive Officer within a matter of only a few years.

Part of his job entailed attending several training courses, based all over the country, which meant he got to stay at some decent hotels.

On these trips, after the training during the day, Paul would transform himself into a silver-tongued lounge-lizard, and would patrol the hotel bars for prey. Unfortunately for Kate, she was in the wrong place at the wrong time(!)

They slowly got to know each other well, and the turning point of their relationship occurred at Hemel Hempstead train station.

Paul had travelled up from London after work, and Katy had taken him out for a meal. They were standing at the platform waiting for Paul's last train to London to come in.

Val & Dave were on holiday at this time, and literally just as the train doors opened for Paul to get on, Katy said ‘Oh, You could always stay at mine’. This wasn't much of a dilemma for my brother; he leapt from the train straight into Katy's arms, and the rest is history.

Kate has since confided in me that she wished he'd got on that bloody train(!)

I must say, it's funny how history repeats itself. Just 31 years ago, Val & Dave were sending Katy off to bed with a dummy – and now it's happening all over again(!)

Stories

Early in Paul & Katy's relationship, Paul had developed some kind of problem with his bottom. Not to put too finer point on it, his bottom had just become incredibly sore.

So sore in fact, that after a couple of days, he found it very hard to actually just sit down.

The sitting process would be arduous. Because of the pain, he would have to hover himself above the chair, and using both his arms, lower himself very gently on to the surface, before letting go completely, and being able to sit.

Poor bloke.

The soreness didn't go away, and Paul hadn't eaten properly since going sick from work. On the third day, he decided that he would make himself some soup.

After spending some time heating the soup up in the microwave, he returned to his bedroom, with his feast on a tray. He wanted to sit on the bed, and eat his soup whilst watching TV.

So, he carefully put the tray down, and very slowly lowered himself onto the bed. He sat very still, happy he'd been able to conduct the manoeuvre without any pain.

He picked up the tray, placed it on his lap. He was very pleased with himself, and looking forward to his food. He picked up his spoon, and raised the soup to his mouth.

Unfortunately for Paul, the soup was still boiling hot. But Paul didn't realise this until he'd taken his first sip. The heat of the soup made him jump.

Now, jump, is the last thing you want to do when you've got a sore bottom, let alone a bowl of soup on your lap. Paul jumped, his bottom jabbed at him in pain, the pain made him jump again, and the tray ended up on the floor.

It all happened in a second, in a ‘oh-aghh-oh’ type of movement(!)

It didn't get any better – The following day Paul decided he'd had enough, and made an appointment to go and see the doctor.

Understandably, Paul was quite embarrassed. Nobody really wants to go to the doctors with a sore botty. He sat in the doctors office, and explained the problem to the Asian doctor.

The doctor nodded his head, comprehending the pain he must be in, and pointed over to the couch. The doctor then got up, and left the room to fetch a nurse.

This placed Paul in a bit of a quandary, as the doctor had actually told him what to do, and he didn't really know what to expect.

He sat there for a few moments, then, thinking on his feet, he thought he might as well get himself ready for the worst.

He stood in front of the couch, dropped his trousers and pants to the floor, stood with his legs shoulder width apart, bent forward, and assumed the position.

Moments later the doctor returned, shocked to be faced with the sight of Paul's bare bottom pointing in to air.

He yelled ‘Mr Brown – please – I just wanted you to lie on the couch’.(!) I think the both the doctor and Paul have never really got over that one.

Telegrams

Just a few Telegrams that have arrived to read out –

To Katy, we were so good together – shame you settled for him – GEORGE CLOONEY

To Paul, have a great day, we'll all miss you now you're married – CROYDON SAUNA & MASSAGE

To Paul & Katy, Sorry I can't be there, things are a bit tricky at the moment – OSAMA BIN LADEN

I think I'm only going to stop now because of my throat. Paul warned me that he would cut it if I went on for too long, let alone mention the sore botty story.

Nice stuff & Closing
On a serious note, I think you'll all agree it took real guts to fly to Las Vegas and marry, just the three of you.

Please know that we all watched it over the Internet, and were with you through every step.

Katy – you are a beautiful lady, and you make an even more gorgeous bride. I hope Paul realises how lucky he is. I know you have both been planning both the wedding trip and today for some time, and can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything has exceeded your expectations.

Paul – I could not have asked for a better brother and friend than Paul. He has always been there for me when I needed him, and always seems to have the right advice. I hope I have been even half as good a brother to Paul as he has been to me.

So, Paul & Katy – may your years ahead prosper with love, affection, health & happiness, which you both richly deserve.

Could I ask you all please to raise your glasses for a toast to the Bride & Groom – THE BRIDE & GROOM.