Speech by Andy Burns

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Burns
Speech Date: Oct2004
Good evening ladies and gentlemen

For those of you that don't know me, Im Andy, and I have the privilege of being Marks best man today.

Before I start, I just like to point out that myself and my friends don't actually call Mark, Mark. We have always called him Bob – a nickname from school. We managed to shorten his middle name Robert. That's a grammar school education for you.

So please forgive me if I make a slight slip and call him by his real name.

Firstly I'd like to say what a wonderful day it has been so far. Im sure you'll all agree. Personally, Im quite disappointed so many of you managed to find Mottram Hall– it would have made my job a hell of a lot easier today if you'd all got lost. Sadly, every silver lining does have a cloud – that being that you've got to listen to a bloke you probably don't know going on about a bloke called Bob you've never met.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mark, on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. They do look lovely and have done a marvellous job – so thanks again ladies. Also to the ushers Nick and Andrew who have also done a great job.
I'd also like to thank Mark for finally admitting that I am the best man.

During my research for this speech many authors suggested many pearls of wisdom. The best of which was try not to be too nervous….well I tried, but I think you'll find that James has run out off nappies.

Another bit of advice was how long to speak for. The general consensus was to speak for as long as it takes for the groom to make love. Unfortunately, I couldn't use that advice as I'd already be finshed.

But Im here to talk about the man himself @ Mark, Bob, whatever you know him as.

Mark came into this world on 22nd June 1974 – and although Mark asked me not to mention it, yes that is 30 years ago

Now I thought it would be a good idea to note some facts about that day. Some little gems of knowledge to demonstrate how extraordinary the day was that Mark came into the world – and to help the speech along.

Unfortunately, absolutely nothing of note whatsoever happened that day – although Im sure Marks mum Jane will disagree.

Having drawn a blank on that one, I thought well what about shared birthdays. Well unfortunately Mark the only famous people you share a birthday with is Meryl Streep @ which frankly is rubbish.

Refusing to be beaten, I moved onto the 2nd October. This very day. Now we were getting somewhere. Today in 1772, slavery was abolished. Mark, its my job as best man to tell you its just been reintroduced for you my friend. Also, quite aptly, today saw the first ever demonstration of a self sustaining nuclear chain reaction, and the first ever 2 aircraft collision – which coincidently was in Munich – where we had Marks stag do. Sorry…..today in 1910…..not actually today.

Thankfully, today has been disaster free. Touch wood.

I first met Mark some 15 years ago at school in Skipton. Mark was in the year above, we soon realised the advantages of having a mate that was a year older. Basically Mark found himself going to the bar frequently to get us drinks. A habit that I have to say has lessened over the years. Sadly for him, he was often the sober one as he also did all the driving.

Having said that, Im surprised he managed to get served on our behalf. It is safe to say that Mark has changed a little over the years. Katy, I couldn't help wondering in you would have fancied him quite so much in those days so I thought id test the theory.

CUE PICTURES

After leaving school, Mark went onto Newcastle University. Although we lost touch a little over that time, Mark being the friend he is offered to teach me to drive during one of the holidays. Being the friend I am, I accepted.

All went well for a while. A nice leisurely drive around the outskirts of Skipton. Mark barking his instructions over earsplittingly loud Led Zepplin. Probably not strictly legal. After I insisted that he turn the music off, the lesson progressed up past the Carlings house on Raikes Road.

For those of you that don't know Skipton, Raikes Road is a long winding street that culminates in a blind brow at the top. Imagine our surprise therefore when on approaching this blind brow, a white Nissan Micra came over it approximately 4 feet in the air at high speed directly towards our faces.

After quickly and instinctively learning the art of evasive driving, the Micra ploughed into the back drivers side sending us hastily into the nearest wall. Now im not saying Mark is understated, but his exact words were “I think we just crashed and I cant find my sunglasses”.

