Speech by Baz Robinson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Baz Robinson
Speech Date: oct 2003
BESTMAN SPEECH

Ladies and Gentlemen,

FORNICATION……Sorry I mean… “”For An Occasion” such as this its time for me as the Best man to say a few words,
I always knew it was going to be difficult to follow a speech made by Mark..… and I was right…..I couldn't follow a bloody word of it!
Well I'm not all that used to public speaking, so I thought I would prepare a few lines…(SNIFF)….and I feel a lot better now having just snorted them.
So for those of you that haven't already made the connection yet, I'm Marks older brother Barry.
Well I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes..… because of my throat..Apparently if I go on too long, Sarah has threatened to cut it. And also a wise old man once told me the best mans speech should last no longer than it takes the groom to make love……..So thank you and goodnight. (SIT DOWN).

OK then I'll go against tradition and carry on, and actually as I'm married it's nice to be able to hear the sound of my own voice.
But before I go on I would just like to thank Mark on this MY SPECIAL DAY for agreeing to be my Groom today! It takes a lot of guts to get married just so I could be the best man for once. Well it's a great honour being Marks best man today, not only because we are close as brothers, but it has given me the opportunity to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.
But seriously thank you both, on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself for the lovely GIFTS,s, and to Mark for his well rehearsed toast to the beautiful bridesmaids; speaking of which, I have to say, and I'm sure you all agree they've done a splendid job of both looking fantastic and also getting Sarah ready for her special day, It's nice to see you've all made the effort, Hair by Nicky Clarke, outfit by Versace and make up by B & Q.
Oh and don't forget Helen as Chief bridesmaid you have the great honour of dancing with me…..… The legend that is Baz Travolta so I've already spoken to the DJ and chosen the music….”Agadoo” by Black Lace followed by “I'm too sexy” by Right Said Fred. I bet you're looking forward to that later.
Well…..He's only gone and bloody done it! Yes Marks finally got married. And too such a beautiful bride. I think everyone here would agree that the bride looks, well, absolutely stunning, and Mark, looks well, a bit like me, only with less hair.
Today has already been fantastic and wasn't the service great; although interesting vows I thought, Mark said “I Do” and Sarah said “You'd better”.
That said it's already been a better wedding than the one I was at last week where an aerial married a Satellite dish. The Service was terrible, but the Reception was Brilliant..…
Well Sarah as Ive already said you look absolutely stunning today, and I know you would have been planning this special day since you were a little girl. I can only hope that, apart from maybe this speech, everything has exceeded your expectations. It's ironic though how history tends to repeat itself. Many moons ago, Brian and Lil were sending you to bed at night with a dummy…and now it's happening all over again!
When I discovered that I was going to be the best man, I decided to look on the Internet. After a couple of hours I finally found some Really Good Stuff.… but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.… so I gave up on that idea.
I also asked mum and dad if they had any cute photos of Mark that I could show today.… They said there was this really sweet photo of him lying Naked on a sheepskin rug, eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling……I was going to get it blown up to show you all today, but then I thought it might be too embarrassing as it was only taken last Christmas.
Whilst researching for this speech I looked up the meanings of Mark and Sarah's names,….and discovered that Sarah means “Beautiful Princess”,… and that Mark means “short, balding ugly bloke”. So I'd just like to say Mark, you're a very lucky man, you've found Sarah today, she's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband, So Thank God you married her before she found one.
So where do I start, at the beginning I suppose…..Mark and I are only 21 Months apart, hard to tell who's the youngest I know but one of us has had a harder paper round than the other.
We grew up close and the childhood memories I have, are the most precious anyone could hope for.. Our age difference and our growing up together explains a great deal about our close relationship.
For a start were very similar..… You might have noticed some physical similarities between us, particularly in hairstyles, although I do still have the most at the moment.
In fact only yesterday Mark went to the Barbers for a hair cut and the Barber charged Mark £5 more than the guy next to him….When Mark asked him why, he said that he'd had to charge a search fee.
And its a little known fact that Mark is considering another career, he's applied for a position as a pilot….with Receding Airlines.
Mark was born on 01 November 1965 at Ridgmont General Hospital, in other words Mum and Dads house in Station Road; he weighed in at 8lb 4oz and came prematurely….So no change there then.
To look at him now it's hard to believe he was an ugly baby. In fact not many people know but Mark was nearly called Thursday.… because dad took one look at him and said to mum “Right that's it, lets call it a day!” Hence they never had any more kids after Mark..… In fact he was so ugly the midwife slapped my mum.
At nursery school; Mark was different to all the other 4 and 5 year olds He was 12! But eventually made it to Primary School.
It was also at about this time that we used to do all the normal manly things boys do, like picking Bluebells up the woods for our mum and going to Sunday school, where Mark excelled in his Tab low skills, by either playing a shepherd, with a tea towel around his head or better still an Angel complete with the homemade paper wings and a tinsel halo. Oh what great times we had..…
We even slept together although this was not all plain sailing as we had to have an imaginary line in the middle of the bed and if Mark came across the line I would shout “I'm going down the line’ and as soon as I did he would shoot back onto his side because if I caught him we had an unwritten rule that I could hit him..… Many a time I caught him out.
I couldn't though miss this opportunity without mentioning the fact that Mark used to sleep with a teddy……not too unusual I know, apart from the fact he also had a routine and that was he would say to me every night “I'll cuddle Teddy, and you cuddle me”. And yes, most nights that's how we went to sleep, well at least until I left home and joined the Army.
He eventually moved schools to Fulbrook Middle school in Woburn Sands and then Finally Vandyke Upper in Leighton Buzzard, where it just so happens I've got some extracts from his old school report.
RE – Marks understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis.
Music – Mark continues to take hands on approach to music, but I wish he would concentrate his efforts playing in a band instead of with himself.
Maths – Mark has a problem differentiating between inches and millimetres, which explains why he thinks he's got an 18mm waist and a 30 inch penis.
And finally he's the only student at Vandyke who studied for blood test.
One final story I must relay is when we went on holiday to Weymouth with mum and dad we were only teenagers but liked a sneaky cig, so this one day we dropped behind mum and dad walking up the prom sneaked into a shop and bought 10 fags and box matches, a bit further on we both said we needed to go to the toilet, so off we went alone……Or so we thought. Went into a trap each and I, having stashed the merchandise sat down and passed one under the cubicle to Mark, He then shouts to me “Give us a light” and just as I went to pass the matches under we heard a voice say “No you bloody don't, you buggers” It was Dad, he'd followed us, suspecting what we were doing and caught us red handed, He couldn't stop laughing when he told mum and needless to say he's never let us forget it, even now 20 odd years later he still reminds us of the day he caught us out………..…
I can't stand up here and not say anything about the stag do. But before I do I would like to personally thank Justin for his help in organising the event of the year. Anyway for those of you that didn't attend, the Stag do was a very enjoyable occasion where we went to the dogs…..in more ways than one. Although some of us were a bit luckier than others, ah Justin. We then continued the motion reeking havoc on the normally tranquil city of Milton Keynes.
Unfortunately I cannot say too much as Marks solicitor has advised caution until the court case next month, However I have been informed by the RSPCA, that the donkey will make a full recovery.
Now I know that Mark and Sarah share the same values and principles, in fact I know that they both want babies whilst their still young……well lets face it, who wants old babies..…
I would also like to say that I have a lot of admiration for Sarah, she's a beautiful woman and an even more beautiful bride, I just hope Mark realises how lucky he is. But I still don't know how he got her to say Yes, because all she seems to say now is “No Mark”.
Now statistics prove that at least 50% of all people that get married in August ….are Women.
But remember Sarah, Marks not always the sharpest knife in the drawer, in fact I remember only the other day while shopping in Milton Keynes he went into Pizza Hut for his lunch and the waitress routinely asked Mark if he wanted his pizza sliced into 4 or 8 pieces, he replied better make it 4 pieces I don't think I could eat 8……
Now as for the Honeymoon, I'm told Mark and Sarah are off to Majorca….well some advice Mark. Its crap and bloody windy!. Also remember to take your snorkel, goggles and arm bands Mark, you never know the Hotel may well have a baby pool and you can be Jacques Cousteau again, like in the Dominican when you went deep sea diving with those great whites……..ah Sarah.
Apparently I have to offer some advice on marriage, well let's face it I'm still happily married after 19 years and to the same beautiful woman as well…….So Mark will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be easily compared to Marks 2nd great passion in life. Football…….You should ensure you are fully committed every week, Make sure you score every Saturday, Change ends at half time, Don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself and no tacking from behind. especially on your wedding night. Sarah has also assured me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is certainly the quickest way onto the transfer market…….I was going to include the one about going down in the box …..But thought better of it.
Remember Mark it's important to get on with your Mother-in-law…….I didn't speak to mine for over 2 years, don't get me wrong its not that I didn't like her, I was just too polite to interrupt.…
Never swear at your wife when there are ladies present.…
Never go to bed angry….always stay up and argue.
And always remember those three little words…You're right dear.
Now before I read the telegrams I would just like to take this opportunity to say, and I'm sure you will all agree that Mark and Sarah make the perfect couple; they are great friends and compliment each other. And we wish them all the best in this new chapter in their lives.

