Speech by Anon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Anon
Speech Date: Oct2005
Good afternoon, ladies and jellyspoons. For those that don't know me my name is Nick. Welcome to today's wedding and I'm sure you'll all agree that today has been a wonderful day so far for everyone. If I now do my job properly it will ensure that the day continues in that vain. Whether Phil will agree with me – only time will tell.

To start off today I must say that I think Kate looks absolutely stunning and as for Phil he just looks stunned!

Now the bridesmaids. I must say that they all have done an excellent job today and are looking beautiful. I suppose I should congratulate the ushers Matt &amp John – who are apparently both head usher – on their fantastic ushering.

I have been friends with Phil for nearly 20 years now. I suppose that if anyone is qualified to tell you all about him, confirming what a wonderful chap he is and waxing lyrical about his love of animals and charity work then that's me. I should be able to convince Kate's parents that he will be the best son@in@law they could have hoped for. The life and soul of all future family parties. Engrossing them all with his witty stories as chestnuts are roast on the open fire.

Oh dear. This is going to be a struggle.

I first met Phil aged about 10. He had a nice big afro of ginger hair and had a habit of wearing luminous yellow and green odd socks. He was a quiet boy at school, worked hard when he was interested in something.

He was interested in lunchtimes, though admittedly vegetables weren't his strong point. That said, you've done very well today, a clean plate! Anyway, back in the days meat and three meats would be Phil's idea of a nice balanced meal. So I suppose it was always destined that he would end up with Kate Veal.

From a fairly early age he was messing around with computers, making programs for this and that. At the end of out final year of senior school we were all waiting for our exam marks to come out. A few of our friends were a little pensive about how they'd done so Phil sent a letter to one of them which arrived the day before.

It was addressed from Barnsley Job Centre and went something like this:

”Dear Andrew,

Now that you have failed all your GCSEs you will stand little chance of getting into college or getting a job………”

Now isn't that the sort of friend you want.

When we went to Sixth form Phil's practical jokes started to escalate. He enjoyed iconic status in the sixth form common room when he found out – exactly how is beyond me – that his garage door key from home locked the smoker's room door. Picture this, every break time 20@30 students would wonder in for a cigarette. When the coast was clear Phil would lock the door and await the fireworks as they tried to get out at the end of the break. This went on for days.

It didn't stop there though. This was the age of driving tests and 17 year olds getting their freedom. One lad had taken all his lessons and the waiting list was about 3 months for a test and two weeks before received a letter from the DVLA which read something like this:

“Dear Andrew, @ that's right same chap as before

I thank you for your recent application for your driving test which was due to go ahead on 15 March. I am sorry to advise that your test will have to be cancelled as the driving examiner has booked a two week holiday in Ibiza off Teletext and is no longer available. I am sure you will agree this is unfortunate and in view of the administration costs, should you wish to re@enter for your test, please forward the full 㿓 fee.”

Andrew and his mum spent some time on the phone to the DVLA Swansea before they realised what had happened there.

He passed his A@levels and moved onto the University of Central Lancashire in Preston which was to be a sound move. At least it was for those of us who wanted to come to the wedding as it is where he met his bride to be.

From what I've been told it wasn't all skipping happily, hand in hand, through the meadows, gazing into each other's eyes. I have it on good authority that the night that Kate first met Phil he passed out asleep on her shoulder. Wasn't that a sign of things to come.

His practical joking moved onto more subtle level given his status as a university undergraduate. Every year the university electricians would test all electronic equipment in the halls to check if they were safe. If something failed a big sticker saying “UCL electricians test – FAILED – do not use”. Phil thought there was no reason to leave that on the microwave and stuck it on his friends stereo. It was over a week before Phil pointed out to Mark that his stereo hadn't actually been condemned and he could start using it again.

As the romance blossomed so did Phil's confidence. Like Billy Elliott, growing up in mining town like Barnsley, dancing wasn't really a bloke's thing. Amongst the university crowd he could let his hair down and you may not be aware but he started experimenting with contemporary dance.

I know some of Phil's dancing has become infamous and wondered if any of you would like to see a bit of it now????

Phil would you care to take the floor – cue music.

A round of applause for Phil.

