Speech by Andy Gates

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Gates
Speech Date: 02/10/2012 14:01:56

Good afternoon, everyone.  For those of you that don't know me, my name is Andy and I'm the best man.  I would just like to thank everyone for coming here today, especially those of you who knew I would be saying a few words.  It's very touching that you still turned up!

I was deeply honoured when Steve asked me to be his best man and I've been looking forward to this moment for weeks.  This will be the first time since I met him that I'll be able to speak for 5 minutes without him interrupting!

Now, they say that the Groom's worst 5 minutes of the day is the Best Man's speech.  However, the Bride's worst 5 minutes come later on tonight!

On behalf of our beautiful Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Steve for his praise of them and yes, they are truly beautiful.  Of course, they are only eclipsed by our stunning Bride, Elaine, who I think you'll all agree looks like one in a million.  Steve on the other hand looks like he was won in a raffle!

I'd also like to thank Phil Rowe for giving Elaine away today.  I know that he was deeply honoured that Elaine asked him to undertake this role, which I think you'll agree he has carried out immaculately.  Those that know Phil will know how difficult this was for him as he hates giving anything away!!

With regards to the wedding, Elaine has done much of the preparation to detail herself with regards to the invitations, the flowers etc. All the table decorations were made by her and I think you'll agree that it's been a lovely wedding, so well done to Elaine.

Now, as part of the wedding package here at Stoke-By-Nayland, the Groom is given a round of golf for 4 people.  A couple of weeks ago, Steve, myself and a couple of friends took advantage of this.  Steve's father, Graham, who sadly passed away a few months ago, was also a keen golfer and Steve took along Graham's driver to hit one shot in memory of his dad.  I'm sure that you'll agree that this would have pleased Graham immensely.  Quite what he would have said about the severe slice and the lost ball, I'm not sure!  But I know that he would be a very proud man today.  I also know that Elaine's late mother, Shirley, would be equally as proud to see her beautiful daughter married today.

Now I've known Steve for around 12 years and we first met when we both joined the local Scuba Diving Club to learn to dive.  He very quickly earned the nickname “Von Trapp” due to the fact that he wouldn't shut up!  To this day, he is known to all in the diving club simply as “Von”.

We learnt very quickly during those lessons that the person you dive with, quite literally, has your life in their hands.  In the rare event that something goes wrong, you are heavily reliant on each other.  Of course, when you first meet someone, you have no idea what sort of person they are, but when you see someone brushing his eyebrows with a hair brush before they go out it gives you an idea!  All I will say about Steve is that once I got to know him I was – and still would be – happy to trust him with my life.  Mind you, as soon as he sees a crab or a lobster underwater, he's like a dog after a rat to catch it and you're on your own!

Now I read somewhere that I should do a bit of research into my friends’ background, and a nice touch is to find out what historic events occurred on the date of his birth.  It appears that Steve was born on Wednesday, November 30^th 1966, or as they still call it today in the maternity ward at the William Julien Courtauld hospital in Braintree,  “Ugly Wednesday”.  I'm told that Christine didn't suffer from morning sickness until after the birth.  What a great day in history this was.  Or so you'd hope when you are giving a speech and want to say something interesting!  Unfortunately for me, all I could find that happened on that day was that Barbados became independent and Tom Jones was # 1 with “The Green Green Grass of Home!

Steve was born in the Essex town of Braintree and lived there until the family moved to Sudbury.  I know that many of his relatives have made the long trip from across the border today, so can everyone please mind the caravans on their way out of the car park.

As a young man, Steve was a keen sportsman and played football and cricket in local leagues.  In fact, not many people know this, but Steve could have been a professional footballer if it were not for 2 things – his left foot and his right foot!

As I have only known Steve for around 12 years, I had to ask some of his friends for some information about him.  I was reminded of his dancing prowess, which I have witnessed first hand on many an occasion.  If you have never seen Steve dance, then boy, you are in for a treat tonight!  And the venue doesn't matter either, oh no.  A couple of years ago, my wife, Cindy and I went to Egypt with Steve, Elaine & Chloe.  After dinner one evening we went to the entertainment bar, where they had children's bingo followed by a kiddies disco.  He couldn't resist.  There he was, giving it large on the floor with 20 or so 8 to 12 year olds, doing the Michael Jackson crotch hold and all.

