Speech by andy dowd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: andy dowd
Speech Date: oct 2004
GOOD AFTERNOON LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M THE BEST MAN AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME MY NAME IS ANDY. I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL AGREE IT'S BEEN A FANTASTIC DAY SO FAR, BUT EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD AND NOW YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME.
ON BEHALF OF ALL THE BRIDESMAIDS I'D LIKE TO THANK GAZ FOR HIS WARM HEARTED WORDS. I'M SURE I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE TO HAVE PLAYED A SMALL PART IN YOUR BIG DAY. ALI LOOKS TRULY STUNNING – ONE IN A MILLION, AND WELL GAZ LOOKS WON IN A RAFFLE.
FIRSTLY THE LODGE HAS ASKED ME TO REQUEST THAT FOR REASONS OF HEALTH AND SAFETY, NONE OF YOU GET UP ON THE CHAIRS AND TABLES DURING MY STANDING OVATION.

I'D LIKE TO BEGIN BY THANKING GAZ FOR ASKING ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN, ALTHOUGH I'M SURE HE ONLY ASKED ME BECAUSE HE WANTED SOMEONE WHO'D MAKE HIM LOOK TALL, SLIM AND HANDSOME.
NOW APPARENTLY THE ROLE OF BEST MAN IS TO ENSURE THAT THE GROOM ARRIVES ON TIME (OKAY THERE), IS IN A SOBER STATE (FINE AGAIN, JUST) AND THAT HE'S WELL TURNED OUT (WELL 2 OUT OF 3’S NOT BAD).
I ALSO HAD THE TASK OF ORGANISING GAZ'S STAG DO, WHICH IN ITSELF SEEMED A HUGE TASK TO ME, AS GETTING A DOZEN FELLAS TO AGREE TO WHAT WE SHOULD DO, APART FROM GET DRUNK, PROVED TO BE PRETTY TRICKY. BUT THE WEEKEND IN LEEDS WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH AND WE ALL HAD A GOOD TIME, PLAYING GOLF IN THE AFTERNOON AND HAVING A NIGHT OUT AROUND THE CITY CENTRE IN THE EVENING.
THANKS AGAIN TO THE LADS THAT COULD MAKE IT AND WELL DONE FOR ALL THE EFFORT IT TOOK TO ENSURE THAT GAZ WON THE GO-KARTING ON THE SUNDAY, BECAUSE THAT SURE WASN'T EASY. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER HE AINT.
ANYWAY, THE LAW OF THE STAG WEEKEND STOPS ME FROM SAYING MUCH MORE.

I'VE KNOWN GAZ NOW FOR A LITTLE OVER A DECADE AND DURING THAT TIME WE'VE LIVED TOGETHER WHILE ABROAD IN GRAN CANARIA, WHERE WE WORKED FOR THE SUMMER. THAT'S POSSIBLY A SLIGHT EXAGERATION SAYING THAT AS WE WHERE ONLY ACTUALLY THERE FOR 2 WEEKS BEFORE FLYING BACK. BUT SAYING YOU'VE LIVED IN THE CANARIES SOUNDS A LOT BETTER THAN HOLIDAYING THERE. WHILE WE WHERE OVER THERE I NOTICED SOME VERY ODD THINGS ABOUT GARETH, FOR INSTANCE, FOR A MAN WHO CAN QUITE EASILY GO 3 DAYS WITHOUT A SHOWER HE SPENDS AN ETERNITY IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. BUT NOWADAYS IT'S HIS EYEBROWS THAT HE GROOMS RATHER THAN HIS EVER DIMINISHING HAIR LINE. ALSO FOR A LAD WHO CLAIMS TO BE AN ACTIVE ATHLETIC TYPE HE SLEEPS MORE THAN ANY OTHER HUMAN ON THE PLANET, HIS ABILITY TO CAT-NAP IS SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS BEEN IMPRESSED WITH.

WE MET THROUGH A MUTUAL FRIEND, STEVE, WHEN WE BOTH PLAYED FOR A LOCAL SATURDAY FOOTBALL TEAM – FOREST RANGERS. STEVE HAD KNOWN GAZ FROM SIXTH FORM COLLEGE WHILE I WAS AT THE ELITE TECHNICAL COLLEGE DOWN THE ROAD. I REMEMBER STEVE BEING QUITE SURPRISED WHEN GAZ TURNED UP WITH ONE OF THE OTHER LADS BECAUSE HE'D ALWAYS THOUGHT GAZ WAS A BIT OF A GEEK, AFTER SEEING SOME OF GAZ'S PICTURES AT HIS MUM AND DADS I CAN ALSO VOUCH FOR THIS, SPECS AND A HORRENDOUS SIDE-PARTING. I WAS A DYNAMIC PACY WINGER WHILE GAZ LURCHED AROUND UP FRONT. TILL THIS DAY GAZ'S BEST MEMORY OF HIS PART IN A FOOTBALL MATCH IS WHEN HE TOLD ME SHOOT AFTER A QUICK ONE-TWO BEFORE I LEATHERED THE BALL 30 YARDS INTO THE ROOF OF THE NET AT SANDBROOK ROAD. ANOTHER TIME AFTER TAKING A BIT OF A KNOCK FROM THE OPPOSITION KEEPER WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS GIVING US HIS IMPRESSION OF A COW BEING SLAUGHTERED, I THINK IT WAS HIS MUM HE WAS ACTUALLY CALLING FOR.
APART FROM THE FOOTBALL WE ALSO FOUND THAT WE HAD SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON, OUR LOVE OF A PINT. EVERYONE WHO KNOWS GAZ WILL ALSO KNOW THAT HE LIKES A DRINK, WHY EVEN LAST NIGHT WHEN WE WHERE IN THE PUB I SAW HIM FISH A MOSQUITO OUT OF HIS PINT GLASS. INSTEAD OF FLICKING IT AWAY LIKE MOST PEOPLE WOULD HE HELD THE POOR LITTLE THING OVER HIS DRINK SCREAMING , “SPIT IT OUT, DAMN YOU, SPIT IT OUT”.
AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME HE DROPPED A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH ON THE FLOOR. I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY SPLINTERS IN A MAN'S TONGUE IN MY LIFE.

