Speech by Andy Mainwaring

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Mainwaring
Speech Date: Jun 2009
Good afternoon everyone and welcome to this lovely venue. It has been an outstanding day so far, and we've still got all the dancing to come yet. I would like to thank Mark on behalf of the bridesmaids and I'm sure you'll all agree that the bridesmaids all look stunning today.

It almost goes without saying, but I'd like to congratulate Mark and Katie on their wedding day and Katie does look beautiful today.

This is second time I've been best man and I was very tempted to simply give the same speech again because there are only a few people here who heard it, so apologies in advance if I use the wrong names, places and events.

I've known Mark since I was eight his mother was one of my first teachers at school, and we lived together for a while after university so I like to think I know him pretty well

With this is mind I feel that it is my duty to tell Katie exactly what Mark is like and I would like to highlight a few qualities of his.

As I'm sure many of you know, Mark likes to think of himself as a very hands on, practical man and one who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. However, as his friends know, this is not strictly true. Case in point I remember when he first bought this house. He was explaining about the schedule he was organising, and since the house was being held up by two massive logs, I thought the first job would be to make sure the house didn't fall down. And in true ”hands on” spirit, Mark proceeded to explain that far from thinking about keeping the house standing, he was more concerned about where the drive would go, rebuilding the treehouse and what the gardens would look like. Katie is ever so lucky to be married to man who, when the lawn needs mowing, is more likely to draw a landscaped plan, than to actually go out and do it.

Throughout history, there have been many great inventors and often great people who have discovered something so important, that their findings have been named after them, Watt, Faraday, Celsius etc etc. I'm pleased to reveal that Mark can be counted as on an intellectual par with these great men. One, rather infamous, quality of Mark's has been highlighted many times, at school, university and in working life. It is of course, Mark's hangovers. Now you would think that being raised as a member of the Young Farmers that he would have conditioned his body to accept copious amounts of alcohol. Mark must have been absent when the ”how to drink” lessons were taking place. When he was at university, his hangovers were so epic they were measured in days rather than hours. One of these days became known as a Yarn. With this in mind, in his first year, he managed a hangover for two Yarns and when he was offered food, promptly returned to bed for another Yarn. And if you see me later there is a sweepstake taking place regarding the number of Yarns Mark will be affected for following this evening.

Mark also believes he is very good at organising other people, especially when they don't really want to be organised. A few years ago we went on a group holiday to Tallinn, the capital of Estonia and I was pleased that we managed to see all areas of the city whilst we were there. The problem was that we saw it all on the first day because Mark has appointed himself head of excursions. Furthermore, when we arrived on a day trip to Helsinki, Mark seemed to think the city would disappear at the end of the day much like the land at the top of the magic faraway tree, and made it his duty to ensure we saw every last nook and cranny. I was concerned Mark would take the wedding march out of the church at the same pace, but thankfully we did manage to see the happy couple as they left.

I have to say I was surprised Mark made me his best man because the last time he put me in charge of a celebration of his was at a Chinese restaurant for his birthday a few years ago. Little did he realise I had told the staff of his birthday and whilst we were mid-meal, the lights dimmed, and everyone joined in as a terrible rendition of happy birthday played throughout the packed restaurant. Furthermore, he was presented with a strange collection of fruit fashioned into animals and arranged around a Sarah Lee chocolate gateux. And if you check under your tables you will find a picture showing his reaction to this event. I just hope Sarah Lee didn't make the wedding cake.

I would like to warn Katie that Mark can sometimes be a little too protective of his wallet. I remember once we travelled up to Liverpool to see a friend. I offered some petrol money to him but Mark simply said, ”don't worry, just buy us breakfast on the journey back in the morning.” Whilst this seemed very reasonable, on arriving at the service station, Mark made sure he picked the ٧ option ensuring I paid much more for his breakfast alone that my share of the petrol. This extends to his poker playing in which the only word he seems to understand is fold, even when we're playing with matchsticks.

As we all know, in these hard times of recession and recycling, it's only fair that I do my bit for the environment by reusing part of the other best man's speech I wrote, and let's be honest, there are only 10 people in the room who have heard this before.

So here are a few tips for a successful marriage:
1. Mark, women always like to hear those three little words once in a while. ”Here's my wallet” will get you through many a scrape!
2. ”Nothing” very rarely means nothing in answer to the question, what's wrong.
3. And finally, whenever you think you're right Mark, you're probably wrong so keep quiet!

It has been an honour to be your best man, I'm really happy for you both and I wish you every happiness in the future.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you please raise your glasses for a toast.

To Mark and Katie.