Speech by Andy Mayer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Mayer
Speech Date: mar 2004
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much Marianna and Dave, for the toast to the bridesmaids and those kind words. I would also like to add my congratulations to Marianna for finding such delightful young ladies to accompany her here today.

It has always been my ambition to talk at an event like this about an upstanding gentleman of impeccable style, charm, charisma, a blistering intellect and a lightening wit. Unfortunately that day is yet to come, as I am here today to say a few words about our groom, Dave.

Before I begin I would like to offer my congratulations to Dave on his speech previous to this one. If my own experience is anything to go by, that will be the only time in his life where he will be speaking for both himself and his wife. I complained to my wife just the other day, that in the two years we have been married we have rarely been able to agree on anything. She replied, “Andy, we've been married for three years.”

I first met Dave nine years ago at Durham (that's Durham university, not Durham prison). We became acquainted on a couple of trips with the college mountaineering club, but the first time I really got to know Dave well was on a visit to the Castle Eden brewery. Over the years that followed Dave and myself have been on many climbing and mountaineering trips together in Europe, Africa and North America, and have always concluded the experience with a pint or three of beer in the pub afterwards.

There was one night, which I think began with a pint or three of beer, where Dave and a couple of friends had been out for a good night in a pub some miles from town. In fact it was such a good night, that after closing time they succumbed to mankind's most base desire, (pause) and went for a kebab. In the excitement, they missed the last bus home, and opted for a long walk rather than pay for an expensive taxi. And so, with nothing to keep them warm save a T-shirt and an extra portion of chilli sauce, they set off on a short cut across the fields. Now, the route as the crow flies from the pub in question to Chorley, was not as straightforward as it first appeared, and soon our heroes were lost and were jumping over hedges and ditches in the dark. After one particularly high fence and in the middle of a field, Dave heard a low rumbling sound behind them. As the sound got louder Dave turned round and could just about discern some large objects moving in the darkness. He turned back to his companions to ask what they thought it was, only to find they had broken into a casual sprint and were heading for the edge of the filed as fast as their wobbly legs would carry them. Dave followed and just before the large objects caught up with them, they were over the high fence and collapsed on the floor. On the other side was a flock of aggressive ostriches, pecking at the fence and kicking viciously at anything that moved. It turns out that there is a large ostrich farm just outside Chorley that nearly got the better of Dave and his mates.

In a way this story sums up the kind of guy that Marianna has just married. The type of evening Dave enjoys goes exactly like that one: A group of close friends go to a good pub and polish off a load of beer together. And on the way home, on an ideal night, there is an unexpected encounter with a couple of very large, rather rough birds, who leave Dave collapsed on the floor, sweating profusely and panting for breath.

Dave has already embarked upon his second career, despite his tender young years. His first was as a chef, a job which saw him working in top-quality restaurants in Switzerland, Scotland and Canada. He's picked up a few valuable skills on the way: I've seen him chop the ingredients of a salad in seconds, and he can bash out a Caesar salad dressing with a few well-practised whisks of the wrist.

Dave also picked up something far more important from his culinary years, for it was while working as a chef in Switzerland that he first met Marianna. It's rather fortunate that Dave fell for a Mexican girl, as he has always been fond of a Mexican barbecue. As for Marianna, it seems her favourite meal is an English dish. At least, Dave tells me that she is very keen on Pork in Cider.

Dave's second career, as a teacher, started when he accepted a job at Giggleswick school in Yorkshire. He quickly got involved with many extra-curricular activities, in particular he found himself coaching the sixth form girls hockey team. When our friend Hugo heard this, he voiced the opinion that, “Putting Dave in charge of the girls hockey team is like putting a shark in charge of a swimming pool.”

Dave also shows a keen interest in culture of all descriptions. He has hidden musical talents and is very keen on having a go on a brass from time to time. No, sorry, that should read: he's keen on having a go on a brass instrument from time to time. He claims that he has never played the rusty trombone, but I'm sure that he would be interested in trying the double bass with Marianna occasionally.

Finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me enormous pleasure to propose a toast:
To the bride and groom – may they live long and happily together.