Another thing I was reminded about is his eating prowess.  If eating were an Olympic event, he would be a triple gold medallist!  He regularly eats not only his own, double sized portions, but also clears up everything that anyone within a 10 yard radius leaves.  At home, he has his own special dinner plate – about 75% bigger than anyone elses!  I remember on one diving trip in Southsea, where we were in a static caravan, we decided to order Indian take-away for dinner.  Steve ordered his usual – Chicken Jalfrezi, pilau rice, mushroom rice, plain naan, peshwari naan, onion bhajii and 10 puppadoms with pickles.  When it arrived, we found that plates in the caravan were at a premium, so Steve found a pyrex cooking bowl, tore the naan's into pieces and put them up the sides of the bowl to make it twice as deep and then poured everything else into the bowl.  Surprisingly, he didn't finish this meal, but did another of his famous things – he put the leftovers in the fridge and ate it for breakfast at 6.30am, just before we went out on the boat to dive!

Apart from his immense dancing and eating talent, I am reliably informed that Steve is also a first class singer.  On one of the infamous skiing trips, the lads had all gone to the karaoke bar with the exception of Phil and Jane who went to the chalet for a “sleep”.  When they finally got down to the karaoke bar, they met the group of worse for wear friends who were enthusing about how Steve had sung a song brilliantly and they urged him to sing it again so that Phil and Jane could hear his dulcet tones.  Of course, that thing where you are sober and everyone else is drunk was prevalent and Phil & Jane questioned his talent with the microphone.  So what we want to do now is to get Steve to once again take centre stage and show us what he can do and let us make our own mind up about his singing.

So, Steve, can you remember the song that you performed on that magical evening?  Yes, it was Don McClean's “American Pie”.  Now Steve will sing the verses and can everyone join in on the chorus please?  Here's the mike, cue the music and away you go!

Well ladies and gentleman, that was truly errrr… something else!

Moving on from Steve's antics over the years, Steve and Elaine met in the Ship and Star pub in Sudbury, where Elaine worked as a barmaid and Steve was a frequent customer.  But they didn't actually start going out for another 4 years.  They bumped into each other out one night and started talking.  Elaine went off to another pub with her friends and Steve followed her.  He then stalked her until she agreed to go out with him on a date.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Now Steve has a beautiful wife, a beautiful daughter and a beautiful home.  Typically for Steve, they came in the wrong order, but never mind!

Elaine was very concerned that with the excitement and tension of the day that Steve's finger may swell up and make it difficult to get the band of gold on it.  Unfortunately, she didn't explain it quite like this.  What she said to me was “Make sure you put plenty of Vaseline on Steve's ring”.  Now I've known him a long time and we are very, very good friends, but there are limits!

Being serious for a minute, Steve and Elaine have something very special.  Singularly, they are both great people.  Steve is kind, generous, intelligent and ………..… (squint whilst looking at prompt card)  I'm sorry mate, I can't read your writing.

No, seriously, they are two of the best, each with their own special qualities and together they make a wonderful couple.  As most of you know, they have been together for a number of years and have been blessed with their gorgeous daughter Chloe.  Some might say “Why bother getting married?”  Well, I personally believe in marriage and I believe that Steve and Elaine have today made their lives complete.  They will be stronger than ever and enjoy a wonderful life together.

Now at this point, I'm supposed to offer the Bride and Groom some advice on how to handle married life and each other.  I'm pretty sure by now that they know each other inside and out and don't need any pointers from me.  But I'm going to have a go anyway!

So Steve, how do you impress your new wife?  Well, you should compliment her, cuddle her, kiss and caress her.  You should love her, stroke her, tease and comfort her.  You should protect her, hug her and hold her.  You should spend money on her, wine and dine her, listen to her, care for her and stand by her.  Above all, you should go to the ends of the earth for her.

And Elaine, how should you impress your new husband?  Turn up naked with a doner kebab.

Well, I'm sure that by now you will be glad to hear that I'm almost done.  All that remains for me to do is to ask you to charge your glasses, stand and join me in wishing Mr & Mrs Goodwin a long, prosperous and happy life together.  Ladies and gentlemen – to the Bride & Groom, Elaine & Steve!