Speech by Andy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy
Speech Date: dec 2004
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen……

Thank you all for coming and helping to make this a special occasion for Ryan and Clare.

For those of you who don't know me I am Andy; Ryan's brother, Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Ryan for his kind words. I have to agree that they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today.
I would like to thank Ryan & Clare for turning up on time it must be a first for you both! I would also like to thank Ryan & Clare for inviting us all to share their special day.
Well, they say a best man's speech should last about as long as it takes
him to perform his manly duties in bed…….but as we haven't got all
night I'll be brief.
I looked in one of the guides you get about being a best man, and it had a checklist of things to do. Apparently, before the groom went down the aisle I should have:
Helped him dress – he should really be able to do that himself by now.
Made sure he used the toilet – I sent him in there, but I wasn't going to make sure.
Made sure his face and hair were OK – well I ask you, if God couldn't, what hope did I have?
Made sure there was nothing between his teeth – or was that his ears?
Ensure all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. I am reliably informed that Dolly is out grazing at the moment, blissfully unaware that you are getting married!

There was also advice for the groom about choosing a best man. It said “The key is to find someone who is resourceful, energetic, diplomatic and reliable”. I would just like to say what an excellent judge of character Ryan is.

Ryan made me promise not to tell any embarrassing stories about him, and since it is his wedding, I will do as he wishes.
Therefore I will not tell you of the time when we were kids out shopping in mothercare in Stockport I was probably about 6yrs old & Ryan was about 4 and a half he had lovely curly hair then just like his dads almost!
We were messing about as kids do pretty bored then one of the funniest things I have ever seen happened…… a Pakistani woman came walking towards us holding a dress and made a beeline straight for Ryan when she said towards my mum “Your daughter is about the same age as mine” and held the dress up against Ryan, to my great amusement!!! I have never let him forget that moment. And now after sharing the moment with you all I hope you will also help Ryan to remember it. Just so you all appreciate how good Ryan looks with curly hair my assistant Wes will now hand out the most recent picture of Ryan with curly hair. I will have a drink whilst you all have a good laugh at Ryan's expense…..…
Ryan also made me promise I wouldn't mention the stag do, I could tell you what he got up to on his stag night, but there's only so much you can say in front of his Missus and I wouldn't want to rock the marriage at such an early stage…… Actually, it was a very quiet and sober occasion, and Ryan went home to bed with a cup of tea at 10pm.… quite how he found his way semi-naked, handcuffed and covered in lipstick on the 2.30am train to Edinburgh is a mystery to us all. Although I think Wes definitely had something to do with it.

Lets move on and talk about Ryan at school, I looked at one of his report cards which I must admit looked very impressive at first glance, it read; Ryan was an ideal pupil and excelled in most subjects..… When I looked at it more closely it actually read: Ryan is an idle pupil who is expelled from most subjects.

Let me tell you a few days ago I was talking to Ryan's old P.E teacher from Spurley Hey high school (his secondary school) well; he informed me that Ryan took part in a lot of sports, but was crap in all positions. So Good luck Clare!
On a serious note I was very proud when Ryan asked me to be his best man and I am sure he has made the right decision choosing Clare .… It only took him ten years to ask her to marry him so we know he hasn't rushed into it.… They first met when Ryan left school and started work as a baker at a local shop in Denton; Clare was also working there at the time the rest is history..… Ryan has told me that under no circumstances can I mention what they got caught doing in the storeroom.
Now unfortunately not everybody who was invited was able to make it today but a few people have posted me telegrams to read out…..(put these in separate envelopes and read them out individually)
To Ryan
we could have been so good together
Britney Spears
To Clare
we were so good together
Brad Pitt
From Auntie Mavis
Sorry I can't be at the wedding, but please send me a photo of the happy couple mounted

That concludes my speech ladies and Gentlemen I would just like to ask you to raise your glasses to the bride and groom and wish them all the love, luck and happiness they deserve.

“The Bride & Groom”