Speech by Barry Latter

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Barry Latter
Speech Date: nov 2002
Hi, my names is Barry and I have a drinking problem…hang on that's Mondays.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I thank you for attending this wonderful occasion on Mike and Nicki's (on the day I was so nervous I ended up saying "Micki & Nike's") wedding day. Can I also congratulate the bridesmaids on looking so nice and for doing a great job in making sure that Nicki went against her better judgement and didn't change her mind. Thanks also to the friends and families who have all helped this day run so smoothly. I'd especially like to thank the vicar and congratulate him on what was a very impressive organ.

A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………thank you ladies & gentlemen – & good afternoon (Sit Down) (wait a second & then continue)

When Mike asked me to be his best man I admit …I panicked I thought of a thousand ways to say ‘No politely’… and in my haste to pick out the best one I just blurted out
"Of course I'll do it mate – it'll be a honour"

So Mike and Nicki you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Mike couldn't have done any better and Nicki couldn't have done any worse.

Actually, during the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 27 years ago Nicki's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…(pause) and it's happening again today.

So what can I tell you about the groom, well to be honest I have not known Mike for more than a couple of years, and I couldn't get hold of the police records. But one thing I have learned over the past two years is that they are perfect for each other, Nicki is a great worrier and Mike is someone to worry about!

So rather than look at Mike's past I thought I'd look around on the internet for references to marriage. After the first hour, or five, I finally found what I really wanted, and not the interesting stuff I can't talk about because of the children present. But if you would like a list of those sites see me at the bar later.

So what did I find? Well there a lots of wise words and quotes out there, the first I thought most appropriate to myself:

"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?"
— Jerry Seinfeld

Another I overheard at the pub on the stag do, one man says to another, "I never knew the meaning of happiness till I got married, but by then it was too late!"

So, what words of wisdom did I find, well the first comes in the form of a poem, to help answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, called Moods;

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, she'll love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

Horny.
Hungry

One thing I was told was that as she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. (This didn't go down as well as I hoped)

But then why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?

So with all this information flying around I decided to ask Mike what he was looking for in marriage; he said love, happiness and a family. When I asked Nicki the same question, she replied…A PERKY COPULATOR. Sorry, a COFFEE PERCULATOR.

Well what advice can I give you Mike, well a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

I was going to give you the advice my old man gave me on my wedding day, he told me that after the wedding, in the honeymoon suite, before anything happened to give my newly wedded wife my trousers and tell her to put them on. This she did and said, "I cant wear these they're too big", to which I said "Exactly, I wear the trousers". She then threw me her knickers, telling me to put them on, to which I replied "I'm not getting into those", and she came back with "and you never will with that attitude!"

Seriously though, in my searching around to find a pertinent closing thought, all were overshadowed by the validity of the following:

"You don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them."

Here's to love, laughter
And happily ever after.
As Mike and Nicki start their new life
Let's toast the new husband and wife.

"Live long and prosper"(he's a Start Trek fan), no seriously.…

"The Bride and Groom"