Speech by Andy Sachrajda

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Sachrajda
Speech Date: jan 2003

Good afternoon everyone. Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids Kate, Megan and Sophie I would like to thank Greg for his kind words. They do indeed look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. I too have managed to get Greg to the church on time, which is unusual for him, sober, which is a major achievement, and looking smart which was previously unheard of, so so far so good.

When Greg asked me to be his best man many months ago, obviously I was very flattered, but then I realised that I would have to get up in front of many people and give a speech and that at some point during it I would probably have to say a few nice things about Greg and I've really had very little experience of either, so please bear with me. To help me with the speech and my role as a best man in general, I did consult a book on the subject and I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:

"Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing Greg will be all of them, so I've taken out a graduate loan…

"Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…

“Ensure that the groom:
uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth and
that his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps mum should have been best man

It also advised me when greeting guests, to pay special attention to unaccompanied women – they're preaching to the converted with that one. And finally as a note to the groom, "The key is to find a best man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems." (To Greg) Always read the small print.

Now Greg was born in 1979, a year in which a number of events occurred that may shed some light on Greg's character. Mother Theresa won the Nobel Peace Prize, which may account for Greg's gentle and unassuming nature. YMCA was the top selling hit of the year, which may explain his unique dancing style, so perfectly depicted on his stag night where rhythm and style were really of very little importance and of which with any luck we shall see further demonstrations later. And the first official British nudist beach was opened in Brighton. Now Greg was clearly very excited by this, I mean he was born ready to go! I think he even wanted to take a couple of the nurses with him.

The first 14 months of my life before Greg was born were peaceful happy ones. I like to refer to this time in my life as "The Golden Era". It gave me time to get my bearings, choose the biggest room etc. It also gave mum and dad just enough time to stock the fridge and the larder before the arrival of El podgo over here. Oh yes, Greg was quite a chubber as a baby – there are many anecdotes in our family that get told now and again, and again, and again – for example how Greg as a toddler snatched some toast from an unsuspecting cousin from the safety of his play pen before retreating with it to the corner. And another how Mum and Gran spent ages looking for Greg only to find him behind the couch eating a tub of margarine. But hey, student life is tough and margarine isn't cheap.

At school, Greg excelled right from the start and he still cites colouring in as one of his key skills on his CV. He was good at nearly all subjects but I think it's quite notable that he never took Geography GCSE. This may explain why when he tried to catch a ferry to Cherbourg in France he and a friend ended up in Le Havre. Mum and Dad were worried when the return ferry from Cherbourg came in without the boys and when they eventually asked Greg why he hadn't phoned them he said it would have cost him a pound. In a way I can see where he's coming from, who'd want to pay a pound to listen to a rollicking? By the way, this childhood friend of Greg's is here with us today but as I'm only supposed to be embarrassing Greg, I'll just say that his name begins with D. And ends in avid Campbell. Table 6.

Further evidence of Greg's fantastic navigational skills was on display when after visiting me at uni in Coventry and happily driving home to Southampton, he suddenly found himself in London. Once again without a pound. And his trilogy of dopiness was completed in Italy where he and Alice hadn't realised that the clocks had gone forward and spent the day missing buses and wondering why the people they were supposed to meet for lunch hadn't showed up. Now I am a bit concerned as, as I'm sure most of you know, these two are off around the world for seven months which will involve dozens of countries, continents, time zones and train timetables written in foreign. I don't expect to see Greg back in England any time soon, unless of course he's trying to get from Lima to Auckland in which case we'll probably see him back in London in no time.

Greg also took part in many extra curricular activities including playing the trombone. Listening to Silent Night being played by a spirited and enthusiastic Greg on the trombone certainly leaves a lasting impression. All certainly wasn't calm and not many of us slept in heavenly peace. He was also a dedicated member of the Polish Dance Group Karpaty who sang so beautifully today. One particular show springs to mind; after dancing in a stuffy hall in Manchester we all needed something to quench our thirst; not all of us used a bottle of vodka for that purpose though and hence not all of us spent the entire evening in the toilets reacquainting ourselves with our lunch.

