Speech by Andy Rooney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Rooney
Speech Date: Jul2003
Introduction

Ladies and Gentlemen for those of you who may not know, my name is Andy and I'm the best man. I'm a complete novice to public speaking as I'm about to prove. Before I go any further on behalf of Jackie and all the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Mick for his kind words and I'd also like to add what a fantastic job they have done today.

Best Man
It's often said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen. It's a great honour but no one wants to do it.

When Mick asked me I panicked, I couldn't think what to say so I blurted out "of course mate. It'd be an honour".

To help me cope I have relied heavily on a book called the best mans checklist which gives me a list of all the things I will need to make things go smoothly. Some of it is quite worrying.

1, Make sure the groom gets a good nights sleep. Well I checked on him last night and can confirm he slept like a baby; he woke up every hour crying for his mother.

2, Bring a chequebook or credit card to pay for things that the groom may have forgotten – mmmmmhh!!

3, Help the groom dress – erhhh!!! Not sure about that either

4, ensure that the groom;

Uses the toilet

Has tied his shoes

Has nothing between his teeth (I think that's meant to say ears)

His trouser fly is done up.

So earlier mate when I was starring at your crotch asking if you'd been to the loo I was just making sure everything was in order…thought I best clarify that.

Up to now things are going much better than expected. I've managed to get him into church which is unusual and sober which is even more unusual.

Character assasination
Now it's tradional for me to give you an insight into the groom as not all of you will know Mick all that well. After this speech you may wish you didn't know him at all. But..I'm not going to stand here and embarrass him. Anyone who's seen his shorts will know he is perfectly capable of doing that all by himself.

Michael ***** (or Mogli…) as he's know to his family, like in The Jungle Book thanks to Alan & Anne for that). We're not exactly sure where the nickname comes from but Mogli used to like to walk about in just his underpants. Claire informs me that around the house Mick likes to do the same. Minus the underpants. Michael ***** was born Tuesday 29th April 1969 the same year as man landed on the moon, (and he's certainly over the moon today) It's also the year of Concorde's maiden flight (and his head is certainly in the clouds today) it's also the year of the first gay man march in New York. And when he woke up this morning he told me he felt like his arse had dropped out.

I'd like to share with you a few recollections from our past that I hope you will find amusing.

We first met age 4 at school; I started about 3 weeks late due to having The Mumps. Mrs kelf, the teacher looked about and told me to sit down next to this lad. Mick. I should have realised something was up by the fact that he was sitting on his own in the corner facing the wall. The class helper Mrs Young handed me a piece of drawing paper and put a silver star in the top corner, to make me feel especially welcome. Anyway this lad turns to me and says "crumple it up and chuck it at her". It was all-downhill at St John Bosco's for me from that point on. On the other hand Mick settled down and became an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects. Sorry.… (Look confused).… Was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.

Age 10 Flamingoland. Enough said!!!!!! But if you want to know the full story, catch me about half ten. My tongue's normally flapping like a barn door by then.

Age 13 breaking my next door neighbours window with one of his trademark free kicks and then shouting "run"!!!!!. Which he did. This wasn't undercover of darkness this was a summer afternoon during the six weeks holidays.

It cost £60 to replace that window. I started the following term with yellow boxing boots from Poundstretcher that cost £2.99, because of that window. I had to get up at the crack of dawn just to tie them.

Age 15 our first drinking session in the Upper Deck, this is also the night that Mick met his first love Stella………..Artois of course.

Age 17 First proper girlfriends. I say proper as in "not inflatable or from the cover of a magazine.".

(Look at Mick)……..By the way I know we were really 19 but I don't want to make us look sad.

Yes since then Mick and me have certainly been through a lot together…….… We were just saying earlier it's a good job none of them have turned up today.

I really could mention dozens of stories but, today isn't about Mick & me and the past. Todays about Mick & Claire and the future.

The Happy Couple
Mick tells me he first spotted Claire through a pair of binoculars. Which apparently is totally true. Now. Some might say that's a worrying way to begin a relationship. However, the binoculars were a novelty toy from Chambers nightclub Christmas party. At least that's what he told the magistrates. Despite this from that day on they have been virtually inseparable.

So what do I know of Claire, well, she never asks for much, spending money is her only real extravagance. Mick told me they had a credit card stolen a while back but he didn't report it because the thief was spending less than Claire. What else. Erhh!! She's a good cook… well maybe not. Not that Claire's a bad cook but she does use the smoke alarm as a timer. Last time she cooked she burnt the tin opener.

No, seriously she looks absolutley fantastic and really beatiful today.

All that remains is the tradional best mans advice.

To Mick
It is important to get on with your mother in law. A friend of mine didn't speak to his for two years. Not because he didn't like her, he just didn't want to interrupt.

To Claire.

Remember men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes but it's your job to stamp on them until they turn into something you'd like to have dinner with.

One final thing, just last week (get newspaper out) I was reading the paper and I came across this advert and it says " for sale, “complete set of Encyclopedias, just got married, wife knows bloody everything”

Read cards/messages

Some genuine ones

Mick,

since you seemed to like it so much…(produce leopard skin bra)

All my love

Natasha

The Empire Club
Prague

Claire,

You could have found out why they call me the big brother

Love

Johnny Reagan

Mick despite this being a terrifying experience I am honoured to be you best man. I truly wish you both every happiness for your future life together as man & wife.

Ladies & Gentlemen, if you would please be upstanding for the new

Mr & Mrs ***** , Michael & Claire, the Bride & Groom.