Speech by Andy Mills

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Mills
Speech Date: oct 2004

On behalf of Amy and Dave, can I thank everyone for coming today, although
from a personal standpoint I really wish you hadn't bothered. I mean, no
offence, but you've turned what could have been a perfectly nice day out for
me into a personal nightmare.

Every book on Best Man Duties tells you at this point in the proceedings
to "Give speech to Bride and Groom". To be honest, I took this to mean the
three of us having a cup of tea and a private chat. Looking round to see so
many of you listening in only goes to show me the lengths people will go to
for a free meal and an all-day bar. But I don't want you to feel as if
you've spoiled things for the three of us, so I'll press on.

I'm here today to talk to you about a very special man……(Look down and
read from page)Mahatma Ghandi, born in 1869, emerged as a charismatic
leader pioneering the technique of…(pause, wait for laugh, hopefully!)…
Sorry, wrong meeting (shuffle papers).

Well, David Mullane could be described as charming, intelligent, inspiring
and entertaining, and perhaps one day he WILL be.

I've known Dave for a number of years, and I think in that time I've come
to understand the abiding passions that drive the man, but Amy has told me
I'm not allowed to mention Man United, pornography, Eastenders or bacon sarnies, so
I had to ditch that bit.

So, first a little history. David Joseph Mullane was born in 1975.
Now, me being such a young, handsome thing, I don't remember or have any
knowledge of these times. All I DO know is that it was the year that Bruce
Springsteen recorded the classic Born to Run, or as it would turn out in
Dave's case, born to run a bit, catch his breath, and then get the bus.

Music fans may be aware that Mr Springsteen wrote this song about wanting
to leave a bleak, run-down, industrial wasteland which crushes the human
spirit and leaves a person feeling hopeless and broken. Around this time,
Dave's family left Manchester. Coincidence?

So, early days. Dave, by all accounts, was a good kid. Considerate and
well-behaved – younger brother Neil even told me there is early documentary
bath-time footage of Dave's painfully rigorous standards of very personal
hygiene – and apparently his first fully-formed sentence was "It's mine and
I'll wash it as fast as I like", words which must fill every mother with
pride.

At school he was an exceptionally gifted (start to read slowly) – and –
popular – student – who – excelled – at – everything – he – did – his –
cherubic – face – endeared (turn to Dave) It's no good, mate, you should
have used the spell check (screw up piece of paper, throw over shoulder).

Actually, I did manage to get my hands on a couple of old school reports.
Second Year Maths: "David has trouble differentiating between inches and
millimetres". Something which I think Amy can sympathise with still. Music:
"David takes a very hands-on approach to music, but I wish he'd concentrate
his efforts on playing with a band rather than with himself".

So, he was an all-round achiever. That was, until the accident. As you may
be aware, tragically, a shotput landed on Dave's head in his early teens,
and the sorry excuse for a man you see before you today is the empty husk
left behind in the aftermath of sporting misadventure and West Country
stupidity.

Amy has already sacrificed so much in her life to live and cope with the
consequences of this tragic accident, and as a tribute to her sterling work,
let me just tell you a little about Dave's condition.

How can I put this?….Dave dribbles. Dave belches.
David breaks wind. He often has trouble making food reach his mouth, and
sometimes struggles to keep it down him. Dave has been known to expose and
relieve himself in public areas, and will make lewd, obscene suggestions to
Amy and other females when agitated and excited. Most importantly, Dave will
complain frequently of a terrible thirst, and should not, under any
circumstances, be denied the refreshment he craves, or else he has the most
terrible temper tantrums, particularly when being dragged around the shops
on a Saturday afternoon.

All in all, David is a handful, and requires 24 hour attention from a
trained nurse, although to give credit to his generosity and big heart, he
has exempted Amy from the nursing qualification provided she wears the
uniform occasionally. So, for all your work, thanks, Amy.

And yet, despite all he has to live with, the enduring man-child smile on
Dave's face is a tribute to the triumph of his spirit. In fact, I find just
looking at Dave always makes you feel better about yourself.

No, it's easy to be cruel about people…so why stop now?

Given Dave's condition, it may seem surprising, even sick to some, that
his family allowed and encouraged him to appear so soon after the accident
on the television quiz Blockbusters. Perhaps it's in bad taste to reveal
that Dave and his quiz partner initially turned up together at the local
branch of the video rental giant of the same name, expecting to answer
questions on natural history and Boutrous Boutros Ghali. After they were
refused a pee (Bob), and directed to Central TV studios, they eventually
walked away with ten pounds between them and a withering, albeit not
un-sympathetic look from quizmaster Bob Holness. Bob has since used the
story to much comedic success in countless after-dinner speeches and
personal appearances. Meanwhile, Dave's family received a visit from the
Social Services and were investigated on charges of unnecessary cruelty to a
person of devolved responsibility.

