Speech by Ben Chapman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ben Chapman
Speech Date: Aug2005
Thankyou.…

Hello everyone,I'm Ben.Dan foolishly picked me to be his best man.
I was worried about how long my speech should be then someone told me it should only last as long as the groom takes to perform his marital duties on the wedding night….so that's me done then…

Apparently there are some things I'm not supposed to talk about,the Stag being one…
Well, nothing evil happened to Dan whatsoever on his Stag and I think the rest of the Nutella Nine will agree with me that it's a testament to the friendship we all have with Dan that the only doubt of the weekend was whether the Paraglider could take his weight!

What can I tell you about Dan:

He was born in 1970,the same year Jimi Hendrix died,one great musician goes out.… and Dan was born…..:he wasn't a pretty baby,he had shutters on his pram.He was a slow starter at nursery and was different from all the other 5 year olds_he was 11!When his parents were asked what they thought he'd be when he left school they said "ooh,about 35."
Anyway he did eventually leave school and fulfilled his lifelong ambition of starting a band which gave him the opportunity to play in a lot of different venues and sink a lot of JD and Coke's along the way.It's good to see he's got in shape for today though,I'm impressed…Well round is a shape isn't it?

Like all good friends,we've had our ups and downs,I remember back to times when a petty argument would start from nowhere,Dan would call me ‘Bugeyes’ I'd call him ‘Peanut’ and it would spiral out of all proportion and we'd each end up running home in tears.But sure enough,the next day,Dan would drop me an email from work and everything would be fine again…

I've also got to say thanks Dan for letting me borrow this suit (thank God I didn't pick the lilac one!)

Really Dan you're a very lucky man..You married Claire today mate,she's a beautiful,smart ,funny,loving and caring young woman.She deserves a great husband..Thank God she married you before she found one.

I now have a few messages to read out from those who couldn't attend or weren't invited:
Dear Claire:Good luck on your wedding day and I hope you spend many happy years together.I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently.Love Ron Jeremy.

Dear Dan ,you forgot your thong and Gimp Mask from all the girls at the Piano Bar.

Dear Claire ,you forgot your thong and Gimp Mask from all the girls at the Piano Bar.

The final and most important task of the best man is knowing when enough is enough and I think that time has arrived.… It's been an honour and privilege mate,thanks again and I think you'll all agree Dan is really the best man..
That's me done,time to get mullered and I promise I won't dance(some of you might have heard that before).

So,the Toast,

Please stand and raise a glass to the new Mr and Mrs ……,the bride and groom..