Speech by Barry Dixon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Barry Dixon
Speech Date: Mar 2002
Thanks A.

Can the people down the back and at the bar hear me okay? Yes? Fantastic! I'll have 2 glasses of red please, one for me and one for the gorgeous chief bridesmaid – wine goggles to make me look better!

Hope for interaction… WoooHoooo! (?) Glasses! A new record!

First of all: Congratulations to A & L. I have actually congratulated A already and told him that he would look back on this as the happiest night of his life… of course that was last night at home over a bottle of red wine.

I know that the road has not always been so smooth and there have been bumps along the way. I remember a particularly emotional telephone call some two years ago, L at work in Mt Keith and me standing beside a canefield outside of Mackay in Queensland. Of course my throat would be cut and a horses head would be lobbed into my front courtyard if I were to reveal the contents of that conversation…

In spite of the rocky path, or maybe due to it, our lovebirds are still singing as loud as ever so it seems all great loves have to experience the ups and downs of life to grow stronger and endure.

Point in case this morning; I was woken by a bit of furtive commotion, lots of female whispering and lots of kissy-kissy type stuff going on. I thought if that's not L at the door, it's a very friendly Mormon, and why didn't I bloody well get up and answer the door!

If everybody could be up standing, I would like to start with a toast first of all.

To A, the man that has conquered the brides heart and that of her mums’

Thank you. I was pretty nervous about getting up here and speaking to you all so I prepared a few lines… having snorted them before I'm feeling absolutely fine now.

Good evening to you all, and for those of you who don't know me, the people that do know me will tell you how lucky you are. My name is Barry and I have to take this opportunity to thank A & L for choosing me to fulfil the role of best Man. They are both very special friends to me, so being the Best Man at this wedding is a truly unique occasion I feel. Of course, the only problem with being the Best Man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it… but if anyone wants to start a drinking competition…

One of my duties is to reply on behalf of the bridesmaids… so… on the behalf of M & S, our beautiful and gorgeous bridesmaids, R & C, the cutest and most adorable flower girls you ever did see. I wish to thank the Bride and Groom for the kind words, and I think you'll all agree that they look lovely and have done a splendid job helping L with today's arrangements. Salute to the girls, job well done, more wine goggles!

That really was a fantastic church, you couldn't have asked for a more beautiful setting and that priest was a real eye-opener for me. When we had a few spare minutes before the service, I was chatting to him and (as you do) I happened to ask him about his views on sex before marriage. He said he had no problems with it whatsoever as long as it didn't interrupt the ceremony…

I think everyone will agree with me when I say that L looks absolutely stunning today, A just looks stunned. Ls’ Mum and Dad and entire family must be very proud of the beautiful young woman we see here today. A must count his blessings that L has agreed to become his wife. Which leads me to state, “A man is not complete until he's married, then he's truly finished!”

A has scrubbed up pretty well though, but I believe that having copied my outfit for the day has helped him out immensely there. It took me a while to convince him that Safari suits and ruffles, though high fashion in NZ, are not to be attempted over here in Oz.

One of the points of this rambling speech is to provide you all with some background about A, and to share some moments. I could also give some background about L, but being an animal lover, I shan't tempt fate and horse's heads. I'll just say I love the curly headed little Italian and wish her all the very best on this special day.

A on the other hand is a different story. Having only met A over here in Oz a few years ago I do not have much info on the early years so please excuse me while I make a few things up.

You may be surprised to find this out, but A has not always been the good looking young man (I use that term loosely) we see here before us today. I'm sorry to say, and I have this on good authority, that as a young fella growing up he was considered one of the homeliest kids on the street and indeed on the North Island. Indeed, his dad had to tie a chop around his neck to get the family pet to play with him and this went on for years until the RSPCA found out and came and put an end to the practice. Of course by this stage, A was approaching adolescence and his interest in sex had exploded as it does for all teenagers. So, A, being quick to adapt simply replaced the chop with a little bundle of hay and lo and behold, the stud we see here before us today has evolved!

Perhaps most tragically of all, at such an early age, A once spent six days in hospital… in the premature ejaculation unit… apparently it was touch and go at one stage there!

Which reminds me, another of my duties is to ensure that there are no surprises from the grooms past popping along to the wedding to create any sort of scene. It took me quite a while to track them all down, but I did it and I believe we won't be having any problems on that front at all. They have all banded together and have actually hired a cruise boat for a celebratory Middle East cruise. They were even kind enough to send me a photo as a souvenir and to share with you all.

Show: Photo of sheep being loaded onto stock transport ship.

One of A's other great loves is of course Rugby. I'll be brief though (a bit like the rugby career). A told me once that he thinks marriage is a bit like rugby. He's fully committed, intends to score every Saturday, change ends at half time, and play away from home for half the season. Funny that, ‘cos I reckon L would ensure he'll definitely suffer a groin injury if he does.

We play touch rugby at work quite a bit, and I'm sorry to say that in all the time that he's played we've found A to be useless in every position. Oh well L, let's hope you have better luck!

Speaking of work – I'm proud to say that A has done exceptionally well and has progressed up the ladder and is now a Team Leader. To be totally honest he is now considered somewhat of a guru… He's rarely seen, holier than thou and if he does any work at all it's a bloody miracle!

Ladies and Gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure, not to mention blessed'd relief, to ask you all to charge your glasses, once again be upstanding and raise a toast.

“Let's drink to love, which is nothing – unless it's shared by two.”

Congratulations to the Bride and Groom, A and L.