Speech by Andy Forbes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Forbes
Speech Date: Dec2007
[Andy]
Ladies and Gentleman, firstly, I'd just like to say how I'm very nervous about making this speech. Thinking about it, this must be the fifth time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand so please forgive me for appearing a little nervous. It's because I am.

Now let me thank all of you for making the effort in coming to celebrate today's wonderful occasion. I know some of you have travelled from afar so a big welcome and I hope you are all having a fantastic time.

I really thought that following a speech by Besty would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.

So, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, and the Ushers I would like to thank Besty for . um . whatever he just said.

Trust me folks, they don't get any better than that I'm afraid.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Andy and this is my sidekick for today Wrighty. Feel free to say hello to us at the bar later on. We are of course a double act &amp have both been given the privilege of being Besty's best men. We have both been good friends with Besty since school and we would like to say a few words. We are in agreement however that we should try and keep this as short as possible – Time is Beer after all.

Now despite this wedding having been meticulously planned, our formal request for an autocue was denied. We will therefore be consulting our notes as we go, so please bear with us.

In all honesty, I'd like to thank Besty for asking me to be one of his best men, and putting me through the wonderful build up of waiting to deliver this speech. I believe the last time I was this nervous was when I was waiting for Besty to get a round in!

[Wrighty]
Speaking of nerves.

I have got to tell you ladies and gentleman back in March when Besty asked us to share the best man duties, I've got to be honest and say that instead of being filled with pride as I should have been I was filled with fear, dread and panic you get the picture. In fact, I was surprised he asked me at all after he had seen how much I enjoyed doing Andy's speech with him a few years ago but I know I had to stand up and help Andy out and if you happen to find any part of the speech funny they are the bits that I wrote.

To help me in my duties I managed to find a best man's checklist which I brought with me today. To prove it hasn't all been fun and games I'd like to read it to you:

. Help the groom dress. Thanks but no. if he hasn't learnt by now…

. Ensure that he gets to the church on time, sober, and smart. Well here he is. Two out of three isn't bad.

. Bring a bag with the following items for emergencies. Aspirin, antacid, deodorant and of course a small bottle of Jack Daniels. Yeah, I'm afraid I finished most of that a minute ago when I realised how many people were here…

. Make a speech to the bride and groom. Does that mention 120 guests? No! I was going to ask you all go and stand outside until I'd finished, but then Besty pointed out a much better punishment is to make you sit here and listen to me!

So, Besty and Jody you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Besty couldn't have done any better and Jody certainly couldn't have done any worse.

[Andy]
Unlike Wrighty, I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing. But I'll try my best today not least because Besty did say that if I do a good job today, I can be Best Man at one of his next weddings, too.

When Besty asked me to be one of his Best Men it was March of this year and we were driving to the match.

Initially I was in a state of shock but once this feeling had subsided I was overcome with a sense of relief only for the fact that I hadn't crashed the car.

So I then had to consider whether I wanted to be Besty's best man. You know, did I really want to organize a stag do, get him to the church on time, and say a few nice things about him at the reception?

Frankly I told Besty that it was a great honour to be asked, but I felt the role may be better suited to one of the other lads.

Besty was however adamant that I returned the favour of being best man for him as he had done so well for me at my wedding some 3 years ago.

I was still unconvinced and then he offered to pay for my suit hire, and here I am.

[Wrighty]
It is, in fact, a wonderful honour to stand before a room full of interested, attentive people and talk in tribute to a man of high achievement, flawless integrity, piercing intellect and impeccable wit – and if I ever get that opportunity, I'll be sure to make the most of it.

When I first heard that Besty was getting married I've got to admit to being a bit surprised, I thought to myself that is strange, David Blunkett has already got a partner but when I learned he was getting married to a woman I was amazed.

The first thing I did when I saw Jody was to look for a white stick or Labrador but fair play to him I couldn't find either. My next thought was maybe she is foreign and needs a British passport but when I met Jody it became obvious, Besty had just been lucky. I still can't quite believe how well he has done for himself.

You will probably not be aware that Besty and Jody had great trouble over the seating plan. Fortunately, Besty gave the room layout some serious thought and took the weight of the decision away from Jody as any supportive partner should do.
What Jody doesn't know is that Besty decided the seating should be set out according to the cost of your present, so the more expensive you're present, the closer you would be seated to the front.
So I hope you lot at the back heard Besty when he thanked you for the tea spoons!

[Andy]
Now everybody knows that it is a great honour to be a Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest we wanted to make the process as easy as possible.
So where does one begin for ideas?
The obvious place seemed to be the Interweb, so with a multitude of resources at our fingertips we dutifully began searching the net.
After a couple of hours searching we found some REALLY good stuff . oh, but then we remembered we were supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches, I thought ”Perfect, job done”.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called Besty and Jody ….so it looks like it's down to us after all.

