Speech by Aron Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Aron Johnson
Speech Date: Dec2006
Ladies and Gentlemen,

For those who don't know me, my name is Aron, soon to be ex-best friend of Rob. It's an honour to share this duty of best man with Rob's older brother and former torturer Andy.

I'd like to begin by saying it's good to see people from Manchester and Liverpool in one room without a fight breaking out.

When I realised I had to write and make a speech and that it's traditionally supposed to be the highlight of the evening I must admit the thought didn't fill me with confidence so I substituted confidence with booze, lots and lots of booze and found this speech very funny when I was very drunk. So I hope you lot took full advantage of the free bar.

I struggled writing this so I consulted the internet. After many hours looking at porn I thought I'll have to get some proper work done. For instance did you know Rob shares his birthday September the 5th with some famous people. For instance Queen's late front man Freddie Mercury. Poor Freddie would probably spin in his grave if he ever heard Rob's rendition of ‘Crazy little thing called love’ This was often sung by him as we slowly sobered up while working on a Sunday morning at Asda.

I've known Rob since we were kids, we went to the same high school. Rob always looked older than his years and this worked to our groups advantage in our early teens when Rob would go into the off-licence put on his best grown-up voice and buy us fresher faced ones some beers, this started his love affair with alcohol.

While at high school Rob received the honour of being the schools Head Boy, due to him giving the impression of being responsible. He didn't let the accolade go to his head and after a while he stopped making us call him ‘Master’.

Now that we're grown up I'd like to say Rob is a responsible drinker, good with money and kind to animals, but I can't, he once boasted that he managed to drink his overdraft and solved his student house mouse problem with the aid of a frying pan.

Now traditionally I'm supposed to talk about the Stag do which as some of you may know was in Tallinn, Estonia.

Would you like to hear some stories?

wait for the ‘YES’

Okay, for a start the temperature over there barely got over zero, but some of us still managed to get our kit off and play in a park in the snow. I won't mention any names.

The food over there was fantastic, we tried some of their local delicacies such as Deer, Wild Boar, Moose Vindaloo and fried pigs ears. MMMMMMMM

While over there Rob missed Nic terribly you lot are supposed to say ‘AWWW’ but with modern technology no matter where you are in the world you are never more than a text message away. When we got in from one of our all day drinking sessions he would try and send Nic some literary classics.

I shall quote you some:

I jove vou

And

Pqtv wyxs tyui gujkbjk fgjfgfg

Which is basically the bottom 3 keys of the phone fumbled over.

These classic messages of love never made it to Nic as he would fall into a drink induced coma as soon as his head hit the pillow. The only reason these pearls didn't fall into obscurity is that we checked his phone the next day!

I'd like to tell you about the strip clubs, but due to the laws of decency and children being present I can't, and if there are no children present, we brought some just in case!

Another thing about this Stag party is it's the only one I know that got a mention on Radio 1 and before you think it, it wasn't on the news section either.

But I can tell you this, we all had a great time in Tallinn and I'm sure Tallinn will remember us!

I must admit Rob I've held back on completely ripping your credibility to shreds in the hope you won't take too much revenge when you're my Best man in 6 months.

One thing I can defiantly say about Rob is he's never let me down. One time a few years ago on New Years Eve I suffered some problems and Rob invited me to his Mum and Dads to celebrate the evening with them. Even though he was recovering from Pneumonia he still made time to cheer me up and I had a fantastic time with him and his family. I'll never forget that.

Right, soppy stuff out of the way……..I'll now move onto Nic, don't worry! I won't embarrass you now, I'll have a few more drinks first.

Seriously, I've not a bad word to say about Nic, she's a great friend and the best thing that could have ever happened to Rob. They compliment and complete each other.

I think everyone agrees with me when I say that Nic, you look absolutely stunning today and your beautiful bridesmaids look wonderful too and they've really looked after you today.

Rob………you look alright.

I'd like to tell you the story of how these two met. It's a tale of friendship, passion and freshly made food,

It was written in the stars or possibly an Asda application form that these two lovers would meet. Just imagine the raw electricity between the two fresh food counters as Nic seductively places the fresh pieces of pepperoni on a thin and crispy pizza gazing lovingly at her Rob, her knight in greasy apron as he braves the heat on the cooked chickens counter, A heat which cannot compare to his fiery passion for his personal pizza topper.

Jilly Cooper eat your heart out!

But that is how it happened, the two started off as work colleagues, became great friends and over the years it finally blossomed into a fantastic relationship.

When these two told me they were getting married today on December the 23rd I thought that's a great idea, not because they were finally getting married it was because first you get your wedding presents then 2 days later you get another load of gifts on Christmas Day, genius!

So here we are now, Rob and Nic have finally got married, for better or worse, which is quite appropriate as Rob couldn't have done any better and Nic couldn't have done any worse.

Look at Watch!

Right, I think I'd better wrap it up now. They say the best man's speech should last as long a the Groom takes to make love. So really I should have finished 5 minutes ago.

I'll end with a confession I must admit this isn't the first toast I've made today. I overdid that one at breakfast. Hopefully I haven't over done this!

So it gives me great pleasure to say can you please to be upstanding and raise your glasses.

To the bride and groom- May the best of your past be the worst of your future.

To Rob and Nic