I would now like to read some of the Messages and Telegrams received today…..…

To Mark & Sarah, Best wishes on this special day from Bill and Mary Farkin, oh and the whole Farkin family.

To Mark & Sarah from the lads at Marks local football team, we've found Mark to be useless in every position, Hope Sarah has more luck.

Finally one from Man Utd

I would now like to summarise, no doubt to the relief of all, what marriage is all about by telling a joke which really brings home the meaning of married bliss…
“A father and his son are walking through a chemists when the boy picks up a packet of condoms and asks “Dad, Dad what are these”. And the father explains. Then the boy asks “But Dad, why do they come in packs of 3, 6 and 12”.
His father replies, “”The packs of 3 are for teenage boys, they use one on the Friday night, one on the Saturday night and one on the Sunday night. The packs of 6 are for lads in their 20s they'll use 2 on the Friday night, 2 on the Saturday night and 2 again on the Sunday night. The packs of 12 are for married men, they use one in January, One on February…..”
And finally………..… My speech today took ages
To prepare and keep true
I hope it made you laugh
And also was not blue

Well Mark and Sarah you've done it
You've finally tied the knot
We thought that Mark would stay at home
Until the year dot.

So Sarah you must be special
To take him from his mum
I know that you will love him
And share your lives in fun

I would like to publicly thank you
For asking me today
I'm proud to be your best man
And brother in every way.

Now in your wife you've chosen
Someone very special too
But how the hell did you get Sarah
To say the words “I Do”

Sarah you are without doubt
The best thing in Marks life
Id like to thank you from all of us
For becoming his beautiful wife.

You are the perfect couple
You work together well
You make each other laugh a lot
And certainly both gel.

And now at last I've finished
You'll all be pleased to know
Its time to get down giggy
And to the bar well go

And so it leaves me finally
To the toast the happy pair
So raise your glasses with me
And in this moment share

The perfect Groom
The Bride none fairer
Ladies and Gents

Mark and Sarah!