Speech by Andy Martin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Martin
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Andy Martin, and I am Chris & Clares best man for today.

Before I begin, I have been asked by the manager of Makney Hall if we would ensure that all the fire exits are kept clear at all times, and that the aisles between the tables are free from obstruction.
There are medical staff outside the building, and we need to give them a clear run when he gives Tony the final bill.

It will take more than morphine and laughing gas to open that wallet.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and myself, many thanks Chris for your kind words.

I always knew it would be difficult to follow a speech made by Chris, and I was right……………..I couldn't follow a word of it.

Chris was born in 1965, now the only two memorable things I can find that happened in 1965 were that Brooke Shields was born, and the Rolling Stones were fined £5 for urinating against a wall.
I couldn't for the life of me find a link between Chris and Brooke shields.
The Rolling Stones, urinating and walls…no problem, but not Brooke Shields, so I gave up on that one.

What can I say about the bride, Clare as we all suspected, you've done us proud, you look fantastic, and Chris, as we all suspected, you look like third prize in a raffle.
But looks aren't everything, Clare, I'm sure you'll still love Chris when he's old and greyer.

Chris, I'm sure I don't have to tell you, you are a lucky groom. You have married an intelligent, generous, caring and beautiful girl.
Clare you've married Chris!

Tony, isn't it funny how history repeats itself, not thirty years ago, you were sending Clare to bed with a dummy, and now here we are again.

I spoke to Chris's football team and they said with the exception of his goalkeeping he's useless in every position, so best of luck tonight Clare.

As many of you will know, I am an authority on absolutely everything, and so I thought it only right that I dish out some wedding day advice.

Never go to bed on an argument……….Always stay up and argue.

Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present.

It is important to get on with your mother in law. I haven't spoken to mine for two years. Not because I don't like her….… I just don't like to interrupt.

Incidentally, did you know that mother in law is an anagram of woman Hitler.

As many of you will know, Chris worked as an estate agent, whilst he was training to be a surveyor, and so I thought it only right to tell a few estate agent jokes.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road, and a dead estate agent in the road?
Skid marks in front of the dog.

What do you have, when an estate agent is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What do geese and estate agents have in common?
They can both shove their bills up their a………

What's the difference between Tony Dickinson and a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut.
Sorry Tony don't know how that one got in there.

I'd like to assure you all that we are unlikely to have any problems this evening with any of Chris's ex girlfriends showing up.
The foot and mouth epidemic saw off most of them, and I think the rest are out celebrating.

I've been given some cards to read out, so here are a couple of them.

Chris, we could have been so good together – That's from Brooke Shields.

Chris, we could have been so good together – That's from Michael Barrymore.

Ah ! and here's one from Mr Unsingey Titoley at The Tree Tops Lodge in Kenya.
Dear Chris and Clare, we are very much looking forward to you coming to visit us on your honeymoon.
Don't worry if there is a small delay on your arrival, we are putting on something special for you……………….it's the roof !

Chris, we could have been so good together – That's from Mr Wheatley.
(Sorry folks that's an in joke, you'll have to ask Chris about that)

Anyway I'll have to bring this to a close, because of my throat, Clares threatened to cut it if this goes on any longer.

Clare you have been a great friend, not only to me, but to Kim as well, you deserve a good husband, unfortunately Chris slipped in there before you got chance to meet one.

Ladies and Gentlemen, there are two very important people here today, they both mean a great deal to us all, and we couldn't do without them, at some stage this evening we will all be with them, sharing this special day.
Ladies and Gentlemen please be upstanding and raise your glasses to….The Bar Staff.

Of course I'm only joking,

To love, laughter and happy ever after, Ladies and Gentlemen, Chris & Clare, The Smithys !