Now those of you that have had Phil round to stay will know that he is very much the perfect houseguest and very little trouble. However, not everyone's experience is uneventful. During the latter stages of university he went down to visit Mike &amp Pete in Salisbury. He was staying at Pete's mum's house and was the consummate guest. He was polite, took his shoes off, thanked his mother for letting him stay. So far so good. They went out that evening and came back quite late. Phil was a little tired and nipped off to the toilet just before he went to bed. Quite a normal evening you might think. In the morning Pete had been woken early by a startled mother. She was concerned that Phil, being a northerner, that he was not acquainted with the difference between a toilet and a bidet. The main difference for Phil was that a bidet doesn't flush very well. I know you've all been eating so I won't go any further apart from to say that a garden trowel was involved and if you put 1 and 1 together you'll get the idea.

Following university he started work in the sort of real world at Wakefield market. Any job which has a designated “kipping cupboard” must rank high on the stress levels.

His jokes followed him there. He sent his colleague a fake speeding fine which he dutifully paid sending me, temporarily promoted to Commander Errington, the cheque payable to WY Police. I returned the chq advising him to keep his eyes peeled for confidence tricksters in his area.

Keen computer programmer @ progressed from Wakefield Market down south to DST where he was paid for what he like to do all day @ mostly nothing.

It wasn't until his career took off down in Woking that his most famous attribute became apparent.

He pulled a famous disappearing trick at his first DST Christmas party in
central London. Having promised Kate he'd be home on the last train, he
took a fill of the devil drink and was convinced, with little difficulty, to stay on at the party and stay at a friends. The company had arranged coaches back to Surbiton and his bed for the night was only across the road. No problems there then. The end of the night arrives but Phil is nowhere to be seen. Eventually someone else says that he has already got on a bus and will meet me in Surbiton. I get there but, surprise surprise, no Phil. Phil had decided to go for a walk but came back in the early hours of the morning to find that we had all left and he had no way to get home. No problem, thinks Phil, I'll head off to the train station. Except this is nearly 3 in the morning and Phil is still donning his dinner suit. He went to Euston station and quickly realised trains don't go to Woking from there. He wondered all around central London, slowly sobering up, trying to find a way home. He ended up having to sleep in his tuxedo and all until the tubes started around 5am and then work his way to Woking.

He was a regular in the Friday after work beers and even more regular in
the South West Trains After@Work@Beers Sleepover Club. He got the
train from Surbiton in the direction of Woking, about 10 minutes down
the line, but did not always arrive there. Or, more accurately, arrived
there but did not necessarily disembark. Instead he enjoyed falling
asleep and waking up in Basingstoke, Southampton and other random
destinations. This not only caused embarrassment but financial pain as
he was usually forced to fork out for a taxi. I believe his record taxi journey home is 㿭 but its hard to keep up with him. I say usually caused financial pain since there was at least one occasion when he called Kate and asked to
be picked up. No problem says Kate, where are you. Not really sure says Phil and promptly told Kate the street he was on and asked her to look in the AtoZ. Only just in Surrey at the time so another stop and she wouldn't have been able to find him.

It also caused him physical pain once when he woke up in the train yard and could not get out. Phil had to do his best Steve McQueen and escape over the wire while the spotlights and watchtower were looking the other way.

Stag Do

Wrowclaw In Poland – I know what you're thnking – where the hell is that? Its in Southern Poland and it sells cheap beer. You should be able to understand from that description as why we chose to go there. Phil's performance was exemplary. He ate a whole tomato, which if you know Phil, that is no mean feat. He drank beef flavoured vodka, a drink that doesn't appear to have crossed Europe to these shores – I wonder why. On the main night dressed as a 70s Polish football ace he tore up the dance floors wherever he went.

PHOTO

My personal favourite was watching him doing pretend keepie ups to the astonishment of the locals.

It hard to say what the highlight was for Phil? I must say he really enjoyed the end of the night when we saw the locals pole dancing. Sorry, the locals polish dancing, I mean POLISH dancing. Apologies for that.

No what goes on tour stays on tour – but I have to say that Phil was very well behaved @ Grant, James your secrets are safe with me.

So Phil and Kate have finally got married, for better or for worse, which
is quite appropriate as Phil couldn't have done any better and Kate couldn't have done any worse.

I have to say that I'm proud to be your friend and that you have sat through that without threatening physical violence. This has been a great honour to be your best man and for that, thank you.

All that is required of me now is to thank you all for your undoubted patience and toast the happy couple.

I wish you both all the happiness that marriage can bring.

The bride and groom.