Speech by Anon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Anon
Speech Date: Sep2005
Intro

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and for those who don't know me my name is Lee and I have been given the honour today of being Matt's best man. I hope you are all enjoying the day so far.

To begin with I would like to thank Matt for his kind words and I would like to offer thanks on behalf of the bridesmaid Emma and Daniel for taking care of the rings. And may I also add… have both done a splendid job today.

Last but not least I would like to thank you all on behalf of the bride and groom for being here today and sharing in their special day. I think we all agree that Shell looks like one in a million today, and that Matt looks like he was won in a raffle.

Matt

This brings me onto the main topic of my speech, the bridegroom Matt. I would like to start by saying he made the same schoolboy error that I made three years ago by deciding to announce the date of marriage before the new football fixture list was published, if anyone is unaware we are both Norwich City season ticket holders, as is Matt's Dad, my Dad, my wife and a couple of the guests and on any normal Saturday we would be sitting quietly at Carrow Road. Fortunately for me three years ago Matt pointed out the negatives of visiting Carrow Road instead of the church, as I had to do with him this Morning as we passed the sign saying “Norwich, A Fine City”.

I have known Matt since we were the ages of 3 or 4 and early memories involve playing football and cricket with other kids and sometimes parents on the area of grass between our 2 homes we called the “green” until it got too dark to see and we were hauled in by our parents. Another memory is of browsing through Matt's Mums Practical Photography magazines eyeing up the female form while Sue and Peter would be out in the garden. I'm sure Peter probably had a browse as well when alone.

Other memories involve Norwich City Football Club attending matches and coaching sessions. One memory involved a coaching session at Norwich's old training ground Trowse. This chap wearing this old man style cap took the session; Matt and I kept taking the Mick out of him. When the session ended my Dad told us he was actually one of the first team players called David Williams who we had not recognised. Another time we travelled by coach to an away game at QPR in London. During the journey we would both wave our scarves to people we passed and we wondered why we kept getting funny looks. It was only as we arrived at QPR's ground that Matt realised he had been waving his Norwich City scarf upside down all the way from Norfolk to London.

As we both got older we realised that Scole was an even better place to live as we started to frequent the two local pubs, The Scole Inn and the Scole Crossways. Now stories involving drink are always going to be a bit messy and Peter and my Dad have found this to their cost a few times.

My Dad was the first victim as we travelled home from a Sunday Cricket Match that had taken place in a village called Deopham. The match had ended early so naturally both teams progressed onto the village pub. A lager called Tennents was running a promotion whereby you had to drink something like 10-12 pints to receive a T-shirt. Our cricket team managed to go home with something like 14 T-shirts although admittedly not all were won through drinking as the landlord gave us some to be quiet. My Dad who was driving us home was a bit concerned about the state of Matt and I and asked us to warn him if either of us was going to be ill. We had nearly made it home when we passed the fish and chip shop on Victoria Road in Diss when the following words came out of this chap called Vic who was sitting in the back of the car with Matt. “Terry, I think Matthew is going to be ill”. Too late. Poor Matt was in a bit of a state as my Dad walked him home and spent the next day cleaning out the car.

The next occasion Peter was the victim. It must have been a Friday night and I think Matt had already left home for the pub. Peter must have been playing cricket the next day and was borrowing Matt's cricket whites and had laid them out on Matt's bed. Later that night Matt returned home, the worse for wear and was ill on his bed. The next Morning Peter went to fetch the cricket whites only to find they were not suitable for cricket any more.

Also, I feel I have to bring to the attention of Shell's Dad Martin a story about his Son-in-law that he might find shocking. One night at Matt's home when Peter and Sue were out we decided to attack a four pack of Guinness we found in Peter's drink cabinet. Matt did not take to the taste and promptly walked out of the back door and tipped the contents of the can into the garden.

Stag Night / Weekend

First, Matt was taken away on a stag weekend to Bournemouth with some friends he plays golf with. I'm not sure if they played much golf but upon returning home he revealed a new streamlined facial appearance to his family and friends as he returned home without his eyebrows.

The Stag Night in Norwich turned into a stag Afternoon / Evening as the stag showed his great display of stamina in having to be held up by Peter and Martin by 10pm, so Shell beware if you want any action tonight you had better take Matt away after this speech has finished.

Now I could go on forever telling you about more stories involving Matt, in his single days there are his attempts at cooking upon returning home from a night at the pub, his appearance on the front page of local newspapers following a Ipswich / Norwich derby match and his attempt at ordering a cheeseburger at a Norwich City away game at Sheffield United, but I would like to leave time to pass on a little bit of advice to Matt from an experienced married man to a newly married one:

Matt,

When I first got married some people told me that marriages are made in heaven while others believe like cardinal marriage is the greatest show of love, well I have found that marriage is not just a word it is a sentence; a life sentence.
There are five rings involved in marriage, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the enduring, the torturing and the suffering.
And most importantly, as I have found, always tell your wife those three important little words “you're right love”.

Toast

Finally, could I please ask you all to stand and raise your glasses to join me in a toast to wish Matt and Michelle many more happy years together! To the happy couple, the new Mr & Mrs Auckland, Matt and Michelle!