Speech by Andy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Andy
Speech Date: sep 2003

Ladies and Gentlemen, Good Afternoon. I'm the best man, and I'm delighted to
welcome you to this special celebration of T and R's marriage.

[Can everyone at the back hear me? Wave if you can hear me. Etc]

You'll find a camera on your table – do feel free to take photos throughout
the evening, and leave the camera on your table at the end of the night.

It's a buffet dinner this evening, and I'm going to ask you to go up one
table at a time to get your main course. Then there's pudding and then
cheese whenever you're ready.

After dinner we'll have a speech from J, the father of the bride, followed
by a speech from T and then my own speech as best man, and then after all
that, if you're still awake, you can have some cake.

So if table 10 would like to go up to the buffet, then we'll get started!

[… dinner, other speeches …]

FORNICATION, Ladies and Gentlemen.

[look down at speech] I'm sorry.

FOR AN OCCASION, Ladies and Gentlemen, as happy and joyous as this one, I'm
honoured to have been asked to be T's best man. No-one was as surprised as
my girlfriend when she discovered I was the "Best" man.

Before I begin, Wandsworth council have asked me to request
that, for health and safety reasons, none of you get up on top of the chairs
and tables during my standing ovation.

I would also like to remind you, that the more you laugh at my jokes the
faster my speech will be delivered.

In fact, I hope you'll indulge me if I picture you all naked for a moment.
It doesn't help with my nerves, but I do find it strangely enjoyable.

First, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank T for his kind words.
I'm sure you'll all agree that they've done a fantastic job today, and they
look absolutely beautiful.

I'd also like to thank everyone for coming here today to celebrate the
wedding of T and R. Some people have travelled a long way to get here, so
again, thank you all.

I must say that R is looking absolutely stunning today. T, you've been lucky
to find such a beautiful bride who is as fun to be with as she is
intelligent and attractive. You're a very lucky man – I think you've won the
lottery jackpot today. R, congratulations, you've won third prize on a
scratchcard.

As you can tell, we have reached that pivotal moment in the speech where I
am meant – in good taste – to put the groom down. So, minus the good taste,
I'll proceed.

I met T in my first week at University – how best to describe him back
then… A high-flier? a hit with the ladies? a sporting legend? T was none
of these things.

It was at college that T discovered the loves of his life… Hi-Fi… oh,
and of course, R. As it turned out R was also interested in Hi-Fi, and T's
told me that romance first blossomed over what he described as (ahem) a set
of "Super Woofers".

It was also at college that T joined the massage society – I'm not quite
sure what type of massage he was hoping to get – he seemed rather
disappointed when it turned out to be back massage.

T also played Lacrosse for the University, and I've spoken to his team-mates
who told me that he was ‘dangerous in every position’ – so R, best of luck
for tonight.

On graduation, T put his years of first class education watching rocks as a
geologist to good use… by becoming an actuary – a job that even
accountants find boring.

I'd like to tell you a little story about the stag night, and T's adventures
dressed as a bunny rabbit.

I'd like to, but unfortunately any public discussion of the stag night has
been banned by T's legal team, until the court case comes up next month.

As I didn't know T until University, I had to ask his family if they knew
any embarrassing stories from his childhood… and I must say, they were
remarkably forthcoming.

They told me about his comfort blanket, called "Nuggly" – made from his
sister's doll's duvet.

They told me about the time he was swimming in a pool of water on the beach,
and suddenly said "Hot Water!". They don't know where the hot water came
from, but they have their suspicions.

They told me about the time that – with his sister's help – he sprayed the
entire garden with weedkiller. And when they confronted him about it, he
said "You shouldn't leave poisonous substances within the reach of children,
it says so on the packet".

And they told me about his naked trampolining. In fact, I was going to bring
in a photo to show you all, but I thought it might be too embarrassing… as
it was only taken last summer.

For some time now T's been saying that he wants to have enough children to
form his own football team – R, I hope you're feeling strong because that's
eleven players… plus the referee… and two linesmen… and the coach…
two substitutes… and the chairman.

Seriously, it's been clear for a while now to those of us who know him well
that T has wanted nothing more than to settle down with R for the rest of
his life. He's a true friend, open, kind-hearted honest and dependable, and
I'm certain he'll be a wonderful husband to R.

So it gives me great pleasure (and immense relief) to ask you to stand and
raise your glasses to the happy couple –

In the years ahead, may you prosper with the health, happiness, love and
affection you so richly deserve – to T and R.