I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU NOW HOW GAZ AND ALI MET. SHE WAS THE BARMAID IN A PUB CALLED ‘THE THATCH AND THISTLE’ AND GAZ USED TO POP IN ON HIS DINNER FROM WORKING AT MEOLS COP SCHOOL, AS THE TWO ARE PRETTY MUCH DIRECTLY OPPOSITE EACH OTHER. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING – SCHOOL TEACHER, DINNER, BOOZING. BUT IT BEATS SMOKING CRACK ROUND THE BACK OF THE BIKE SHEDS WITH THE OTHER TEACHERS.
THE FIRST TIME HE WENT IN THERE, HE SAW HER BEHIND THE BAR AND WAS SO STUNNED THAT HE COULDN'T SPEAK TO ORDER A BEER.
ALI SEEING THIS BEMUSED CREATURE SAID “HELLO, WHAT'LL IT BE?” STUNNED SILENCE.
THEN, “CAN I HELP YOU?” MORE STUNNED SILENCE.
THEN FINALLY, “WOULD YOU LIKE A BEER?”
AND AT THOSE WORDS GAZ REALISED THAT SHE WAS THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS AND FELL IN LOVE.

I HAVE TO SAY THOUGH GAZ YOU'VE PLAYED AN ABSOLUTE BLINDER IN MARRYING ALI. YOU'VE FOUND SOMEONE WHO IS BEAUTIFUL, CHARMING, INTELLIGENT, FUNNY, LOVING AND CARING, AND TO ALI, WELL YOU'VE FOUND GAZ. ONLY EARLIER WHEN I WAS SPEAKING TO KEV HE WAS REMINISCING THAT IT ONLY SEEMED LIKE YESTERDAY WHEN YOU USED TO GO TO BED WITH YOUR DUMMY, HOW WE LAUGHED WHEN WE REALISED THAT HISTORY ALWAYS SEEMS TO REPEAT ITSELF.

WELL I SUPPOSE IT'S ABOUT THE TIME IN THE SPEECH WHEN I SHOULD TRY AND GIVE SOME ADVICE SO HERE GOES.
ALI, PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT GAZ IS AN ORDINARY BLOKE AND PROBABLY OWNS ABOUT 3 PAIRS OF SHOES, SO DON'T EXPECT HIM TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU WHICH OF YOUR 20 PAIRS WOULD LOOK BEST WITH YOUR DRESS.

LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST……AND EACH NIGHT AS IF IT WERE YOUR FIRST.

AND FINALLY GAZ REMEMBER THESE THREE LITTLE WORDS..”YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR”.

NOW ONTO THE CARDS……

1. ALI, I HAVE TRIED GAZ IN EVERY POSITION AND FOUND HIM TO BE USELESS IN ALL OF THEM. HOPE YOU HAVE MORE LUCK THAN I DID. THAT'S FROM RONNY OUR FOOTBALL MANAGER.
2. SORRY TO SEE WE'LL BE LOSING OUR BEST CUSTOMER. THAT'S FROM THE OASIS MASSAGE PARLOUR.
3. ONE HERE FROM THE HOTEL IN GREECE. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU BOTH ON THIS SPECIAL DAY, WE'RE VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING YOUR STAY WITH US A MEMORABLE ONE. THERE MAY BE A SLIGHT DELAY ON YOUR ARRIVAL AS WE'RE PUTTING SOMETHING SPECIAL ON FOR YOU..… THE ROOF.

TOASTS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN CAN I ASK YOU ALL TO CHARGE YOUR GLASSES FOR A COUPLE OF TOASTS.

FIRSTLY TO THE PARENTS OF THE HAPPY COUPLE. TO JEAN, MARIAN AND GEOFF.

AND FINALLY I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK YOU TWO FOR ASKING ME TO BE YOUR BEST MAN, IT'S BEEN A TREMENDOUS HONOUR AND ONE I'LL NEVER FORGET. I'M SURE YOU HAVE MANY LOVE FILLED YEARS AHEAD OF YOU AND I WISH YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD. SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE JOIN ME IN A TOAST TO GARETH AND ALISON, THE BRIDE AND GROOM.