Speech by Arun Mahendra

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Arun Mahendra
Speech Date: Jul 2001
When <Groom> first called to ask me to be his best man, organise a stag night, get him to the church on time and say a few nice things about him I
felt honoured but suggested he might be better off with someone else.

Then he offered me £20…I said "I was a man that can't be bought"… Then he offered me £40

Ladies and Gentlemen,

For those of you that don't know me yet, I'm the best man and my name is
Arun "Fancy a Drink" so say hello later and don't hesitate to use my full
name.

Firstly I would like to say a few thank yous

On behalf of the lovely bridesmaids, <xxxxx> and <xxxxx>, I would like to
thank <Groom> for his kind and warm-hearted words. It really has been a
great honour for us to play a small part in your and <Bride>’s big day. I'm
sure you'll all agree that the girls look stunning and did a great job of
getting <Bride> to the church this afternoon.

I would also like to thank you all on behalf of <Groom> and <Bride> for
sharing their wedding day. Particularly family and friends that have
travelled long distances to be here today.

Finally I would like to thank <Groom> for asking me to be his best man …
and this lovely £40 watch.

As for the happy couple, I'm sure you'll agree <Bride> is looking radiant
today and in such a fabulous dress.

<Groom>, you scrubbed up nicely too. Surprising what a flannel and a bar of
soap can do. However I think it was a bit of a cheek to copy my outfit.

And what a charming church it was. I don't think you could have chosen a
better setting, or such an entertaining priest. I was chatting to Father
<xxxx> before the wedding and I asked him of his thoughts about sex before
marriage.… He said he had no problems whatsoever, provided it didn't hold
up the ceremony.

Well, my task today is to give you an insight into <Groom>.

On 8th April 1970 ,Groom> was born into this world. That makes <Groom>’s
star sign: Aries – the Ram.

Now, a little reading up of the star charts reveals the young Ram to be
adventurous, ambitious and enthusiastic..… but there is also a dark side
…
they can be foolhardy, daredevil and quick tempered.

In the early years, the dark side was strong in <Groom>.

Being the youngest of 4, life was never going to be easy in the <Groom>’s
family, especial when your brother and sisters referred to you
affectionately as "Frog Eyes".

One particular day while sitting at the kitchen table <Groom> was getting a
particularly rough ribbing. As this carried on the rage started to build up
inside … he slowly turned various shades of purple as voices from the dark
side were screamed in his head … he snapped.

<Groom> stormed out of the kitchen into the garden and over to the shed. In
a fit of anger he picked up a small hatchet that was hanging up and swung it
at the shed door.

Now most people would vent their anger after a couple of solid blows. But
not <Groom> – he was not satisfied until the door was fit for nothing but
firewood.

Now I can see <Bride> a little alarmed at this point, I want to reassure you
that through therapy and tantric yoga, <Groom> has suppressed the dark side.
… Just make sure not to mess up his CD collection.

So Aries – quick tempered. But they are also daredevil.

As a teenager, <Groom> was in a gang of local lads from xxxxx (their home
town) They particularly enjoyed harassing the local residents by putting
stink bombs through the letter boxes. However, one house was particularly
challenging as the old lady who lived there used to spy on them from the
downstairs window.

Well the lads from xxxxx wouldn't let her get away with that -oh no. So
<Groom>, as a rookie and wanting to raise his status among the gang ( Aries
– ambitious creatures you see), volunteered to carry out the daring mission
to planting a full compliment of stink bombs through this old lady's letter
box.

So with an armful of stink bombs, <Groom> crept along the side of the house
and as he was just lifting the letterbox, the old Dear flung open the window
cried out "Clear off, or I'm calling the police".

Well <Groom> just dropped what he was holding ( and I'm not just talking
about the stink bombs in his hands) and scarpered, leaping over the garden
gate like a world class hurdler.

Well <Groom>, I read the book on Aries very carefully and though it cites
daredevil as a characteristic.… But as I suspected, there is absolutely no
reference to bravery.

So Aries, quick tempered, daredevil .… And enthusiastic

<Groom> is a very enthusiastic partygoer. One time he was invited to a
Football dinner. A certain Mr xxxxx and Mr yyyy told <Groom> that the
evening had a 70’s theme. Well <Groom> was determined to be the best dressed
funkiest dude of the night. He put the frilliest, loudest shirt he could get
his hands on, silver platforms shoes, whacking great big gold medallion and
a premed wig and made his way to the venue. After checking his appearance in
the car mirror he sauntered over to the hall and burst through the doors
hoping to dazzle everyone with his funky costume. What stared back at him,
in disbelief, was the entire football club in dressed in formal evening wear
including xxxx and yyyy.
In his enthusiasm, <Groom> had fallen for the oldest trick in the book.

Well I'm told shortly after xxxx hastily moved back to N Ireland and xxxx
fled to the Continent.

But this incident hasn't dampened <Groom>’s passion for dressing up.…
Let's see now he's dressed as a 70’s disco Diva, as an Irish leprechaun, as
Spiderman.… And that's just in public. Lord knows what he does at home
behind closed curtains.

Aries are also foolhardy.

<Groom> and <Bride> are very keen skiers. In fact, <Groom> found skiing
easy.… He learned in just 10 sittings.

On their last skiing trip, <Groom> found himself at the top of a steep
slope – a bit too steep. Being watched by <Bride> and a gang of fellow
friends he couldn't turn back .… How would he live it down.

So summoning up his courage he launched himself down the slope screaming
"Turning is for wimps"

Now, what <Groom> hadn't spotted from the top of the slope was the pile of
snow which has been fashioned as a ramp. Approaching this ramp at something
near terminal velocity, his cheeks flapping under the G-force, he hit the
ramp – which now was looking like Mount Kilimanaro- and started going
skywards. Nearby spectators craning their necks as they plotted his
trajectory – straight up and then straight down, landing squarely on his
back with both skis embedded in the snow up to the bindings.

Billy Smart's circus were so impressed with his acrobatics, they asked him
to run away and join the circus to be one of their clowns.

So I think you will all agree, based on the evidence I have provided today,
<Groom> is a true Arien.

What about <Bride>. Well it was <Bride>’s birthday on Tuesday so many happy
returns.

That makes <Bride> a Leo. So I went back to my source and looked up what the
what star signs are compatible with an enthuisastic, foolhardy and
quick-tempered fellow .… and I'm not making this up but this is what I
found.

"The Aries – Leo is a great combination, with both sides being emotional in
their make up. Their sex life could be legendary (this all true – I'm not
making this up!). Leo admires the strength of fiery contemporaries. This is
exactly what Ariens are, making this an ideal union."

I honestly believe that <Groom> and <Bride> were made for each other, the
planets are aligned and the stars are in their favour. I would personally
like to wish them a very long and happy marriage and may our friendship
continue for many years to come.

Finally, I'm told it's traditional for the best man to bestow some words of
wisdom

To <Bride> I would like to say:
"If you love something .… Set it free.
If it comes back … it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns … it was never yours to begin with
………
If it just sits around, ….messes up your stuff, ….eats your food,
….use the telephone constantly, …borrows your money, …and never
behaves as if it was never set free in the first place.…

You married it or gave birth to it.

And my advice to <Groom>;
"Laugh and the whole world laughs with you…..snore and you sleep alone"

Ladies and Gentlemen, It gives me great pleasure too invite you all to
charge your glasses and be upstanding as we toast the new couple Mr and Mrs
xxxxx

To <Groom> and <Bride>