Speech by Andy Fox

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Fox
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Hello. For those of you who don't know me my name is ‘Andy Fox’ and I am Tony's best man. I am very friendly, house trained, rarely bite and will be found in the not too distant future, somewhere near the bar, so please don't hesitate to come and introduce yourself.

I would like to now take this opportunity to start with a few thankyous. Firstly, to the bridesmaids. Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong. It is apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for over an hour, but I'm sure you'll agree they've performed such a role splendidly, all look beautiful and have done an amazing job here today. So I think a round of applause for the bridesmaids is most definitely in order…

I would also like to thank Tony and Stephen for their kind words. I was glad to see that Tony had put slightly more thought into his speech than the shortest speech that I had ever heard, which went something along the lines of, ‘I've found my babe and I'm going to love her forever.’ and despite the nerves he came up trumps.

Now as for this speech, I did try to memorise it, but please forgive me if I resort to my notes every few seconds. I did ask for an autocue but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far and neither does my eyesight.

There are not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do exactly that. It is an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today, and I now realise why it is said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother. It's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

When deciding to do this speech I thought that a good idea to take the attention away from myself, not being the most confident of public speakers, would be to either use props, or the traditional embarrassing photographs. This latter idea struck me well, and I asked the hotel if I could borrow a projector so as to provide the giggles. This wasn't the problem. That lied in when I asked Tracey if she had any embarrassing pictures and she said "Oh do you want one where he's showing his Willie"? But, I'm sorry Tony; no company in the UK could blow it up so that you could actually see anything, so that idea went out the window.

At this point I decided that I needed to know what the role entailed. I have now read several books on being a best man and all of them include a best man's checklist, which will guarantee a smooth wedding. So as everything seems to have gone swimmingly well so far, I thought that I would share a few of the things I was expected to do: –

1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for the payments that the groom may have forgotten. Which knowing Tony will be all of them.

2) Help the groom dress. Thanks, but no… if he hasn't learnt after 25 years. (PAUSE)

3) Ensure that the Groom
a. Uses the toilet (again, no I refuse.)
b. Ties his shoes
c. Has his face and hair in order (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
d. Has nothing between his teeth (or is that his ears)
e. Has his trouser flies done up…erm
On second thoughts I think that maybe Tony's mum should have been the best man.

4) See that all ex girlfriends are kept at bay – I should think most of them
will be far from angry, probably out celebrating…

5) Bring a zip up bag with the following items for emergencies: – Aspirin, Antacid Deodorant, Valium (sorry mate I finish those of on the way here) Tooth brush and toothpaste and a big black marker pen.I did actually bring one of those, because it says here I have to, but if anyone knows what it's for, please tell me because I'm dying to know…

6) Make a speech to the bride and Groom.
Now I thought that this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I would get
locked in a nice small room to talk to them for a while, maybe with a cup of
tea or even a beer. So you can understand that I am little upset to be
standing up here in front of all of you. Still, must press on..

7) Dances with the bride after the groom, her father, and her father-in-law.
Now don't get me wrong, as I will do anything for charity and I have no
problem in dancing with Tracey, but dancing with Tony, Stephen, Barry and
then Keith one after each other, might just take a few more beers than I
have already consumed. Now if it was just one father in law maybe…

This concluded with:
“The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."As you can see, Tony's obviously an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his:

Tracey, what can I tell you about Tony that you don't already know; you have known him enough years now to know all about his bad habits, drinking to excess, stopping out until early hours, coming home smelling of curry and that lovely dusty, sweaty aroma he tends to bring home from work.But that is one of the many, many plus points about Tony. He has always been a hard worker, always looked after himself well, knows what he wants to do and will do anything to get himself there. He is a very competitive character, whose mantra “I don't like to lose” has been left ringing in my ears on umpteen occasions as he has come back to beat me at snooker, pool,
bowling and everything else we have participated in. He also has a wonderfully refreshing old-fashioned sense of loyalty, so much so that you know you can always rely upon him, and he obviously has a great choice of friends and a great eye for a woman.

