Speech by Ben Shaw

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ben Shaw
Speech Date: May 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen

….I hope you're all enjoying the day so far

Firstly I'd like to thank the bridesmaids

Rachel, Faye and Emma on behalf of Matthew

I'm sure you'll all agree they look beautiful and have done a wonderful job today.

I'd also like to mention the happy couple

Sarah, you look absolutely stunning

And Matthew you look….well, you look like me

Except with ginger hair

But I do have to say you did a good job choosing our suits.

I think we all look very smart

Although I think I might have picked up your suit by mistake this morning

Mine feels very loose in the stomach but tight around the arms

When Matt told me that he was getting married to Sarah I probably thought exactly what you did:

“Finally…I'm going to get a drink out of him!”

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Ben and I'm one of Matt's oldest friends. In fact I've known Matt virtually my whole life.

Our parents’ were friends and we used to spend weekends together. I remember we would spend most of our time playing computer games, eating crisps and farting.

And here we are – almost 20 years later and so much has changed….The computer games have got much harder…..The crisps have been joined by Continental lager….And Matt's farts have got much worse.

But despite knowing Matt my whole life I found it hard to remember any embarrassing stories about him. Because even though he has violently red hair, he's actually a mild-mannered, well-behaved young man.

As a schoolboy he was never in trouble.

He was never bunking off school to go and drink homebrew wine and watch mucky videos round at Iain Pennell's house.

He was never sneaking off to Ryles House to peep at couples’ “doing it” in the Greenhouse.

And I'm told he had nothing to do with the Playboy pictures that came tumbling out of the flag at the end of one Scouts evening.

So without any misbehaviour to hold him back breezed through school. But then soon it was time to leave his home town and head to University.

Matt decided to go to Hatfield and study Aeronautical Engineering. A tough course but Matt was equal to it.

Tales of his dedication are legendary.

It is said that he is one of the only students ever to have completed the whole course without ever missing a morning session of Richard and Judy.

After graduating Matt moved to Bedford and in the summer of 1994 at the River Festival he met Sarah. I remember talking to him at the time and he told me he'd met a “really cool bird”.

He then told me he was going to cook stir fry with a tin of Tuna Chunks for one of their first dates.

“No”, I said. If she's really special, get a tin of Tuna Steak. He did. And the rest is history.

Soon they started living together and it quickly became clear to Sarah that she would have to be as much a Mother as a Lover to him.

One winter Matt caught a cold and had to hold his head over a bowl to steamy water as a cure.

Now Matt is famous for his lack of nerve endings from the neck up. And as a result the steam burnt off the end of his nose!

For the next few weeks Matt walked round like a human barometer. Every time the cold set in his nose would light up the sky.

Of course since being in Bedford Matt has been working at Trek, chalking up 8 years of service with the company.

Now, as many managers are aware, employees can often be a company's own worst advertisement. And Matt was able to demonstrate this theory perfectly for Trek at a mountain bike exhibition in Scotland.

After being introduced to the gathered crowds Matt set off down the course on his brand new Trek bike. But unfortunately didn't get much past the first bend before flying off the bike and tumbling head over heels into a ditch – breaking and dislocating his shoulder.

But it wasn't all bad news for Matt – he and Sarah were moving house the next week so he avoided all the heavy lifting!

Despite this embarrassing episode Trek have stuck by Matt and he has rewarded them. Acting as a perfect ambassador wherever he goes.

Take, for example, last year's Xmas party at the Peking Chinese restaurant in Stoney Stratford.

All began well with a couple of pints in a local pub before the meal. Then the party moved on to the restaurant where the festivities really began. Pretty soon they were all in good spirits – the wine flowed like lager.

In Matt's case this was about one litre of wine.

….or should it be 2 litres of wine?

Because Matt had actually been given a bottle of wine – as a gift for Sarah from Trek. But he decided that he would enjoy it much more than she would so down that went as well.

So, a few hours later, our Hero is two bottles of wine to the good and all's well. Until ‘BANG’. It happened. Marathon runners call it ‘hitting the wall’. For Matt it was more like ‘hitting the table.’ Face first – he was out like a light.

And there he stayed for the rest of the evening.

But he remained in festive spirit. He kept his paper hat on the whole time and even left his own decoration on the carpet for the waiters.

Well, this speech is getting on and I should wrap it up, but I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank Matt for asking me to be his best man. It's been a great honour and I've really enjoyed it.

I'd also like to thank all the lads that came on the stag dos – both in London and Newcastle. We all had a great time and did lots of drinking and, ahem, dancing.

In fact it was great to see Matt back on the dancefloor, partying like it was 1989 – literally. Rarely has anyone hit the dancefloor with such little regard for style or rhythm.

But seriously, and all joking aside, I do have to say what a great mate Matt has been to me. A really top bloke. We've had some great times in the past and I hope our friendship continues well into the future – especially after this speech.

Now traditionally I have to offer you some advice but I have to confess I couldn't think of anything that needed saying. You and Sarah are absolutely perfect for each other and I'm sure you'll have a wonderful life together.

But I did find a quote from a poet called Ogden Nash that I thought I'd share with you:

“Whenever you're wrong – admit it
Whenever you're right – shut up”

And I can also confidently tell you that now you're a married man you'll always get to have the last words in any argument….YES DEAR.

****ONLY DO THIS IF THERE ARE MESSAGES***
Now it only remains for me to read a few messages for the newlyweds

+++READ THEM HERE++++

…and “Matt, can you bring us back some Won-Ton/red wine stain remover from Hong Kong.” All the waiting staff at the Peking Chinese Restaurant in Stoney Stratford.

And now Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to ask you all to please charge your glasses and be upstanding as we toast Matthew and Sarah

the new Mr and Mrs Elam

THE BRIDE AND GROOM