Speech by Andy Ward

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Ward
Speech Date: Jun2007
Ladies and Gentleman, friends and family,

A wise man once told me that a Best Man's speech should last only as long
as it takes the groom to make love………so thank you and good afternoon. . . . . . . . . .

For those of you that don't know me and especially for those that I meet at the bar later,
I'm Andy and I drink Stella. . . . . . For those who do know me, I'll apologise now!

I'm delighted to celebrate with you all today, the marriage of Joe and Kelly.
Thanks for joining us, and from listening to the accents around the room it's quite obvious that some of you have travelled a considerable distance to share today with Joe and Kelly, and I know they appreciate you being here.

I however, am amazed just how far some people will travel for a free meal!

It's my pleasure to respond, on behalf of the bridesmaids, and I thank Joe for his kind words and their gifts. . . . . . . . .I guess my real present must be parked outside?! . . . . .

I have to say that the BARMAIDS look lovely,
erm . . . . I mean the BRIDESMAIDS look lovely,
and they've done an excellent job today.
I'm sure you will all agree that Kelly is looking stunning,
and Joe, well you just look stunned!

I've come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a nanny!

I've had to make sure that Joe arrived on time, that he was sober and that he looked the part. . . . Well 2 out of 3 aint bad! . . . . . . . .

I'm a bit disappointed that you've copied my outfit though!

For those of you that don't know, Joe and I are very close friends, and when he confided in me on the subject of marriage, I said “Why?”

Joe told me that there was no doubt that his love for Kelly exists.
He told me that she's patient, kind hearted and shows great affection for him.

And ultimately, he respects her.
And seeing Joe and Kelly together today symbolises true love.

When Joe first asked me to be his Best Man, I said “Are you crazy?”
But after some reluctance, I realised just how honoured and proud I would be to be his Best Man, so in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Joe the most uncomfortable 15 minutes of his life!

An important Best Man's duty is to offer you all an insight into the character of the groom, so today I thought I would take the opportunity to pay tribute to a man who embodies many positive attributes,

intelligence, . . . . ambition, . . . . tact, . . . . generosity . . . . . . and . . . . . . . integrity.

However its Joe's wedding and it's only fair that I talk about him!

Don't worry my speech won't take too long, because of my throat.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joe has threatened to cut it if I mention ‘owt about Prague!

As you know, a Best Man's speech usually involves a collection of amusing stories about the groom's past, and there are some things that really should not be mentioned, – but I'll mention them anyway!

What about Joe's ex-girlfriends? . . . . . I was warned about keeping his ex's away today, but fortunately foot and mouth got rid of most of them!

I have got to say that I was quite disappointed when Joe met Kelly, I feared I was gonna lose my best mate and a good drinking partner and of course Kelly didn't have any good looking single mates, well at least none with poor taste in blokes!

I hope Joe and Kelly have a nice time when they go to Wales.
I think that's where they are going, ‘cos when I asked Joe what he was gonna do after the wedding, he said he wa going to “BANGOR”!.

The real Joe – Joseph Michael ******* was born on the 7th October 1971,
and I had a quick look on the t'internet to see what other events took place in 1971:

One interesting fact I did discover is that at least 50% of people who get married are women – – – – at least he's not a puff!

So in 1971, what did happen . . . . .

Well, the decimal currency was introduced in the UK and 㿆 million in pennies has been lost on the streets since then, that might just have paid for this wedding!

The Ferrari Daytona went on sale and American astronauts drove on the moon.

Simon &amp Garfunkel won a Grammy for &quotBridge Over Troubled Water&quot and London Bridge moved to Arizona.

The first VCR was launched and the first e-mail was sent.

Nontuplets that's 9 babies were born in Australia and Joe was born in Balby,
. . . . . . . . . . naturally the most stellar event that year!

For those of you that don't know, Joe has had a number of jobs in his time. He left school and did his apprentiship in joinery, then moved onto delivery work and then became an arbiculturist, and it was here that he first realised that “Branch Work” was for him . . . . .
. . . . . . . . I don't know how many people that was wasted on mate!? . . . . . . . .

Well there's no getting away from it, Joe is a hard worker, and at work he's known as God, that's ‘cos if he actually does ‘owt, it's a bloody miracle!

Although I'm not the ideal candidate for dishing out stories or advice,
I do have the following words of wisdom to share with the happy couple.

Firstly, there are 5 tips to the perfect woman: Kelly, I hope your listening!

1 – Its important to have a woman who can keep a good house.
2 – Its important to have a woman that can make you laugh.
3 – Its important to have a woman who you trust.
4 – Its important to have a woman who is good in bed.
5 – Its very, very important that none of these women ever meet each other!

Now it gives me great pleasure to thank some very important people, who with out them today would not have been the same, so in no particular order I'd like to thank the unsung heroes:

All the staff at Mount Pleasant . . . . . .

Kelly's family . . . . . .

Joe's family . . . . . .

The internet for making this speech possible!

And of course Mr MasterCard!

Today we celebrate your love together and everything you have found in each other,
best friends and partners for life.

Days like today should be cherished and treasured and what more could you have asked for, sharing this special day with all of you . . . . . their friends and family.

””Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath””.

So to finish, may I say best of luck.

I hope you have a long and happy future together,

And thank you Joe, it's been an honour to be your Best Man,

I look forward to speaking at your golden wedding in 2057.

It is now my very greatest privilege and honour to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast . . . . . . to Joe and Kelly . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . To Joe and Kelly . . . . . . . . . .

Thank you, and enjoy the rest of the day.