Speech by Anthony Fletcher, Ian Read

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Anthony Fletcher, Ian Read
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Speech for the Wedding of John Sharp to Emma Fisher.

Good afternoon everybody can you hear me at the back? I must admit that Ian and I are very nervous, so to make us feel better, we are imagining that you are all naked. [laughs]

Now despite this wedding having been meticulously planned, our formal request for an autocue was denied. We will therefore be consulting our notes as we go, so please bear with us.

[Ron produces Jiffy bag stuffed with paper]

You may have wondered why John has two best men? Well basically me and Ian will talk to just about anybody when we have had a few, so we seemed the obvious choice, although it is like being asked to make love to the queen mother, it is a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

For my part of the speech, I wrote what I wanted to say but unfortunately Emma has censored it, Here's what's left . . .

{Ian produces an A4 sheet full of holes]

John has pestered myself and Ian as to the content of this speech for a long time, he has some idea in his mind that we are going to be a comedy act like Morecambe and wise, so we would appreciate a little audience participation, even if your laughter is only being polite.

Today I'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to a man who embodies many positive attributes: Intelligence, ambition, tact, generosity, and integrity. However, as it's John's wedding it's only fair that I talk about him instead!!! [laughter]

But seriously, we've been friends for many years. Throughout this time, John and I have been involved in some memorable moments. Fortunately most of them have been good times, although there have been some worrying times too. I clearly remember when we were sitting our GCSEs, everybody was obviously very nervous, and it is at times like these that you need a friend. John was brilliant in these situations, because however nervous you were feeling, you could guarantee that John was feeling worse [laughter]. When everybody was white with fear, John was always bordering on ultra-violet. I have to say though that today, John has been pretty impressive. Good old prozac!!! [laughter]

What can I say about John? To be honest I wouldn't dare say a lot of things that would get him in trouble with his new wife, well not on his wedding day anyway, most of them involve getting very drunk. Only a couple of weeks ago we had a little get together to plan the stag do, as always we ended up getting drunk and John was later found by George fast asleep on the toilet. He had fallen asleep shortly after being sick. Unfortunately for George, John had been careful not to make a mess of the toilet, and thoughtfully used the carpet instead! [laughter]

John was born in 1975 a great year the same year as myself, the year that also bought us ………

My earliest memory of John is when we were about 5 years old; John and I were down the bottom of my parents garden just mucking about, when all of a sudden I heard a scream. John had managed to stand on a piece of wood with a nail sticking out of it I do not recall if it went through his foot, but I do remember him running off home with a trail of blood following him. Once he was home Margaret was able to give him his Dummy to calm him down until George arrived to take John to the hospital for a tetanus jab.

Not to fear though, as John soon got his own back. We decided we would make a tree house in the apple tree that is in John's parent's back garden. As very young lads we had absolutely no idea of the concepts of support that such a contraption would need. John managed to gather up some of Margaret's sheets and some sellotape to hold it all together. After much toiling it was time to test it John gave me the honour. Much to our surprise though I came tumbling down and the tree house soon followed. At least I did not need a tetanus jab!!!

This may be hard for many of you to believe, but John was actually a shy young man until the time that he went to University. At school he was a diligent student, who worked hard and said very little. Many of the girls at school described John as “cute”, due to his angelic appearance. He used to tell me how much he hated this, but however much he may try to forget, he will always be Sarah Thorpe's “Little Chicken”. [laughter] [groom blushes]

When we went to college we often used to spend a lot of time in a club called the “Irish” and many hours were lost as we all tried to find our limits with alcohol. Fortunately for both John and Myself, Anthony could drink like a fish, and always ensured that both of us got home. Rock City was also a favourite, especially on Thursday nights. Many a Friday morning lecture was missed as a result. We have always tried to have fun without getting into trouble, although one evening we were nearly arrested for taking a road sign home with us; we must have carried it for nearly 2 miles when we were stopped by the police.

The Stag Do

John's stag weekend took place in Amsterdam about three weeks ago. Obviously as one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Europe, Amsterdam was full of culture and heritage. However, we didn't see any of it! The first evening consisted of a strange mix of beer and bananas. Nobody is entirely sure how they got back to the hotel that evening, but importantly everybody did.

On Saturday, all was going well until John's new brother inlaw Mr Stubley discovered that he had been robbed the evening before, losing all of his credit cards. After many calls to his wife and the banks in England, he subsequently found them in his trousers that he wore the previous evening. [laughter] John spent most of the day dressed as a sailor with a pair of antlers to suit, (could you please open envelope number 1. John also had to wear many other articles of clothing we happened to come across in the streets of Amsterdam. For health reasons though, we left most of them in Holland, but one item did come back with us. [Anthony walks around behind John and plants the Chinese hat on his head].

One story that I can tell you all about is when we were trying to get into a club in Amsterdam. Escape is a pretty trendy club in the city centre. When you are out in a big group of fellas, the usual tactic is to find some young ladies to enter the club with you, so that the doormen don't worry as much. I got talking to a young lady at the back of the queue, explaining that a group of 13 guys would struggle to get in. I asked her if her and her and her friends would mind accompanying us into the club. She had a quick look around and then told me that she wouldn't help us as we might harm her own chances of getting in. “Why would we” I asked, surprised at her reaction. “Well look at him” she said, “he's got a pair of pants on over his trousers”. I looked around and there was John strutting up and down with a pair of ladies briefs over his trousers!!!! For good measure he had also tucked his shirt into them!!! Nobody will be surprised to hear that we didn't get in. To help you visualise this disturbing image please open envelope number 2.

It was also on this evening that we first saw John's violent streak. He did spend long periods trying to get into a fight with any body over 6’4”. So if there is any one here today who is particularly large, you might just want to avoid John later on!!! [laughter]

But in all seriousness though, we personally would like to thank Mo and Tony for looking after John since his move down south, and teaching John how to hoover, cook and wash the pots is a thing which I personally thought John would never ever do. Both John and Emma's parents have been brilliant to both of us over the past few years, and we would like to take this opportunity to say thank you all four of them.

Anthony and I would also like to thank the new Mr and Mrs Sharp for asking us to play an important part in their special day. In the traditional way we'd appreciate it if you would be all upstanding, and join us in a toast.

{wait until everyone is quiet, standing up, and holding a glass}

To Emma and John