Speech by Andy Masson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Masson
Speech Date: May2007
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. No doubt, by now, most of you will know me as “Andy”, however, my full name is actually “Andy-would-you-like-a-drink”. I do hope you'll use it when you come and say hello later on.

It is both my pleasure and honour this afternoon to be Dave's Best Man. According to tradition, the first of my tasks is to thank certain people for their contribution today. Frankly speaking, they've had it easy, standing around, pouting and looking pretty but without them the day just wouldn't have been the same. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, the Ushers, Derrick and Chris.

At the same time, on behalf of Michelle's lovely Bridesmaid, Kelly I would like to thank Dave for his kind words and gift.

I've been asked to keep this speech clean and free of any of the usual smutty, sexual innuendo. So if there's anything the slightest bit risqu&#233, I'll whip it straight out.

As part of my research into the responsibilities of a Best Man I spent a long time trawling the internet. I have to tell you that after a couple hours of searching I'd found some great stuff. Then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man speeches.

It turns out that my main job here today is to sing Dave's praises and tell you what a great chap he is. But, as I can't sing and I won't lie to you this is going to be short speech. My research also told me that the Best Man's speech should go on no longer than it takes the Groom to make love… so apparently, I've gone over already !

First though, a little history : Let's go back into the depths of time, to Sunday 21st May 1972, Marc Bolan and T.Rex are number one with Metal Guru and Michelangelo's sculpture, the Piet&#224 is damaged by a vandal in Rome. Into this world, a plump little bundle of joy is delivered kicking and screaming. A baby that would go on to achieve great success in the future. I am of course talking about the rapper Notorious B.I.G. Meanwhile, 3,500 miles away in ******, Dave is born. Dave also shares his birthday with Mr. T Judge Reinhold from Beverley Hills Cop Jeffrey Dahmer, the notorious serial killer and Mutya Buena from the Sugababes. What a great birthday party that would be.

[Note: try looking up the Groom's birthday or the wedding day on Wikipedia]

Dave eventually grew up enough to attend the local comprehensive school, where, according to his school report he was “An ideal student who should excel”. Hang on, I'm sorry, I'll read that again. “He was an IDLE student who should have been EXPELLED”. The incident on the rugby field … being a case in point.

It was at school that Dave began his passion for, let us say, the more leisurely sporting pursuits, namely, Cricket and Golf. Sports that he still enjoys to this day. You'd think by now that he'd have improved his stroke play, but no, there is still no safe place to stand when Dave tees off. The ball goes one way, the tee the other and not necessarily the right direction.

Upon leaving school with a clutch of qualifications he attended ****** University to read chemistry – occasionally. At least I think he studied chemistry of some sort, he certainly did a lot of research into the effects of various chemicals on the human body.

Well for one reason or another, things at ****** didn't work out. Dave took a year off working for a number of local companies before restarting university in Liverpool. I think Dave and I first met, very briefly in Freshers’ week. However, it wasn't until a couple of years later when we both moved in with mutual friends that we got to know each other. Despite our differences – me being a gritty, northern lad and him a soft, southern wuss – we got on well enough to share a house in our final, Masters’ year. What a great year that was too, we indulged in the caf&#233 and wine bar culture of Liverpool and Dave listened to a lot of music by Enigma. [Note: this was a private joke with Dave] ****** Rd was the poshest student house in Liverpool, or at least it was until we moved in… a flooded kitchen from the broken washing machine and golf practice in the lounge soon took it's toll.

Unfortunately, it wasn't just the house that suffered, our friendship had too. After a year of living together we fell out. Over a couple we'd both become very fond of actually. Becks and Stella were great : tall, blonde, cool, and they went down a treat. Trouble was, we couldn't agree whose turn it was to buy the next round!

We soon patched things up and have had some great adventures in the following years : learning to dive in Mauritius, surfing in Newquay and a number of trips to Glastonbury. One year Dave did sterling work looking after me whilst I was suffering from a particularly nasty bout of food poisoning. Of course, when I say “looking after me” what I actually mean is coming by the tent, throwing in some rehydrating solution and saying, “Here you are. You owe me a fiver. I'm off to watch the bands.” Thanks, bud !

It was not long after that when Dave and Michelle met. At a works function if I recall. He was “advising” Michelle on how to solve her current relationship problems. Needless to say, not long after, they started seeing each other.

