Speech by Ben Simmons

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ben Simmons
Speech Date: oct 2004

Well Hello, my name is Ben and as I suppose you've guessed I'm the best man.
First of all, Robert, thanks for agreeing to be my groom today, and thank you Charlotte for allowing Robert to agree!
Robert, Congratulations on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I was right …..I could hardly follow a bloody word of it!
I took some advice on my speech – everybody said not too many anecdotes (throw some Q cards away), I also checked with the ushers to remove any rude and offensive stories, so that was that lot gone! (throw a load of Q cards In the air)
One of the roles of best man was to ensure Robert got a good night sleep last night. So we had a couple of pints and Robert slept like a baby:- In fact he was waking up every half hour crying and asking for him mum! (PAUSE) Mind you, I nearly wet the bed thinking about this speech ..…
I and a few others are perhaps a little nervous about this speech today (look up – cheeky grin and) cant imagine why!?!?(shrug), I also understand that others amongst you are quite looking forward to it, (Pause) its interesting to note that those who are worried are all sitting on this table!!
So a little about Rob's past –
Ladies & Gentlemen, I've had the pleasure of knowing Robert for about 15 years. We met in a pub in Maidenhead when I was about 18 and Rob was about 28, so I think he chose me as Best Man as I wouldn't be able to tell too many embarrassing stories about his childhood…….well I hate to disappoint you Robert but friends and family have been very forthcoming!!!! The rest I've just made up!!!!
One of Rob's great qualities is he is always helpful, Over the years he has help many of us friends and his family with career advice, CV writing skills, interview techniques, I also understand that as the elder sibling in the family he also adopted the role of ‘Robert the Helper’ in the Watson family.… He was about five and when his sister Anne was a toddler, whilst helping to feed her a boiled egg, being rather ‘helpful’ he decided to swap the spoon of egg yolk for a spoon of mustard ..… what a lovely big Bro!!!
Robert has also helped a number of us with sport (PAUSE + smirk slightly for effect) Difficult to believe I know .… But he has taught a number of us to play squash – and he is still looking for people that he can beat, it's funny how he stops phoning you once you've learnt how to beat him!!
How Rob and Charlotte got together –
Robert's birthday has just pasted the 12th December, on that day in 1577 Sir Francis Drake set out from Plymouth to raid Spanish holdings on the Pacific coast and explore the Pacific ocean, three years later he finally returned to Plymouth, this was the very first circumnavigation of the Earth by a British explorer..… You could draw parallels with Rob and Charlotte, of course it didn't take Rob three years to navigate to Charlotte it took him nearly 14!!!!!!
Well it was at James and Jane's Twitchen's Wedding last year when Rob and Charlotte finally got together, Rob had had a couple of beers, and he came up to me on the dance floor and said, ‘thhhhe idddds annnt toooo plllaaay fooooootbbbball outside’ (drunk voice) I said, ‘what?’, he said, ‘thhhhe idddds annnt toooo plllaaay fooooootbbbball outside'(Drunk Voice), I said, ‘What?’ he said, the kids want to play football outside’ I finally understood him through the disabilities of Rob's drunkenness, my poor hearing and the band, I said great and that I would join him a bit later, so I finished that dance and headed outside, a little strange cos Rob was nowhere to be seen, after kicking the football around on the grass in the darkness for a few minutes with the kids – inevitably the ball went into the bushes, I went in to get it and I tell you what, Rob and Charlotte were playing a funny kind of football ……
So a little more about Rob –
Rob is one those lucky men – he's found an absolute cracker with Charlotte, beautiful, smart, charming, incredibly kind, fantastic taste, the list goes on and on, And Charlotte's lucky because she's found,(PAUSE) well er.… Rob.…
There are many amongst us today that are extremely grateful for Charlotte's great taste and fashion sense, when Rob asked me to be best man, firstly I was proud as punch to be asked, then of course the thoughts dawned slowly on me, I would be subjected to wearing clothes chosen by Robert!!!! – after all we are talking about a man who used to walk around as the oldest Skaterboy in town, and wore snowboarding gear all year even the summer. I consulted my fellow Ushers and sure enough they had the same reservations as I, we were more than a little worried about the wedding party outfits, so a massive thank you to Charlotte for not letting myself, Rob and the Ushers look like something out of Boyzone today.
Charlotte, I'm not sure if you know this or not, but, Robert, myself and the Vicar from St Lukes all have something in common, we all use the same hair dresser, Mario at Clipso. Two weeks ago Robert had a haircut in preparation for the wedding, and I went last week, so I was chatting to Mario, and I asked if Rob had had a special haircut, Mario said no, he had the usual £15 job, funny I thought, he only charges me £12, so I cheekily asked Mario why it was more, he said he had to charge Rob a £3 search fee for the bit on top!!!!
Rob's has always had a few nick names – Gadget Man, as he has bought, or considered buying every gadget there is(explain electric BBQ blower) and Magnesium Man (When drinking with the boys, he burns brightly but not for very long!!) International man of mystery – with all his travel, in fact it's a mystery how Rob has managed to get quite so much personal travel on his Work expenses!
I know you want to hear about the stag do, but in time honoured tradition, what goes on tour stays on Tour ….(Pause) It is fair to say though we have a few beers in Germany though!!!
Telegrams +
To Mr Watson: ‘In response to your constant enquiry, we categorically assure you that there is no such thing as the Married Man's Beer Allowance. Please stop wasting our time – the Nottingham Tax Office.’
Cards Here!!!!
This one is all the way from Rheins in Germany, it's from Heinrich – aged 9, (ah that's sweet!!) Dear Daddy..…
This is completely uncharacteristic of me – but I would like to be serious for a moment. Some of you may find it a bit of a shock – so try not to fall off your chairs. (Pause)
Rob has been an incredibly close friend for many years – not just to me – but to so many people in this room. You are a great mate, we have a bond that is almost thicker than blood, because you choose to be my friend, and I am very proud to be your friend. You are a guy we all enjoy spending time with, whether in the pub or on some magnificent exotic expedition you have organised. But more than that – you are a true friend – someone who is always available to help and always there as a shoulder to cry on. Here I know I don't just speak for myself, – but for several people in this room who have come up to me and specifically asked me to mention this in my speech. You have given so much to so many of us in this room, invaluable advice, and you are always there for us all, whether it be family or friends, advice or a crisis, we have all come to rely on Rob far more than we realise over the years – and the efforts he has gone to on our behalf have been amazing. Rob, I and many people in this room are privileged to have your friendship and it means more to us than I can say with these words today – sincerely, (pause – look at Rob) thank you mate!

Now you have found love with Charlotte and we couldn't be happier for you both. It is fantastic that we know Charlotte equally well – and so its easy for us to see how happy you will be together. Charlotte too has been a wonderful friend for many years – and you are incredibly lucky to have met such a beautiful, kind, thoughtful, intelligent and very successful person. You compliment each other magnificently and you will have a very long, fulfilled and happy life together.
Kiss Charlotte and shake Rob's hand
I also have a couple of Thank you's to say, On behalf of Rob and Charlotte, if you would allow me, firstly to the ushers, Paul and Mark, what a great team to delegate all the work to!!! Secondly, to the 2 families involved here to day, the Watson and the Johnsons, they have all worked hard to make this whole weekend a fantastic event.
Close
To bring things to a conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it, then all I can do is offer my sincere apologies.
These just one last thing left for me to do and that's to ask you all to stand to toast the bride and groom, (Pause) Great friends, great couple, great future …… To Rob and Charlotte.