Speech by Ben Jackson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ben Jackson
Speech Date: Jun 2002
Intro

And now the part I've been dreading for nearly 18 months, ever since Jamie asked me to be his best man, having to stand up in front of all of you wearing ballet shoes, football socks, a skirt and a handbag. Ok, here goes.

Well, first of all, on behalf of Jamie and Gail, I'd like to say a big thank you to everyone that has made the effort to be here today. I think there's 65 of us here in total today, which I'm sure you'll all agree is a fantastic turnout, especially since most of us live at the opposite end of the UK.

Also, I have to thank Jamie for paying his dues to the bridesmaids. I think they all look great and they did their job really well, so I think a round of applause is definitely in order.

For myself, Well, I'd like to thank Jamie for asking me to be his best man, and of course would like to thank Gail………… for letting him ask me. I know she's nervous about the content of my speech.

Gail's orders

In fact, I'm under strict orders not to say anything that would embarrass either of them on their big day. So, I'm NOT going to tell you about the time Jamie wrote his car off by driving it into a bus shelter, or the time he skidded Jason's car onto the pebbles at Shoreham beach, or the time he had a fight with a guy wearing a Sootie costume, or EVEN the time Jamie fainted like a little girl in a packed café, in the middle of Barcelona, on his stag doo. The list is endless, but this isn't the time or the place.

And I certainly wouldn't delve into Jamie's dodgy sexual history or mention any of his previous girlfriends. I think it's vulgar and would be offensive to the bride, so I'm not going to do any of that. But let's just say that number 94 has turned out to be lucky for Jamie.

However, having said that I'm not going to embarrass them, I do get loose-lipped with alcohol, so if you catch me later when I've had a few more beers I'll be more than happy to give away all of Jamie's secrets.

Joking aside, on the subject of Jamie and Gail, I think they both look fantastic today (clap).

Jamie

Now, I've known Jamie for about 12 years now and he's been my best mate for pretty much the same length of time. When I first knew him, I could always rely on him for a good laugh. He was always the first one out on the piss and the last one home. He certainly never cared too much about work. And that is what I used to like about him. However, over the last few years he's undergone a bit of a transformation. He doesn't live it up like he used to, and sometimes he gets a bit of stick for that. Instead, he's more likely to be in bed before the clubs even open. But, he's managed to pull himself together a bit and he's become a really good web designer. He seems happy with Gail and I'm very pleased for him.

Friends & Family

Now of course, I'm not the only person in this room that Jamie knows well. In fact, this place is stuffed with people that have an opinion on the guy. So, I thought it would be a nice idea to find out what some of you others think of the groom, and share you're thoughts at his wedding. Over the last few weeks I've been approaching his friends and this is what just a few of you said.

Nick, his business partner, said, ‘Working with Jamie is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.’

Also, I thought it would be a good idea to find out what Jamie was like before I knew him, so I asked his brother what he was like when he was at school. And apparently, ‘Jamie was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’. Ooops, sorry that should be, ‘Jamie was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’ Isn't that right Steve?

Unfortunately, Jamie has also been described as arrogant, insensitive and selfish. And let's face it, if anyone should know him it is his Mum.

Telegrams

OK, on to the telegrams. We have actually received some messages from people who unfortunately couldn't be with us today.

Firstly. Congratulations and we hope you have a lovely day. That's from my parents.

We've got one here just for Gail. It reads, we could have been so good together. Why did you settle for him? And that's from …….George Clooney.

Another one for Gail. I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married. And that one's from….… Brad Pitt.

And finally there's one here for Jamie. It says, ‘You lying, cheating, bastard. You said you'd marry me instead!!!!!’ And that one's blank.

Toast

Okay, I think I'll finish up with the toast now. Anyway, I only wanted to speak for a few minutes because of my throat. Gail said she would cut it if I talked for too long.

Now, if you could join me in a toast to some very important people, without whom today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will shuffle past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.

Seriously though. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Cheers and congratulations. To Jamie and Gail.

Close

Okay, shows over! Thanks for putting up with me and see you later. I'm off to get shit-faced.