Speech by Andy Sidebotham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Sidebotham
Speech Date: May2007
Before starting the one speech that I know you've all been waiting for, I'd like to thank both Jim and Ian – my two support acts.

And I'd also like to propose a toast to the bride's parents Jim and Jennifer, for hosting what so far has been an absolutely fantastic wedding. “Jim and Jennifer”. It can't have been easy watching your only daughter marry someone like Ian.

I would also like to propose a toast to the beautiful bridesmaids Alison &amp Karen outshone only by Christine herself, “The Bridesmaids” you really have done a fantastic job – especially getting Christine to the castle– I understand she put up quite a fight.

Ian could you please put your hand directly on top of Christine's. Does that feel nice? Make the most of it mate because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand.

It is with great pride that I take this role as best man on today, when I first started donating ٠ a month to the albinos with freckles charity a few years ago, I received a photograph and regular updates about Ian, I didn't imagine that I would have the honour of being his best man.

It's great to be involved on the happiest day of Ian's life, as he was involved in mine. That's right, he was there, stood by my side, when Manchester United won the Champions League, a wonderful day.

In all honestly I'm actually a little bit nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I've actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience. – Yep it was in the local geriatric nursing home – and I think it went well – they all pissed themselves anyway.

Where to start? I was going to talk about Ian's old conquests but out of respect for BSE and foot and mouth, I decided against it. Believe it or not, I struggled writing this so, I consulted the internet. After many hours looking at porn I thought I'll have to get some proper work done.

What I did eventually find out was this glorious venue is enriched in history, it was built over 700 years ago and famous visitors include Robert Bruce and King James VI.

In fact, right in the corner of the Keep there's an old underground escape passage that takes you right out of the castle… its true! It's the corner Christine was repeatedly glancing at during the ceremony…

All kidding aside, when I asked Ian what he was looking for in marriage, he said love, happiness and eventually a family. When I asked Christine the same question, she said an intelligent, loving, handsome man – but that she'd happily settle for Ian.

I met Ian at school and he's been a great friend of mine over the last 15 years or so that I've known him. I've watched him grow from a cheeky, pasty, freckly teenager into a cheeky, pasty, freckly adult.

Ian and I didn't always get on – I remember times when I would call Ian ‘ginger’, he would call me ‘big ears’, and we would both run home crying. But sure enough, the next day, Ian would email me from work and we would make up

Now of course he's very successful. Ian's work colleagues invariably described him as a ‘first class banker’, although I may have misheard them since we all know he works in mortgages.

I feel very lucky to have Ian as a friend. He's an exceptional person and is now getting some of the success he thoroughly deserves – not least of which was meeting Christine. I'm sure you'll all agree that she looks absolutely stunning today.

When I first met Christine my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person. But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Ian.

After speaking to Christine for some time I was very surprised to discover that she was a vegetarian. From what Ian told me I thought she absolutely loved Campbell's meatballs… its funny how you can get these things mixed up.

I remember him telling me that he was going to move up to Scotland to move in with Christine. He didn't even have a job at the time but weeks of doing jobs round the flat saw he didn't get bored. In fact they love DIY those two. Married life for them will no doubt start with a lot of banging and screwing.

Just look at them, their love still seems so pure and simple, Christine so pure, Ian so simple.

For those of you expecting outrageous stories about Ian's past, the truth is I was with him for most of them and I wouldn't want to ruin my impeccable reputation.

Ian, I'd like to leave you with this single piece of advice. As an officer of the law I've looked into it. My advice is, always help Christine with jobs around the house. It's in your best interest. Apparently, there has never been one recorded case in history, where a wife has shot her husband, while he was doing the washing up.

So to finish, can I say best of luck to you both I really am absolutely delighted for both of you. I hope you have a long and happy future together. And thank you Ian, it's been an honour to be your best man, this is your finest hour mate.

It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr &amp Mrs Campbell.
To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple. To the Bride and Groom.

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.