Thankfully we both emerged unscathed and Mark made it back to Newcastle to complete his degree – which he told his parents was a degree in Estate Management. However, I have several witnesses that can suggest otherwise. Apparently Marks degree was actually in Take That dance moves. From what people tell about his revision sessions in the student union he was a star pupil. So Mark, I have had a word with the DJ and he is going to change the music for the first dance for you – you now have to dance to “Could it be magic”.

Having decided that his vocation wasn't as a boy band member or a driving instructor, Mark moved to Manchester to become a surveyor.

It was during his time in Manchester where he met Katy when the now Mrs Carling started work at WT Gunson – the same place Mark was working at the time. I remember Mark mentioning it at the time saying there was a new girl that had started at the office that he quite liked. Ask her out I said – what have you got to lose.

However, Mark didn't exactly take my advice and ask her out – instead, some weeks later, it was Katie that pulled Mark – shall we say taking the initiative during an episode of the Simpsons. Now I know Katy doesn't like the Simpsons, so Im here to tell you all that Mark and Katy are only here today, and Im only making this speech because there was nothing on the tele.

Anyway after the first hurdle of getting together was over – thanks to Katy – they started dating. Now I should be telling you about dinner and candles and things but having asked both of them about their first date, this is what I know about it.

It must have been a memorable night because neither of them can remember anything about it. Not even where it was. Mark assures me that Katy was there though.

5 years on, and Mark decided it was time to do the honourable thing and ask for Katy's hand in marriage. Now I should be telling you about dinner and candles and romantic things but again Im going to have to disappoint.

One word Mark – Wetherspoons. Mark decided to ask for Katy's hand at a 2 meals for a fiver pub. Nice one mate. ???? I wouldn't mind but he didn't even pay for the meal.

Well I suppose things must have improved a little over the years because we're here today and Katy said “I do..… doe don't de doe “. Sorry couldn't resist. Seriously though, I like to be the first to offer my congratulations to me for getting Mark here on time despite a run in with the police for J@walking on the stag do in Munich.

No really I like to offer proper congrats to Mark and Katy.

Katy, to you first. You look absolutely stunning today and I hope youre having the day you deserve in that the memories will be longer lasting than that first date.

Mark you look absolutely stunned – but I know you've done the right thing. You have a wife who is caring, honest, loving and kind. She is always willing to help, and I know she'll always be there for you.

I think the fact that this speech has been as difficult to write as it has been is testament to Mark. A best mans speech is all about dishing the dirt on the groom. That's fairly difficult when there is no dirt.

Mark is consistently the most trustworthy, conscientious and honest person I know. He has been a good friend over the years, and despite car crashes has been relatively safe to be with. So mate – to you – thanks for been a fantastic friend.

Just remember in future its not nice to frighten your friends by making them speak to a room full of people.

It is however the job of a best man to offer some words of wisdom for the couple for their future life together. Not being married myself, I decided to ask a few of our married friends to impart some.

To Mark @ The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once.
To Katy, …..men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your
job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would
like to have dinner with.
That said though Mark, I'm told women are also like a fine wine. They start
out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied
with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which inevitably gives you a
headache.
To Katy @ Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said after marriage he'll fall asleep before you have finished saying it.
Anyway before I finish horray Ive got a / some telegrams.

Firstly from.…

Lastly one from Shilli Mark, “Mark and Katy. I hope you have a wonderful day. Sorry I couldn't be there but I had a band practice.”

Well, before I can really enjoy a drink for the first time all day, it gives me great pleasure to wish Mark and Katy every happiness for a long life together. I think you are fantastic together and I know you and of course little James are going to be very happy together.

So ladies and gentlemen, if youll help me complete my final to@do of the day and please be upstanding.

If you'd all be kind enough to join me in wishing Mark and Katy all the best for the future.

Ladies and gentlemen………..MARK AND KATY.

Sit down, accept standing ovation, drink rest of wine on table, have fags, get pissed.