Speech by Andy Robertson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Robertson
Speech Date: Jul2007
Good afternoon ladies, gentleman, boys and girls, for those of you who don't know me, my name is andy and for those of you that do … well i apologise. My full name is actually ‘andy would-you-like-a-drink’ for those of you who i meet in the bar later, i'd appreciate it if you could use my full name.

I'm actually pretty nervous so you'll have to forgive me if i take the gareth gates approach to public speaking.…

I feel comforted by the fact i have actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience – it was in the local geriatric home – i think it went well as they all pissed themselves.

Before i begin michelle would you place your right hand on the table, simon would you place your left hand on top of michelle's. If you can leave them like that and all will be revealed in good time.

I must say it has been a great honor and a massive inconvenience being simon's best man. I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat… if i go on too long michelle has threatened to cut it.

Fornication sorry for an occasion such as this as i have already said i am terrified about making a speech that was until i found out about the sort of things that i was supposed to say as the best man. I learnt that, up there with the important duties of remembering the weddding rings, making simon get a good nights sleep which i can confirm to you all that last night simon slept like a baby..… That is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times crying for his mummy!

Before i start with simon's character assassination, i would like to thank matthew and the bridesmaids for performing their roles so wonderfully and looking so thoroughtly beautiful and handsome, i would like to thank alan who has been a great help in making sure the day has run as smooth as possible.

I must also say and i'm sure you will all agree michelle looks absolutely stunning oh and simon you don't look bad either.

It has been a fantasic day and a very emotional wedding even the cake was in tiers!

Simon you are so lucky today you will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny and who radiates beauty where ever she goes.

And michelle how lucky you are as well you leave today having gained a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers.

Now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, without them today it would not be the same.
Would you raise your glasses to toast.

The bar staff!!!

Ok on with the assassination
I wouldn't say simon was an ugly baby, but mum only had morning sickness after he was born.

As we know simon has developed into a semi-intelligent guy this was not always the case, he was a slightly slow starter, at playschool he was different from the other 5 year olds he was 11.

I remember one day sitting in pizza hut, when the waiter asked him if he would like his pizza cut into 4 or 8 slices, simon's reply was..… You had better make it 4 because i'll never manage 8.

As a child i spent quite a lot of time in &amp out of hospital after a while simon missed me that much he formed and carried out his plan for us to spend more time together. He shoved a tic-tac right up his nose this worked a treat he was taken into hospital what he didn't realise was that as he was being addmitted i was being discharged.

I recall another time when he would have been about 12 or 13 years old, he took an egg from the fridge tapped it on the side of the cupbroad at which point the egg went everywhere he then took a second egg from the fridge and did the same again. At this point i asked him what hell he thought he was doing to which he replied “where does mum keep her hard boiled eggs.”

He was not always this stupid oh no he got even more stupid with age, he would be around 19 or 20 when prior to a night out with the lads he placed a meal that was to hot into the mircowave on the deforst setting to cool it down.

Ok i think that is enough character assassination
So moving on

On behalf of the bride and groom i would like to thank you all for sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances.

I now have a few cards to read from friends and absent relatives

The first is from the lads at football: we've found simon to be useless in every position. Hope michelle has more luck. Congratulations.

The second is from paul &amp carmel: congratulations on your marriage, sorry we couldn't be there. Please send us a picture of the bride and groom mounted.

And the last one reads:
Dear simon &amp michelle
Good luck &amp best wishes from bill &amp mary farkin and the whole farkin family.

You don't half know some dodgie people you two……

Actually it is an honour to be asked to be a best man as well as terrifying. But simon promises me that if i do a good job i can be the best man at his next wedding!!

Now in case any of you are wondering why i asked simon to place his hand on michelle's, i will tell you now, simon as my final role it is with great pleasure that i have been able to give you the last 10 minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand on michelle.

Ladies and gentleman, it gives me immense relieve to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to simon and michelle, the new mr and mrs robertson.

Live life to the fullest – remember, this is the first day of the rest of your life.

We wish them all the very best for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.

Simon and michelle