Speech by Anon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Anon
Speech Date: Mar2003
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm the best man – I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of a problem with my throat; …if I go on too long *thebride* has threatened to cut it.

Actually it is a great honour to be asked to stand beside my best friend on the day of his wedding, Though to tell you the truth I thought he was going to hire actors shorter than he is so that he would look taller in the photo's. As it turned out he tried too but the smurfs were booked for a mardi gras in Thai land, Atom ant was in rehab, and they couldn‘t find anyone else shorter than mike… So the honour fell with me and I feel I have succeeded in my two most important tasks, first we had a great stag do and second we got Mike to the church, sober, on time, and eventually married.

And what a beautiful bride he married. The former Miss xxxxxxx xxxxx now Mrs. Xxxxxx xxxxx whose breathtaking beauty is matched only by the great person that she is. She is a fantastic girl that is bright, passionate, and loves to smile. She deserves a really great husband. Mike's just lucky he married her before she found one.

Mike was born back in 1978, which funnily enough was the year the smurfs first appeared on television, which may perhaps explain Mikes life long obsession with Smurfette. [sigh ] aaaah the one that got away. Moving right along… 1978 is also interesting because according to the Chinese zodiac this makes mike a horse, but I think you'll agree he's more like a Shetland pony. Hence his nickname – “The Sione Pony”

I didn't know The Sione Pony when he was a young boy but I have it on good authority that his desire to impress the girls started at quite a young age. While at Kindergarten he was constantly trying to impress them with his impersonation of the incredible Hulk and his amazing ability to devour the kindergartens entire supply of play dough in one sitting.

I met Mike at school when he was a bit older but not much more mature. We went to college together and in his teenage years he thought he was a real ladies man. He was always telling us about some new girlfriend he had and the slick lines he had used to woo her.

But no one ever met these mysterious girls and they always seemed to be on holiday from overseas or attending a school no one had heard of.

However when we did see mike in the company of some girl he liked no one ever heard these slick lines he bragged about…but to be fair it wasn't necessarily because he didn't have any, it was just that his mouth was crammed full of play dough and he was doing this –insert Incredible Hulk impersonation–

But it must have worked at some stage because he did get a girlfriend. I remember she was a nine and a half ft tall burnette. with all the attributes a man could want…broad shoulders and a hairy chest. It didn't last long though not because she kept accidentally stepping on mike, which she did, but because she found out he was afraid of spiders, horses, and kiwifruit.

Nearly five feet tall and scared of a spider. How sad is that.

So suddenly his incredible hulk impersonation wasn't so convincing. And The Sione Pony was back to talking about girls no one would ever meet.

Until he Rebecca walked into his life.

That would have been about five years ago now and what great couple they make, both are passionate about life and their love for each other.

I would, at this time, like to ask Rebecca and Michael to participate in an old wedding ritual of the hands.
Rebecca, I need you to place your **** hand flat on the table between yourself and mike… good and now Mike, if you could place your **** hand directly on top of Rebecca's hand…

Now Mike, I hope that you are enjoying that,
because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand

Before I propose a toast to the bride and groom I have some messages I would like to read out

[read messages}

To Mike, We could have been so good together, love smurfette.

[Some others.]

[Then..]

Ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses in a toast to the bride and groom

Here's to love, laughter,

and happily ever after

As Michael and Rebecca start their new life

Here's to the groom and his beautiful wife.