He also has an interesting tendency to display his manhood at the drop of a hat. In the years I have known him I've lost count of the times I have been introduced to ‘Little T’ but I must share some of the more memorable moments. As I mentioned before Tony has a very competitive streak, so when, on one drunken evening in Scrooges wine bar somebody came up with the idea of pouring hot candle wax onto their arm Tony had to go that one better. So with a little encouragement from the future Mrs Collier, ‘Junior’ made a surprising entrance into the evening only to be doused with the finest candle wax in Blackpool. Needless to say nobody could beat that.On a slightly less masochistic tone, again it was Tony who created a new sport one drunken evening. After leaving West Coast Rock late Sunday night, in a alcohol induced state, complete with a life-size cardboard cut out of Wynnona Rider under one arm (acquired I believe from just inside the door of West Coast, but my memories not 100% clear on that) the suggestion was raised to try the ‘Trousers down, todgers out 100 yard dash’. Now I don't know if anybody here has seen 6 or 7 grown men running down the street at around one in the morning, doing a terrible impersonation of a penguin crossed with a really cold elephant, but it was a great sport and one that I recommend you all try one evening.This trend continued for Tony during the 1998 Football World Cup, who whilst on a regular off license trip came home dripping with sweat saying “The police are after me”, somewhat understandable really seeing as he had been shopping at Healds in nothing but his dressing gown at 5pm, which had accidentally flapped open in front of a startled and slightly bemused shop assistant. If only you had have been wearing some underwear..

In some ways you could say I've been a father figure to Tony;I watched him drink from a bottleI watched him stagger around nakedI watched him crawlI've dressed and undressed himAnd I've even cleaned up after himAnd this was only last night!!!!

Tony Collier was born on the 2nd of March 1976, a year of some all to distinguished events, including the likes of The VW Golf being launched, Walt Disney World logging its 50 millionth guest, Liverpool FC winning the league for a record 9th time, the Viking 1 probe landing on Mars and the first commercial flight by Concorde (London – Bahrain). But there were two events of that year that struck me as a remarkable coincidence that it was the same time as the arrival of young T.C. Firstly the phrase ‘Junk food’ enters the English language for the first year; surely as good an excuse as any for the liking that Mr Collier has for this form of eating, and also it was the driest summer in the UK since 1727; a strong indication for the arrival of Tony in the future, at any pub or bar that is.Tony also shares his birthday with a couple of well known celebs, Jon Bon Jovi and Karen Carpenter, but I cant think of any gag or remote tie in to these, as anybody who has heard Tony sing will justify for me. Just for the record Tracey also shares her birthday with a famous person, Claudia Schiffer born 1970, but as I said before I can't think of any relation between the two at all.

I've actually known Tracey longer than Tony, but I have been sternly warned not to delve into any of her terrible past relationships, her horrible pre and post pubescent attitude, her early problems with drugs and the short spell she spent in a Singapore jail for trafficking and prostitution.Instead all I'll say is that as I have seen her grow up she has become a lovely, independent, very straight forward person who I know I could trust with anything, even Tony, and as I said before it is an honour to be here today not just for Tony but also for you.Enough of that, I'm now going to read out a few messages…

Here's one that reads…

– Dear Tony – From all of us at Madame Thrashards Spanking Emporium – we hope you have a great day

Here's another one…
Tony, I can't help thinking about what could have been – Loving you always –
Tarquin.

‘I will leave the key to the palace under the backdoor mat’.… Signed ‘The Queen Mum‘…Oh Sorry…That one is addressed to me (Pocket the card).

Moving swiftly on…

Before the toasts its customary to give the bride and groom a few words of wisdom; Tony – This is a piece of advice that most of the married men in this room will all have learnt themselves, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary… is to forget it first time around.Tony, you have been a great friend to me over the years, and it is a great honour to be your best man, you have pulled a blinder in marrying Tracey. You have found someone who is beautiful, well mannered, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. Tracey you've found, well Tony really

Tracey; If you love something set it free, If it comes back it was and will always be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.But remember, Men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Tony, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

Before I finish I would like to ask Tony and Tracey to participate in the speech now. Tracey if I can ask you to place you had flat on the table. . . Tony, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Tracey‘s. . . I hope that you are enjoying that mate as it is the last time that you will have the upper hand..

Shortly after this speech, the bride and groom will be retiring to their room to, ahhem “Freshen Up” aahem, and will be returning for the arrival of the evening guests at approximately 8 o'clock. All guests are more than welcome to stay at the hotel, and join me in the private bar for a drink, or you can of course go home and freshen up yourselves. The choice is yours.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances.Mr and Mrs Collier, a nicer more perfectly suited couple you could not wish to meet, and I wish them all the happiness in their future together. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Now before I go for a long lie down could you please join me in standing and raise a glass to the bride and grooms parents for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here.And would you all please remain standing, in joining me in a toast to the happy couple. "Mr and Mrs Collier".