Speech by Andy Wigman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy Wigman
Speech Date: Dec 1998
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Phil for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

Well, it is said that being asked to be the best man is much like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

But, even so, I agreed to be Phil's best man. And so far I managed to get him to the church on time, which is unusual for him. He also arrived relatively sober, which is a major achievement. And he was also looking very smart, which is absolutely unheard of.

So what do we know about Phil?

Well he was born on 1st July 1969, the same year Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Concorde took to the skies.

He'll no doubt be pleased to know he shares his birthday with a couple of gorgeous blondes, namely Pamela Anderson and Debbie Harry. But that is definitely all he'll ever share with them. Although as the years have gone by he does seem to be filling out in certain areas of his body, so he and Pamela probably do have something else in common, they could both fill a DD bra.

Phil and I have know each other for about 12 years now since our late teens. Therefore I didn't know him at school so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education.

Apparently Phil was an exceptionally gifted and very popular student and he tells me he excelled in everything he did, be it sports, academics or the arts. He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster and then successfully attended University where he attained a first class honours degree in rocket science.

This seems to be slightly contradicted by the stories I've heard from Taff who did happen to go to school with Phil. He tells me Phil was a rather obese, annoying little kid who excelled at nothing, was constantly picked on, and regularly beaten up. And this was just by the teachers.

I can't actually remember where I first met Phil, but I think it was probably at the Malt & Hops pub, where a group of us used to meet up before hitting the bars and clubs in town, or going to one of many infamous parties. And there was always one thing you could rely on at these parties, Phil would always beat everybody to be the first person of the night to throw up from drinking too much.

He definitely wasn't renowned for holding his drink in those days, in fact he couldn't even handle a single beer, instead he preferred to drink vodka and orange which as we all know is a woman's drink. But Phil did manage to invent his own cocktail during one drinking game after throwing up in his glass, and then continuing to drink it. I guess vodka and vomit is an acquired taste, but one that he seemed to acquire quite often. I think he eventually preferred it to a vodka and orange.

Back then we used to be out every night of the week, and Phil soon became a great friend to me. But the reason probably wasn't that we had such a lot in common. We both shared the same sick sense of humour for example. Or that we both loved watching sport particularly motor racing. Or even that we both shared the same great dancing skills where rhythm and style are of no importance just plenty of alcohol. (you may see an example of this later this evening)

No, the truth is I couldn't drive when I first met Phil, and as the Malt & Hops was several miles from my house, I was always in need of a lift …..and guess who had a car. Oh well, all great friendships have to start somewhere I guess.

There then followed several years of drinking, throwing up, being blown out by lots of women, more drinking, occasionally getting off with an old dog, more throwing up, a trip to the clinic, more drinking and the odd bar fight which usually meant Phil cowering round the corner while all his mates got thrown out of the bar, his excuse being he was holding the drinks.

Eventually Phil tired of this playboy lifestyle, and decided to set off for Africa to find his fame and fortune, or to put it more simply, to find a woman. But little did he know it was on one of his visits back here that he would find the elusive woman for him.

As Phil mentioned it was Suzie and Heidi who played cupid by setting up Phil and Kirsty on a blind date. Phil waited patiently in the Avon Causeway pub for his blind date to arrive, very patiently as it turned out Kirsty was late for the date. But finally the door opened and into the pub came two dogs, and knowing all of Phil's ex-girlfriends as I do I expect he thought one of the dogs was his date, but as long as he got a shag out of it he wouldn't of minded. Fortunately for him Kirsty followed close behind her two dogs and he could breathe a sigh of relief, the chance of a woman at last!

As you probably know, Phil isn't know for his charm and eloquence and he didn't disappoint that night when he whispered those oh-so-romantic first words to his future wife…."You're late bitch". But Kirsty tried hard to make amends, so-much-so that she even drank halves instead of her usual pints to try to impress him. And luckily for Phil he had moved on from the old days of vodka and orange, and even vodka and vomit to drinking beer, so Kirsty didn't think he was too much of a poof.

Well romance obviously blossomed quickly because Phil had to go back to Africa a couple of weeks after their first date, but Kirsty soon followed him just a fortnight later. That was about 3 and a half years ago, and they've never looked back since.

So I'd just like to say Phil, you are a lucky groom; you've married Kirsty today and she's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one.

Before the final toast I would just like to take this opportunity to share with you my picture of Phil and Kirsty tomorrow morning after the wedding night.
I expect Phil will call down to room service in their hotel and order breakfast for them both. For himself he'll order a full english breakfast with all the extras, and for Kirsty he'll order just a lettuce leaf and a carrot and nothing else.
Room Service will arrive but the waitress will be puzzled by this request and will probably ask him whether Mrs XXXX might want something more substantial than a lettuce leaf and a carrot. To which Phil will reply "It's ok I'm conducting an experiment, to see if she eats like a rabbit as well"

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Phil and Kirsty, the new Mr and Mrs XXXX no less.

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage. Phil and Kirsty…

Finally I've been asked to read a couple of cards from friends and family who unfortunately couldn't be here today. And once I've done that if you don't mind I'm off to ring the Queen Mother to see if she's still free tonight.