Speech by Andy Cripps

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Cripps
Speech Date: Apr 2002
Nice one Gary, moving swiftly on. On behalf of the bridesmaids, thank you for your kind words and I have to agree they all look absolutely fabulous, works of art each of them –

THE HAIR BY NICKY CLARK
THE DRESSES FROM GUCCI
AND FOUNDATION FROM B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I'm only joking, the Bridesmaids look smashin’ only being out shone and rightly so by our Bride, Vivienne. And, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men as another beauty leaves the available list and ladies I'm sure you'll agree today's passing by without much of a ripple!

{Hand out gifts to Bridesmaids?}

Well, good afternoon I'm Andy, aka to Gary and friends as Hindsight, Claus, Flag and Andy Knows etc etc, and I'm co Best Man along with Chris here. Aka nicknames and alias’ will cropping up in this speech and not that they're relevant, I know Gary finds it amusing to make them up so.…

Now just in case things don't go according to plan I've bought some sound effects along. [play tape, tumbling tumble weeds]

Now then, now then – my mate Blake, aka Lurch where do I begin…? Good question.

To help me through this nerve wracking experience I decided to use a method I've learnt from Gary, something very close to Gary's heart, (pull out my list of procedures) That's right the key to Gary's success Procedures List.

Procedure 1.
Now to be a successful Best Man you need to do some research.
I decided to buy a book on being Best Man. In it I found a list of Best Man duties and some very important tasks, and I would just like to read a few of them:

• Bring a chequebook or credit card for the payments that the groom may have forgotten. Which knowing
Gary will be none of them. Nice.
• Help the groom dress. Thanks but No Thanks. If he hasn't learned that after 20 odd years you can forget
that one.
• Check that he ties his shoelaces, fly's are up [check own flys] and his face and hair are in order. God didn't
put them in order the first time round, so what chance do I have?
Also during my research into weddings in general I looked into the 3 key elements of the Wedding ceremony and I think that they can be summarised as follows:
• The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
• The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
• The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage.
I think Viv must also have read the same book as me because as she came up the aisle today, I'm sure I heard her whispering “Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn”.

Procedure 2.
Ensure groom does not go to bed having had a tanker full of alcohol there by resulting in a groom with hangover.

I can assure you all Gary was in bed early last night and slept like a baby; he wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying for his mummy.

Procedure 3
Thank Gary for introduction and kind words for bridesmaids – done.

Procedure 4
Thank Gary for asking me to be his best man.
{Lean forward in friendly sharing style} You know, some people say being asked to be best man is like being asked to spend a night with the queen mother, an honour to be asked but you really wouldn't want to do it. The old ones are the best aren't they?

Procedure 5
Say a few nice words about Grooms successes and achievements {pause as though in thought and tear up the procedural list}. But seriously I would love to make fun of Gary but a) I will probably ask Gary to return the favour and be my best man one day and b) nature's been cruel enough already without me trying do anymore damage.

But if I could start with a few interesting little facts from the year of Gary's birth.

• Gillette invented disposable plastic razors, unfortunately Gary had to wait some 20 years before needing them.
• Three-day working week introduced in the UK. I took that one to heart not Gary
• Free family planning available on the NHS – I'm sorry procedural list rule 6 doesn't permit any further comment on this.
• Scientists prove that CFC's destroy the Ozone layer, it wasn't until 1991 that they realised a major contributing factor was Gary's trainers.
• Kate Moss born, and is still single! There for still a chance

HISTORY
Gary and I have been friends for around ten years, we met during our first year of degree and we got on well and shared interests like skipping lectures to go down the snooker hall as you do.
We decided to get a place together for the 2nd year. It was there I discovered Gary's enormous appetite and we had one of our many competitive moments early on; {pause} for control of the biggest plate in the house. It wasn't so much for Gary to get all his food on the plate, more to hold the small of lake of tomato sauce which he has with every meal. I'm sure he's probably brought some along with him today [cue Viv to pull cover off bottle next to Gary]. It's a sight that always stay with me, during meals talking to Gary with ketchup on various parts of his face.

Now if you didn't know Gary works in the drinks industry but it was whilst at university the interest 1st started. As you may well know when you're living the student life you get to go to a lot of parties. Now we realised this was going to cost us so we had the idea of home brewing our own supplies. Whilst I went for a bitter brew Gary decided to brew a cider to devastating effect. It was one weekend, Gary had gone home to get his washing don…., I mean for his Mothers birthday, I was asleep when at about 2am I was awoken by someone throwing a brick through Gary's bedroom window. After a little cursing at being woke up I went back to sleep. 10 minutes later it happened again, the sound of glass shattering, and again, and again. Well even the most laid back of students was intrigued at this point and sauntered through to Gary's room, pushed open the door, bang another one and no word of a lie half a bottle of cider was wedged in the plaster along with a reek of cider and it all became clear. Gary had put too much sugar in the bottles and the result – A war zone of exploding cider homebrew. I dread to think the punishment we put our stomachs through drinking that stuff.

