Speech by Andy Mitchell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Mitchell
Speech Date: Jun2007
INTRODUCTION

Thanks Paul, and from that last comment, it is quite clear that my missionary work down here is far from complete, so you've got me down here for a while yet.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Paul for his kind words and gifts – I'm sure you will all agree the bridesmaids, Emmeline, Lucy, Eleanor, Connie and Natalie all look stunning and have done a great job today, so thank you all.

Likewise Joanna The Matron of Honour, and The Ushers Martin and Allister who have “ushed” well and asked me to say how fetching they also look!!! They are naturally and obviously all outshone by Della, who is undoubtedly a lovely and radiant Bride.

Now is the time for the best man to say a few words and incidentally, this is the 3rd time that I have had the honour to be asked to be a Best Man, the previous two being when I was in my 20s and even 30 odd years on yes hard to believe I know! it is no less nerve-wracking – a bit like making love to the queen, a great honour to be asked, but not something you really would readily choose to do!!

I have been asked to say a few words about Paul but also requested not to say anything controversial, insulting or defamatory about him………… so…… thank you all for coming, and enjoy the rest of your day!

SIT DOWN BRIEFLY

Seriously I am only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat! If I go on too long, Paul said that he would cut it!

However, before I go into the bit about Paul, I'd like to share a little secret with you about something that happened earlier today. Whilst I was researching my Best Man duties, I discovered that there are three key elements to the wedding service. These are as follows:

The Aisle – the longest walk you'll ever take
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1
The Hymn – The celebration of the marriage
I think Della must have read the same book as me because in the church earlier today I'm sure I heard her repeating to herself …… I'll alter him …I'll alter him….I'll alter him!!! [SLOW]
OK now a few inside stories about Paul, Edwin Shipway:
MAIN BIT

As you do, I looked up the meaning of Paul's forenames. Paul was originally a nickname meaning “small” make the joke up here yourselves!, and as St Paul, someone whose first job was to go about persecuting religious orders, not totally dissimilar to Paul's own profession of “Friar Stopping”! …….… Come on, keep up!

And, Edwin, who was a martyred 7th century Northumbrian king, is derived from ead rich or prosperous and wine friend – so let me tell you about my little rich friend!

I've Known Paul for some 30 years now, as he turned from a carrot topped “mod” on a scooter not a Vespa or Lambretta you understand, but one of those you push along with your feet! into….well, what we see

First met him properly when his little Ford Anglia was upside down in Selhurst Road and he asked Mel and I to put it back the right way up! – he said something about a small wet patch on the road!

Shares his birthday with Liza Minnelli, James Taylor and Pete Docherty – searched desperately for the link, but could be something about rubbish singing, which he knows quite a lot about!

One thing you get to know about Paul is his preponderance for short periods of extremely deep sleeping:

– In fact, it's a little known fact that he named his company after this habit, as PSA really means Paul Sleeps Anywhere but obviously only in the resting sense Della!

– Paul taught me the meaning of the Indian word “Pillau” as in “Pillow” Rice as this is a foodstuff in which he has been known to rest his head!

– More recently, on his stag night, he managed to fall asleep during the last act at the Comedy Store – a place where 400 people were laughing and clapping loudly and the place was in uproar – Paul slept on!

– Because of this habit, he has also acquired quite a good knowledge of South Coast railway stations, always in the early hours of the morning – funny that!

In spite of this, Paul believes that he is good at Showing his friends how to do things: A few examples:

– Taking people on a mountaineering course on the steepest, most wind-swepped golf course ever, somewhere in Shropshire – a full set of clubs needed plus a No 2 crampon, No 7 piton and an Ice Axe!

– Showing people how to get across fast running streams, insisting that laying down with cold water up to his armpits was the best way to do it !

– Another one we recall is Paul walking off into the distance and showing us a new peak of Mam Tor the second highest mountain in England as we were going up the one that everyone else had used for years! Unfortunately Paul left us stranded without the map, compass, Mars Bars, water etc

– One of his best bits of instruction however was to teach me how to hop at speed – yes hop!! Only problem was that this was whilst getting into the passenger seat of his car as he drove off! Not just once “I promise I won't do it again” but as many times as he felt he wanted to……! Oh how we laughed!

Many of you here today know how competitive Paul is ….here are a few examples …..…

1. The best at making friends

– In a hostelry in the wilds of Cornwall, when he had challenged the local lads to pool and was reaching over the table, taking a particularly difficult shot, when someone grabbed his private parts from behind saying “how are you doing mate”!
Needless to say this was a case of mistaken identity, but they became lifelong friends and they still exchange Christmas Cards!

2. The best golfer

– He also holds the record for the longest drive from the No 3 tee of a sadly now closed top class local golf course, the New Addington pitch and putt course – where the shot I'm sure ended up on the Addington Palace front door step!

3. Pyrotechnic expert

First time on the “Lads Trip” a number of rather old “lads” going away walking, fishing, golfing and other such pursuits etc, instead of food, petrol, drinks like the rest of us, he brought 㿞 of fireworks which we subsequently let off in the pitch black, rain and wind, when the bonfire had finished and the locals perhaps fortunately, had gone home. Locals asked if our trip was “some sort of experiment”? It probably was, but I can guarantee that the results will never be published!

CONCLUSION

OK, a serious bit now – as I said, I've known Paul for some 30 years and although we first met in previous family circumstances, we became and have remained good friends over the years. I've unblocked soil pipes with him, worked with him at heights, depths and positions I never knew existed and mixed more concrete for him than Lafarge have produced in the last month,

He is fun loving, patient, generous to a fault, a good dad and uncle to his two families and ………bloody annoying at times…………… Paul it is an honour to be your Best Man today mate.

Now traditionally I have to offer Paul some sound advice. So, very simply, here it is:

Remember the best after dinner speech you can make is “You stay there dear, I'll clear them way”

And Della, I can offer you to remember that us men are like fine wines ……., we start out as grapes and it is your job to stamp on us until we mature into something that you would like to have after dinner!

And really finally, a sincere wish from me to you both:

May the best day of the past be the worst day of your future
May you be friends to each other as only lovers can, and may you love each other as only best friends can.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, on the basis that if one hasn't struck oil after 10 minutes, stop boring, all that remains is for me to ask you to be upstanding and join me in wishing Della &amp Paul all happiness, health and prosperity as they enter married life together. So please raise your glasses to the Bride and Groom, DELLA AND PAUL