It was at college that Greg met Alice; Greg had had a couple of girlfriends before, his first being a mathematician's daughter – she was too calculating for him though. But with Alice we could tell straight away that they had something special and after a while that this day was just a matter of time in coming. With Alice being nearly as tall as Greg, this was the first time Greg really ever saw eye to eye with a girl and their love seems to be so pure and simple. Alice so pure and Greg.…

Greg went to university in Oxford of which I don't know too much about but I'm sure if you talk to some of his university friends in the bar later they can probably shed some light on his behaviour between 1998 and 2001, which I gather was extremely ‘out-of-character’.

Which brings us to the present where, providing he does find his way home from travelling, Greg will begin work with a top law firm in London. Greg did extremely well in getting this job as the law industry is very competitive. Which is strange because if you ask anyone at Southampton City Council what kind of employee he is they all say that working with Greg is like working with a God: he's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

At this point I felt as best man and older brother I wanted to give Greg, and Alice, some advice and words of wisdom about married life that they could take away with them. Now not being married I'm not really in a position to do so, so I tried to find other sources. My first thought was to look to my parents; being married for 28 years I thought I might find some clues as to how longevity of a marriage could be achieved. It wasn't until I noticed Dad with his stamp collection and how the older they got the more interest he showed in them that I began to understand.

But it was when I came across this dusty and yellowing book on the shelves at home that I finally found the information I was after. It's entitled "Modern Etiquette" and was written in 1950 and I thought I must share with you all some of the advice they give in the "Family and Everyday Life" section.

Greg:

"Don't get into the habit of taking the home-maker for granted. No doubt you come home tired – but your work is done for the day. Hers isn't, and she has no 5-day week, either."

"It is not always a really sound policy for husband, brother or son to share all the evening chores; but he should offer a hand at least now and then, and always remember small courtesies as opening the door when she is carrying a tray, fetching in coal or other heavy weights…"

"Appreciate what she does for your comfort. Many women who say they feel overworked actually feel under-appreciated and will gladly toil twice as hard for menfolk who notice and praise what they do."

"Ask your wife's or daughter's opinion sometimes on news of the day. You may consider their views valueless, but it is human for them to like to give them."

Alice:

"Running a home is not a particularly clean or tidy job, but pay your husband the compliment of looking as nice as you can as often as you can – do try to greet his return home with smooth hair and a well-groomed appearance. The members of your family have to look at you quite a lot, so make this looking a pleasure. A smile is a great help."

What a book. In all seriousness, my advice to you would be simply to keep doing what you're doing. What you've got is obviously very special; in times where cohabitation, marriages of convenience and pre-nuptial agreements are common, the love and commitment you are showing each other today is truly amazing and long may it continue.

But today has been a great privilege for me and I feel very lucky that I'm not only being best man to my brother but also to one of my closest friends. I know it's a proud day for mum and dad sitting here but I too am very proud of Greg and of the way he has turned out. Being kind hearted, generous, charming, witty – most would even say good looking – I feel over the years I've been a good role model for Greg and he hasn't turned out too bad himself. But today is a good opportunity for me to thank Greg before he disappears off around the world for being a super brother and it has been an absolute honour to serve as your best man today.

So to Greg I say well-done, ten out of ten, in Alice you've found an absolutely smashing girl, beautiful and gracious who, ladies and gentlemen I'm sure you will all agree, looks absolutely stunning today. To Alice I too say ten out of ten – for effort. But to both of you I wish you all the happiness in the world in your life together and may all your troubles be little ones.

At this point, I would like to read a few messages from those who couldn't make it today; I mean if you would have your wedding on FA cup third round day…

(These 3 joke cards thrown in between real ones)

Here's one from the lads at Real Madwig football club: We've found Greg to be useless in every position. Hope Alice has more luck.

Greg your sense of fashion has been an inspiration to me during my pop career. All the best, H from Steps.

All the best Greg on your big day. Will you be needing your usual beach hut again this summer? From all the staff at Brighton Nudist Beach.

On behalf of Greg and Alice, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my throat was dry when I began this speech, it's even drier now and I can think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds. So please fill your glasses and rise to drink a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Sachrajda, Greg and Alice.