Gary went on to get a degree and didn't waste any time putting himself about the market place. Gary got his break with Carters Drinks Company shifting soft drinks from the boot of his Mondeo. He was using the procedures well and it wasn't long before he gained a reputation and was headhunted by Bass breweries but previous experiences with drink production dissuaded him from taking up their offer. Gary instead moved on to Princes Drinks and being very successful at getting their products on supermarket shelves (which is incidentally where his work life began as a young lad stacking shelves in a supermarket) to being promoted to developing Princes latest acquisition ‘Napoli Tinned Tomatoes’, where he gets to travel all around Europe. Yes he always gets the PLUM jobs.

THE STAG DO
Speaking of travelling to Europe – onto the Stag Do. You're all probably interested as to what really happened and I know Gary's particularly dreading this part of my speech. But don't worry, I'm not going to go into the sordid detail here. Just by me a drink later and I'll happily spill the beans. What I can tell you is that Gary aka Captain Mannering, spent 3 days in the beautiful city of Prague taking in the sights etc with his good men Nick, Wayne, Oliver, Rob, Mark, 2 other Garys, Alistaire, Jason, Chris and me. Who are all incidentally known as Stokey, Shadow, Davidoff, Harry Potter, Angie, Morrissey, Curly, Dick, Dale, Brad, Mini Dad, Mini Mum and of course my good self Pikee.
Whilst I have your attention and if you're interested in where to get good Chinese food in Prague. It's the Obchodni Støedisko on Skoreptka. Where you can sample delicacies such as Deep Fried Wallet, Sea Jingle Bells or Pork with Wooden Ears or if you prefer fowl try the Chicken with tree delicacies. If you're adventurous then try Strange Taste Chicken or Duck! I kid ye not you'll find all the aforementioned on the menu. I think the chicken was supposed to be with 3 delicacies but for strange taste chicken there is no explanation.
T'ree fellas joke?

All in all as best men we feel we did a good job of getting Gary through the weekend without any permanent damage. Naturally we all behaved impeccably and spent the weekend acting like the mature responsible men that we are. In any case Gary made sure there was not going to be any chance of being hung over at the wedding due to any sillyness from a stag do, it took place some two months ago!
SOPPY BIT
Now I've always held Gary in high esteem, a trusted loyal friend, we've stayed pals whilst others have drifted. We have our ups and downs like every friendship has, less arguments than you might think what with Gary being a little higher strung than I, a strong competitive streak which almost saw him beat me at some of the numerous sports we've enjoyed playing. But his natural drive and determination to succeed at whatever he puts his hand to has shone through in the success he is having now. He has captured the heart of a most delectable young lady Vivien who I think is a tremendous character with a warm and genuine nature whose company I enjoy a lot and I know is well capable of keeping Gary in check. They complement each other well, I'm sure it's a match made in heaven. I can see a few tears welling up in people's eyes here so I'll cut the mushy stuff – I've already reduced the cake to tiers.

THE GETTING TOGETHER
Speaking of tears, it reminds of Gary's early attempts at wooing Vivien. The now couple were then just flatmates. It was one warm summer evening in Leeds. Wayne (another good mutual friend of ours from University days) and I had gone up to visit Gary. Viv was out with friends. After a few beers down pub we went back to the flat to watch Match of the Day with a Chinese meal for 6 (Wayne's a big eater too) (and that's Chinese with ketchup by the way). Vivienne came back from her night out and Gary went on the charm offensive. Well Wayne and I were gob smacked at Gary lack of subtlety but not half as much as poor Vivien suffering under a barrage of cushion bludgeoning, yes a real romantic is our Gary.

I shouldn't mock Gary's technique; I don't have much look with women. I thought about getting married so I inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day I received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A Few Wise Words to wind up: –
Grooms should remember, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your wife, to save yourself a lot of headache always remember to get the last words in: "Yes dear" or "OK buy it"
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.… and then it was too late!"
If you see your wife wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger she's trying to tell you she thinks she married the wrong man.
Now I'd like to you all if you would to firstly raise your glasses in a toast the parents of the Bride & Groom, David & June, David & Margaret for without them today would not have been possible.

And finally ladies and gentleman, it is my greatest pleasure to invite you all to stand, raise your glasses in a toast to Gary and Viv, the new Mr and Mrs Blake. We hope you both enjoy a long and happy marriage together. But remember if you hit any probs just give me a bell.

Please take your seats again, just a couple of more things

On behalf of both families, I would like to thank all the guests who have made an effort to come here today from far and wide.

• I have a number of messages from people who could not be here today

And I have a letter from France
Mon Cherie Gary,
I am pleased to have tracked you down again. As you will remember, we first met during a school exchange holiday in France. <Gary's chair shoots back and his jaw drops open> Since then I have held a torch for you. Since you visited last month, (did anyone believe you were working in Albania?), I have moved to Paris.
The baby is well, but I am struggling to look after him on my own.
Could you spare some Francs or even better, come and see us again?
Yours always
Veronique

And finally thank you for listening and it's has been an honour and a privilege to have been a part of your wedding today Gary & Viv. Enjoy the rest of the day
And now I think it's time for Chris to do his bit