A couple of years later, they moved in together, which is almost four years ago now. Well done Michelle, that's three years more than I managed before I wanted to kill him.

It wasn't long after that, that Dave decided that Michelle was the girl for him. Quite right too, they're so well suited: Dave does as he's told and Michelle lets him think it was his idea.

Now, despite his brutish exterior Dave is a caring, romantic chap at heart. On telling me he and Michelle were engaged he said “I'm really looking forward to getting married. I can complete my Global Knife collection.” So his thanks to you who purchased those from the wedding list.

Actually, that reminds me : as is often the case, Dave and Michelle were having difficulty with the seating arrangements for today. Being a noble sort, Dave offered to relieve Michelle of the burden and come up with the solution. He devised a simple arrangement, whereby, the more expensive your wedding present, the nearer you sit to top-table. So I hope those of you at the back could hear when he was thanking you for the oven-gloves.

Anyway, back to the night of the proposal. As I said, Dave is a romantic chap with a flair for the big occasion. He arranged a trip to London for the two of them, the highlight of which would be an 8pm “flight” of the London Eye on Bonfire night. This would enable him to pop the question, 135m above London with fireworks exploding all around. A really lovely idea… with just one flaw. Dave had forgotten that Michelle suffers from vertigo and without any champagne to relax her nerves, spent the whole flight cowering in the centre of the carriage trying to remain calm.

Having missed that opportunity, Dave made up for it later when he finally picked an appropriate moment to propose. He presented Michelle with a little silver aeroplane in a velvet Tiffany bag. Not your usual engagement gift I'm sure you'll agree and it left Michelle a little perplexed. However, the next weekend, they flew to New York to chose the engagement ring from Tiffany's on 5th Avenue. Very romantic.

That was 18months ago now and there seemed to be no rush to set a date for the wedding. Come January this year, Dave and Michelle announced that they had set a date, just four months away : today as it happens. I must admit, I was a surprised it was so soon and did wonder why they were planning a wedding at this short notice… I was assured that no, that wasn't the reason.

Having set the date, the most important matter could then be addressed : the Stag Do. As Best Man this would fall to me and as those of you who know me will attest, I'm not the most organised person in the world so the idea of arranging a Stag Do was a little nerve-wracking, however, I'm pleased to say it all went very well.

I know it's not good form to talk about what happened on the Stag Do but there is one little story I'd like to share. :

The first evening we'd booked into a posh restaurant overlooking Fistral beach in Newquay. We'd been there a couple of hours when the party on the next table got up to leave. As they left they asked one of our group what event we were celebrating. They had been debating what sort of occasion would bring nine young, good looking, well dressed, Gin and Tonic drinking chaps like ourselves together. They didn't think we were a Stag Do because we weren't drunk enough but they could not come up with a more plausible reason. They were reassured that we were indeed, Dave's Stag Do and that the drunkenness was a Work In Progress. Satisfied, they then carried on their way wishing the happy couple all the best… whilst motioning to Dave and myself. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I had unwittingly organised a big, gay stag do for my best mate !

It is at this point, Michelle, that I must pass on my personal thanks and gratitude to you for turning up this afternoon. Had you not, and given the lack of unattached bridesmaids I fear Dave would have become desperate and we may have had to have a Civil Partnership here today.

Well, that pretty much wraps things up for me. Dave tells me that after the honeymoon – that delightful part of marriage between “I do” and “You'd better” – he and Michelle are planning to renovate their kitchen. I can only assume that they are intending to do it themselves as he said he has a lot of screwing and banging to look forward to.

Before I finish, there are a couple of late messages that have come in. This first one is addressed to you Dave :

“Thanks for all your kindness and generosity over the past years. Best wishes for the future, hope to see you again soon.” – From the girls at Angels, Spearmint Rhino, Urban Tiger and Legs 11.

This one is addressed to you Michelle from the lads at Dave's Cricket Club. It says :

“Despite our best efforts, we've found Dave to be useless in almost every position, we hope you have better luck.”

It just remains for me to propose a toast and wish you both a long and happy life together, you deserve it.

As you go through life never forget to each day say those three little words that mean so much :

“You're right dear”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the new Mr. and Mrs. Smith.