So, we started to put this speech together, we wrote down a list of the most memorable things we could think of about Besty. After crossing out all the really embarrassing ones, the ones Jody doesn't know about, and the ones that might get him banged up, we didn't have much left to work with.

[Wrighty]
For those of you who don't know Besty that well, lucky you, however he came into the big wide world on the 26th September 1974, and it appears that the world couldn't cope with anything else happening that historic day, other than the comedian Alan Carr's birthday, and judging by Besty's spectacles and camp nature, their birthday is not the only thing they have in common.

[Andy]
We also decided to do some research on the internet for some facts about today, the 28th of December. Now, not many people will know this but on this very day 73 years ago on the 28th of December 1934 the famous Alcatraz prison accepted its first inmates as a federal prison. This is where young men were taken away from their families, where they led a life of solitary confinement from which there was no escape. They were endlessly tortured, humiliated and basically forced to do whatever their masters wanted. I'm sure that when Jody picked today for the wedding it was a complete coincidence.

[Wrighty]
The first time I met Besty he was a skinny, pale slightly ill looking 13 year old. Now twenty years on, nothing much has changed. Our friendship has progressed but sadly his hairline and eyesight have deteriorated.

And so we move on to Besty's school days. This won't take long as there weren't many of them. At the time he seem convinced he was going to be the next LS Lowry, so instead of bothering with trivial matters like passing GCSEs his time was mostly spent doodling at the back of class and having endless battles with his nemesis Mrs Mottram so it didn't come as much of a surprise that when he got his first job after leaving school it was as a tea boy at Minchell Car Spares.

This situation didn't last for long however as he was soon headhunted and became senior tea boy at Pioneer Plywood.

He once asked his careers advisor what he'd be when he left school. I believe the response was &quotabout 35 at this rate&quot.

[Andy]
I've known Besty since we were about 14 years old when we both went to Parrs Wood High School, and he has been a fantastic friend to me for the past 18 years.

In all that time I can hardly remember having a cross word between the three of us which I think is testament to our great friendship and for that we thank you Besty and I hope we're all still best friends after we have finished this speech.

[Wrighty]
What can we say about Besty's hobbies well, there was the time he was going to be the next Nicky Weaver. What with his height and powerful frame, in fact he did play in net for several local teams until his career was tragically cut short by his Doctor when he got repetitive strain injury in his back and wrist from picking the ball out of the net.

And so when Besty discovered his bony frame wasn't going to allow him to be a famous goalkeeper he turned his attentions to his other passion in life, becoming a rock and roll star.

[Andy]
This led to the forming of the well-known super group, Conspiracy with Besty on the drums in between writing the odd lyric or two. Things were going great with several gigs being played all over Manchester until one night when mid song his drum kit started to collapse and it got the biggest cheer of the night. This unfortunately spelled the beginning of the end for Conspiracy.

Now let me tell you ladies and gentleman there is very little on this planet more satisfying than watching, along with a room full of drunken strangers, Besty desperately try to maintain a rhythm as his symbols and high-hat gradually collapse out of his reach.

[Wrighty]
Besty, being of a competitive nature, always wanted to be the first out of the lads to do everything. Drop out of school, lose his hair and eyesight, then came the night in town when he became the first of the lads to meet a girl with her own wheels. I don't want to create the wrong impression but she didn't own a car, you just have to think along the lines of Brian Potter or Steven Hawkin.

One thing I can say for certain about Besty is that he's a generous and romantic man. I'll never forget the time when he told me he surprised Jody with some Lingerie … she'd never seen him wearing anything red before.

Besty made me promise not to mention certain skeletons in his closet, which surprised me, as I thought he'd be more concerned about me mentioning the monsters he's had in his bed.

[Andy]
And so we move on to Besty, the party animal, and the one and only time he has thrown a party. He invited a large group of friends to party at his house and even left the pub early to set up the music and food. Only then, without letting anyone know he decided to lock the door and go to bed leaving the rest of us stood in his front garden with nowhere to go and no money to get home. The only option was to sleep in Wrighty's freezing van. Still, revenge was gained throughout the night as Besty's car provided the perfect place for the disillusioned party-goers to relieve themselves.

[Wrighty]
Since he first started work as a tea boy at Pioneer Plywood, Besty has had a vast array of jobs from forklift truck driver to company director. More recently as the years have caught up with him he has found himself in demand as a male model for both Hambleys wig shop and the Golden Skeleton chain of tanning salons.

Seriously though as we have mentioned, Besty has had lots of different jobs during his career usually excelling in all of them. There has however been the occasional slip up along the way. The one that will stick in my mind forever is the time he took me for a spin in a truck he had hired, the idea was to fill up with fuel however as we pulled into the petrol station our attention was on the height of the truck and not where it was going. So one big crash later and bits of petrol station lying all around remembering the look on Besty's face always cheers me up when I am having a bad day.

Now we have had a lot of trouble contacting people from his previous places of work, and for some reason Interpols fraud section has been showing signs of interest, as most of these businesses are no longer.

