Speech by Anon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Anon
Speech Date: Oct2005
(first of all, a straight shot of Jameson's!)

Hello everyone!

can you all hear me ok at the back ?.…

well in that case can someone please get me another one?.

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Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen.

For those of you who don't know me,

I'm Micks son, Steve.

So firstly, on behalf of Chris and Michael,

I would like to thank everybody for coming..…

especially those who have traveled such long distances,

I know this means a lot to them both. (aimed at Mary)

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I'm sure you'll all agree that it's been a fantastic wedding celebration so far…..…

I must say that I think Chris looks absolutely stunning today.…

and as for Mick, he just looks stunned!

No, Mick looks the part as well (looking puzzled)

although he has copied my Suit.

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Having spoken at length with my dad over the last few months,

it has become apparent to me and others that since he met Chris,

Mick has finally come to understand the true meaning of happiness.…
Mind its a bit late that that now!

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I must say I was a little worried in making this speech today,

until I saw your faces and realised that you are all like me,

Drunk.

for this I'd like to thank Chris and Mick for having their reception ..…

in a bar. (to self)..Yess!

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Moving swiftly on,

the happy couple.

They met across the smoky dance floor of a SkegVegas’ night-club,

& I don't know how much they had to drink that night

but it's obviously not worn off yet.

Chris told me that the first time she saw Mick she thought he was handsome from afar,

but today she has assured me that she thought he was far from handsome.

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Chris, I feel, as the best man,

I need to tell you about the man who you have married.

(pulling out a piece of paper…)

Mick can be best described as a Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, creative man,

thoughtful, intuitive, a great Bodybuilder, a generous lover

and a Per…Per…

what does that say Dad?,

I'm having trouble reading your writing.

———————————————————————–

So Chris and Mick have finally got married,

for better or for worse,

which is quite appropriate as Mick couldn't have done any better

and Chris couldn't have done any worse.

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Actually, during the reception today,

I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself.

I mean 55 years ago .…

Chris's family would have been tucking her up cosily in bed with a dummy…..…

and here they are at it again today.

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Now I know its traditional at this stage

for the best man to go on about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had,

but quite frankly I don't want to go into all that.

I find such macho male talk un-called for and offensive to the bride…

suffice to say though Dad,

(while turning to look at him)

That 73 turned out to be your lucky number!

Fortunately for Mick though, there aren't that many,

due to the foot and mouth outbreak of recent years.…

most have been culled and incinerated.

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Lets not forget, Ladies & Gentlemen,

that today is, of course, Mick & his sister Mary's birthdays (hip hip hoorah!)

(looking at Mary….) You know why his picked today to get married, don't you,

He's only doing this so he can say,

"How many presents did you get this year Mary?

…..Oh I got moooore than that! look! neeer!

Mick and Mary are 56 today, so come on..(sing happy birthday)

Ahh Look at Michael.…

Mind of a 20 year old.

Body of a 30 year old.

Knees of a 70 year old!

I'd ask him to stand up and take a bow but I'm scared he'll just snap!

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Mick actually chose the 1st of October

so that he wouldn't forget his wedding anniversary, which isn't a bad idea..…

But I know your memory, dad, You should have had it on the 2nd or 3rd,

Its no good waking up on you birthday and thinking,

"Birthday, birthday,..…

now there's something else that I should have remembered…."

because by then it will be too late,

and you will be in the bad books and you will have to kip out in your new garage!!

But if you'd had it a day or two later,

then you would have time to sort at least a card out!!

……..2nd or 3rd…….It'll happen!…Up here for thinking!

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With the Olympics, just announced in London in 2012,

We, as a country, have the right to add an event of our choosing,

Now I'm thinking,

If we entered my dad….… into an International Nod-off-athon.…

We really stand a chance of getting a gold!!!

Ready.. Steady, …Nod off! (pretend to fall asleep!)

(Mick says..) "I weren't asleep, I weren't asleep"

By the way, if anyone sees him tonight asleep, catching flies, just give him a nudge,

it's bound to happen, infact, I've already started up a sweepstake,

(Shouts to Richard) How we going on with that Richard?

(Rich) up to £40 quid now Steve!

Pound a go, see Richard!

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I work with my dad at Wolstenholmes,

where his workmates must really like him

cos they do refer to him as God….…

They say he's rarely seen,

Holier than thou,

& it's a bloody miracle when he actually does something!!.

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Before I do the toasts,

it's customary to give a few words of wisdom.

Not being married myself, just yet,

I tried to speak to a few happily married couples,

but they proved impossible to find,

so a few newly married people offered the following advice……

1. "Marriage is very much like going out for dinner with your mates…

first you order what you want,

then you see what the other fellas got and you wish that you'd ordered that instead."

2. "Never swear at your wife when there's a lady present."

3. "Never go to bed angry……always stay up and argue."

One for you Chris…

– if you love something, set it free

– if it comes back – it was and always will be yours

– if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with

– but if it just sits around,

messes up your stuff,

eats your food, uses the telephone,

takes your money and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place….…

then you either married it or gave birth to it.

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I'd like to say a big thank you to everybody who has helped make this

a fantastic day,

To all the staff here at the Niagara who have made such a special effort

in making this reception so lovely,

to Craig and Paula who made such an unique Father of the bride speech.

and to these two for actually turning up!

Finally, I'd like to say that although we're Father and son,

my dads been more like another brother to me,

and it's been my honour being his best man today.

I'd like to thank both Michael and Chris for asking me to be their best man.

Lets just hope neither of them has the need for my services again in
the future, because I'm not doing it, it's too much pressure. Which pub we going in next Steve?

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So to wrap this up,

I'd just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with,

it's about finding someone you can't live without.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times,

and old fashioned enough to last for ever.

Hip Hip…………..!

Hip Hip…………..!

Hip Hip…………..!

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Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like you to raise your glasses

and say a toast…………..…

To the bar staff.