Miraculously, Dave scraped through to university with 4 A's at A-level,
and this is where I met him. We immediately bonded over a shared love of
fried breakfasts, telly, and typhoo tea. As you might have guessed, we were
known as a right pair of wild stallions.

No, we were both quite naïve about sex when we arrived, but what with me
coming from an all-boys school where we'd been brought up on an education of
cold showers, gladiator movies and suspended geography teachers, I looked up
to Dave as a more experienced and worldly mentor.

This was foolish. I remember once he actually told me that mutual climax
was an insurance company. And Amy reckons he still hasn't improved – she
told him the most important thing in sex is foreplay, so he invited another
couple.

Still, sex is no reason to get married…unless you've lost interest in it.

It was at university that I came to marvel at Dave's automobile know-how –
and his luck with cars has been keeping Swindon scrappies, thieves and
chop-shops in business ever since. This would be funny to me if one of the
things hadn't ruined my day out to Alton Towers on its inaugural run. During
the day, the exhaust fell off, smoke came from the engine, and Dave managed
to have a not insignificant prang on the motorway. Driving back home, I
noticed Dave become strangely silent and watched a stray tear trickle down
one cheek. I know that this touching moment was a result of his guilt at us
only having had 1 and a half hours on the rollercoasters, which only goes to
show again the selflessness of the man.

Still, Dave persevered with cars, and a good job too, otherwise we may not
be here celebrating today. They say marriages are made in heaven – well,
this one was made in Coventry, for it was at university that Dave met the
lovely Amy. Dave was always giving Amy and her housemates lifts around town
in his car and helping them out. So much so, in fact, that Dan, Amy's
brother, reliably informs me Amy referred to him, when he was out of
earshot, as "Dave the Slave". When I told Dave about this, he became very
angry with himself – not because of his humiliating nickname, but rather
because he just couldn't think up any words to rhyme with Amy.

Anyway, things took their course…sorry, that should read, Dave took his
full course that the Doctor gave him, the rash cleared up, and Amy and Dave
were able to embark upon a burgeoning relationship.

And, as in most Barbara Cartland romances, the night of their first kiss
was fuelled by about 4 litres of white star cider between them, and ended
with them rolling around drunkenly in a puddle of beer on the floor of a
West Midlands nightclub.

In love, however, we should always remember the ones left behind. Spare a
thought, then, for the poor lad that Amy had personally invited up from home
for that very evening. Having watched his hopes shot to pieces as the
dashing Dave pulled his woman, he was later forced to sleep on Amy's
draughty landing without cover or love, while Dave cuddled up to his prize.

To make matters worse, three enquiring scientific minds, present in this
room today, decided to perform an experiment on him to find out if it was
true that putting a sleeping man's finger in a bowl of lukewarm water would
make him wet himself. In their tired and emotional state, they struggled to
carry out the experiment successfully or, indeed, quietly, and woke the poor
lad up several times during the night.

Quite what the boy had done to deserve such poor treatment from Amy, we
can't be sure, but we can be grateful, for it means that Dave and Amy went
on from strength to strength. In fact, since meeting Amy, David has been
annoyingly successful in life, leaving uni with a good degree and getting an
excellent job, first in london, and now in New York. And all his
colleagues describe him as a first class banker – although I may have
misheard them.

As you do in banking, David always plays the odds, and so it's no surprise
to me that Dave proposed to Amy on the day he won seventy pounds on the
lottery, as he said he thought his luck was in at the time.

It's also no surprise to me that he proposed in front of the telly. When
people ask me how I think marriage will affect Dave, I find it impossible to
answer. How does the first day of the rest of your life manifest itself for
a man whose experience of reality is the unpleasant pause between Eastenders
and football on Sky Sports?

And now a confession. As you may have guessed, most or all of what I've
just been saying for the last 8 minutes or so is utter rubbish, and is to be
taken about as seriously as Dave's dancing later on.

The truth, of course, is that Dave is the nicest bloke I know. We've had
some great fun and I certainly couldn't have wished to have met a better
friend and next-door neighbour when starting university.

In Amy, he's lucky enough to have met someone who is attractive, very
smart, funny, loving and caring. And it's obvious to me how much in love the
two of you are, so long may you continue to blossom and prosper.

It's traditional for the best man to offer some advice to the groom, but
all I can say is that, looking at you and Amy today, you're already the best
example of a loving and happy couple going, and if you ever need to take
advice from a wastrel such as me, you're on a right wrong-un.

– (Read telegrams / messages)

– So all it remains for me to do is ask you all to charge your glasses and
be upstanding as we toast the new couple, Mr and Mrs Mullane – The Bride and
Groom – "The Bride and Groom".

– Could you please remain standing and join me in a toast to Amy's parents,
who have organised this day to absolute perfection –

– And finally to Dave's parents, whose love and support has made Dave a son
to be proud of –