[Andy]
Of course, one of the perks of Besty's various jobs has been all the company cars over the years. I think his personal favourite was the green Rover 218 diesel that he managed to blow up in the fast lane of the M63 causing a tail back that made the local news.

I think my personal favourite was the Vauxhall Omega which I borrowed whilst Besty was away on business and I had the time of my life in racing the locals up and down Blackpool front.

[Wrighty]
Of course, having free fuel meant that we could have lads days out that included trips to the beach for a kick-about and maybe a few pints. It was during one of these outings that our friendship was severely tested when Besty had parked up at the beach in Anglesey and given me his keys for safe keeping. After a few hours of football it was back to the car for a quick change before the pub only someone had lost the keys on the beach and with the AA unable to send a vehicle that could move an Automatic car it was a 90 mile taxi ride to Manchester on a Bank Holiday followed by an hour to break into Besty's first floor apartment for the spare keys and then a return taxi journey to Wales. That is 180 miles at time and a half. We arrived back at the beach at 5 a.m. He then made me drive home until 7:30 in the morning still we can laugh about it now.

One thing we can say for certain is that Besty is a lucky groom you've married Jody today and she's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.

Sorry Besty, what's that say, I can't read your handwriting. Oh, yeah really generous, sorry.
And she deserves a good husband.

So thank god you married her before she found one!

Actually, I am guilty for introducing the happy couple. We were all drinking in the Hogshead in Didsbury when Jody caught Besty's eye. Of course with him being the confident outgoing guy he is, he was too shy to go over and talk so it was left up to me in my subtle manner to stop her leaving until she had spoken to him.

They must have got on very well together because I have hardly seen him since.

[Andy]
Now as most of us will know Besty and Jody have got the holiday of a lifetime to look forward to on Sunday. There heading off to the Maldives and also Dubai, where they have a packed itinerary, which includes scuba-diving, jet-skiing and sunbathing in the Maldives and fine dining, trips to the races and I'm sure plenty of shopping in Dubai. However, I'm sure they'll be spending more than a couple of days holed up in the hotel getting over their ”jet lag”

[Wrighty]
I know some of you will be surprised to hear that they are going to the Maldives on honeymoon as you thought they were going to North Wales for 2 weeks, but I think you may have misunderstood Besty when he said he was going to BANGOR for a fortnight.

[Andy]
They say that the best mans speech is the worst 5 minutes of the grooms day, so fortunately for you Besty it's almost over. Unfortunately, Jody, your worst five minutes will probably come later tonight.

Moving swiftly on.

So now we just have a couple of Telegrams that have arrived. [Read out telegrams from cards]

[Wrighty]
Dear Besty we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, – Michael Barrymore, Awwight at the back.

[Andy]
Dear Besty, congratulations on getting married, and also on winning our big spender of the month award! Lots of love from the girls at Angel's pole dancing Club in Lancaster.

[Wrighty]
From Hambleys, sorry your hairpiece didn't arrive in time for the ceremony but hopefully it will have arrived in time for the reception. All the best.

[Andy]
Message from Sven

[Andy]
I think we've performed most of our duties as best men now. We got him to church on time made sure he was dressed and made sure he didn't get into any trouble last night.
In fact, last night when checked on in his room he was sleeping like a baby. By this I mean he wet the bed twice and woke up crying.

We also have a momento of this special day to hand out.

Unfortunately, printing costs have meant it is one copy for every other guest. Enjoy, and the first person to complete the enclosed crossword wins a special prize of a free bottle of champagne off Besty.

[Wrighty]
There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them.

So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff!

I can also say, I know over the years we've been through a lot together, in fact we were just saying earlier how glad we were none of them had turned up.

[Andy]
On a serious note for a moment .
Thanks and well done to Al today for giving away the bride.

May I thank the bridesmaids and say that they all look absolutely radiant and are only outshone by the beautiful bride.

We'd also like to thank the ushers for … well ushering people.

[Address to Besty &amp Jody] Besty, we've had some excellent times together over the years, and I know we will continue to do so in the future.

You have always been there whenever I've needed you, be it, going out for a pint or kickabout, going to the match or lending me your car and it is wonderful to see yourself and Jody looking so happy on your big day.

You have been a fantastic friend to me and it really has been a great honour to be one of your Best Men today.

I wish you and Jody every happiness for the future.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times … and old fashioned enough to last forever.

[Wrighty]
Besty, although unfortunately, Ron isn't here to see you, I'm sure that somewhere he is looking down at you with immense pride. I know that you have got the woman of your dreams and I sincerely hope that you have got the wedding that you both have dreamed about for so long.

I hope your marriage is a happy one, I hope you live as long as you like and have all you like for as long as you live.

So finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank, Al, Val as well as Gladys for making this day happen and you all for sharing their day, and, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand, and charge your glasses in a toast to Besty and Jody.