Speech by Andy Smith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Smith
Speech Date: 04/06/2010 10:52:09

[Rice]

Thanks Karl, for your kind words, although you might regret them by the time we're finished.

[Smig]

As  you might have gathered we are the best men, and for those of you that don't know us. I'm Andy also known as Smig, I'm Karl's cousin, life long friend and fellow  – Villa supporter

[Rice]

I'm Marc life long friend and torment to Karl. I'm an Everton supporter and love nothing more than to watch Everton beat the Villa. I'm also known as Ricey or Ricycle as Billy (Karl's Dad) likes to call me.

[Rice]

They say that the best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love.  – sit down (that'll be that then)

[Smig]

Apparently its also tradition,  to sing the grooms praises and tell you all about his many good points, Well I'm sorry to say that we cant sing and we are certainly not going to lie to you.

[Rice]

When Karl asked me and Smig to be his best men I decided to look on the internet for inspiration. I found some amazing things… Then I realized I should've been looking for best man stuff.

[Smig]

Following on from Ricey's success on the internet I decide to have a look for myself. The internet gave me some really good creative ideas.

But end result just wasn't practical or easy to read. …..but I have brought it along to show you anyway. (hold up an  A4 copy of the speech with cut out paper men in it)

 [Rice]

But seriously I think everyone will agree with me that Nat looks beautiful today. Everyone here knows that Nat is a true lady. Kind, caring, and generous and really deserves a great husband..… luckily for Karl he got in there before she found one.

[Smig]

As you will all know, Karl is one of the nicest and most sensible guys you are ever likely to meet and it's a privilege for us to be standing here today.

But as I'm sure you can all appreciate, its not been easy to find embarrassing stories about him and especially one's that don't also incriminate me and Ricey

It actually makes a change for the roles to be reversed today because over the years Karl has been spending his Saturday nights looking after me and Marc.

By making sure We were behaving and not getting into any trouble and making sure that we got home safely at the end of the night …….although you might have realized by now  Karl, we cannot guarantee that our good behavior will last all night so enjoy it while you can.

[Rice]

Karl does like a drink and there's even been times when Karl has had one too many. One of those moments was on holiday in Faliraki a few years ago. After a night out drinking Karl was so drunk that when he got back he ended up being sick all over the apartment floor. (It was not a pretty sight!)

With this being such a rare occurrence for Karl I found this highly amusing. While watching this spectacle I couldn't resist giving Karl a few tips on what to do next.… the phrase “get that cleaned up you dirty …..Villa fan” or words to that effect I think were mentioned!

In fact watching Karl attempt to clear up the mess that he'd created as he slipped  across the floor were some of his best moves of the holiday.

 [Smig]

It's not just on holiday where Karl has been known to get drunk, One night when Karl was back from UNI he came out with the lads and got a bit worse for wear but somehow he ended up pulling a girl at the end of the night.

Egged on by the lads and being a man in his prime he went back to the girl's house hoping to get some action, but the only knob he managed to pull off that night was the one on her bedroom door, as he tripped up in the dark and broke the handle clean off.

As you can imagine the girl was less than impressed and sent Karl on his way. The girl has never been seen since so we can only imagine that she is still stuck in the bedroom.

[Rice]

As well as having a few drinks to relax, Karl likes nothing better on a Sunday morning than to sit on his throne (otherwise known as the toilet) and while away the hours while reading through the Sunday papers.

In fact Karl is so addicted to reading while he is on the toilet that he could tell you without fail every single ingredient of Colgate toothpaste, Head & Shoulders shampoo, even down to the ingredients of Billy's Old Spice aftershave. 

[Smig]

 It's also a well known fact that in Karl's early 20’s he used to enjoy his sleep. He enjoyed it that much, that if he wasn't at work you wouldn't see him till at least 2pm.

In fact Karl's sleeping was that bad  that sometimes we had to physically pull him out of bed in order to get him to stand up.

[Rice]

There was also another occasion while on a camping trip that Karl was physically removed from his tent while still in his sleeping bag. In true Karlos fashion he refused to get up and continued to sleep in the blazing sun.

[look at Natalie]

So all we can say Natalie is that it's a good thing that you have waited until now to marry Karl, if it had happened 10 years ago we'd still be waiting another couple of hours for Karl to get himself out of bed!

[Smig]

There is a recent story that I think basically sums up Karl's love for the toilet and his sleeping habits.

On the last night of his Stag do I got back to our room at around 3am expecting to see Karl fast asleep in his bed but instead his bed was stripped of its quilt and Karl was nowhere to be seen. I then heard noises coming from the bathroom….so I listened for a bit (as you do), but after a couple of  minutes of grunting and no response from Karl,  

I decided that I needed to know what was going on so I picked the lock and opened the door ! Now I'm sorry Karl but I feel that it's only right at this point that I share with everyone in the room what I saw.

Can the people with the envelopes please open them now. (A4 picture of Karl asleep next to the toilet wrapped up in his quilt – two per table)

I did considered going the toilet but after 13 hours of drinking I couldn't guarantee that would be able to hit the target. so I left him sleeping

[Smig] *** We turned the following bit into a bit of a game and got everyone in the room guessing the answers, then held the correct answer up on a large card **** 

Now we do have a prize for the next part,  for anyone who can guess the answers correctly.

It's a Holiday for two courtesy of First Choice holidays visiting Las Vegas and Hawaii and it also includes a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon.

I would tell you more,  but we only found the tickets on the car park floor this morning on the way into the hotel, but I think the flight leaves tomorrow.

All the winner will need to do is get the names changed on the tickets.

[Rice]

Karls latest craze is letting off Chinese fire lanterns into to the night sky, he recently let one go from his back garden only to watch it get caught in his neighbors tree! Karl being the honest man that he is ….What did he do next ?

[Rice]  – Is the Answer……….

A)   Ran inside and went to bed.

B)   Ran round his Neighbors house to let them know

C)   Called the fire brigade

[Smig] – The answer is (disappointingly) …….. A) Ran inside and went to bed

[Rice]

Feeling slightly guilty in the morning that he might have burnt his neighbors house down, did Karl do the honorable thing and …

[Rice] Is the Answer…………

 A) Go round his neighbors and apologized for Burning his Tree ?

B) Run outside to check if his Neighbors house had been burnt down ?

C) Check the local news on Teletext to see if an arson attack had been reported to the local police.

[Smig] – The answer is (disappointingly) ….… C) Check the local news on Teletext to see if an arson attack had been reported to the police.

[Smig]

Messages From Friends who could not make it today

(The following were printed in cards, and sealed in envelopes and then opened at the time to make it more authentic)

Dear Karl,

Congratulation on your marriage to Nathalie, You were the only man for me, and therefore it leaves me with no other option but to turn straight.

All my love..… Michael Barrymore

******

Dear Nathalie,

It was nice while it lasted, you really were my honey pot, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now that you're married.

All my love… Winnie the poo

[Rice]  *** TOAST ***

And finally Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Karl and Natalie. We wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage together.

TOAST – To Karl and Natalie