Speech by Ben

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ben
Speech Date: Dec2004
FIRSTLY, on behalf of the bridesmaids:
I'd like to thank Craig and Tim for their kind words and appreciation. I think everybody will agree that the bridesmaids Kerry and Natasha look absolutely gorgeous and so does Craig – oh! sorry I meant Claire.

Can I just say you look stunning.

Whereas Craig just looks stunned.

HEAD DOWN
SIGH

Oh, dear *. (sigh) ladies and gentlemen, it now falls to me to reply on behalf of the best man – that's me if nobody noticed.

This is going to be hard for me – because I've been told – actually I've been warned – to keep the speech SHORT, FUNNY and most of all (looks at Claire) * CLEAN.

Well, that's it, really (chucks speech on table, sits down)

Ah, well I suppose I'd better do it. I promised Craig

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Ben, and as is traditional on these occasions, on this very special day, for those of you who don't know Craig as well as those closest to him, I'm here to give you a little bit of a background on why Claire has graciously agreed to accept Detective Constable Craig *** proposal of marriage.

He's been asking her for years and she only said yes after he agreed to go on probation and show he will be of good behaviour – apart from the stag party in Prague in the Czech Republic – more of that story later.

By saying "I do", not only has she gained a wonderful husband but also someone who can explain all that the technical jargon when they're watching The Bill.
Now she knows when Craig says: T- tango, E – Echo, A- Alpha – he just wants a hot drink.

When Craig fitted me up – sorry, asked – me to be his best man today, PART of me was honoured PART of me was terrified but mostly I was laughing inwardly that he's finally admitting what we've known all along

That I am, in fact, better than him.
Isnt that what the best man means? I don't know – maybe not

Having never been a best man before, I had to spend several hours surfing the internet to try and find out exactly what my duties would be. So I switched on my computer and keyed in the word BEST MAN

And all that came on screen was BEST –
George Best
And his instructions for a wedding lunch * TEN bowls of champagne soup with bread and brandy butter, coq au vin, followed by sherry trifle and any port in a storm

No help there, then.

So I thought I'd better talk to TIM and Craig's dad Rob and they told me that apparently the most important thing – THE ONLY THING I HAD TO DO – was make sure Craig got to the ceremony on time.
And find the place although he's got no sense of direction.

He was going to be a traffic cop but he failed because he kept stopping at red lights

Some of you, incidentally, may have been surprised by how calm and collected Craig has seemed today – he seemed to have avoided the wedding day jitters and kept insisting ‘I'm fine, really’ all day. It's just like another day giving evidence in court

Anyway, where was I?

Craig was born on 27 Aug 1976
the year that the phrase ‘junk food’ entered the English language just a few years after McDonald's opened its first restaurant here. Is there a link?

Status Quo were going strong
and had just started their first farewell tour

It was the time of Margaret Thatcher
who became the first woman to lead the UK. Nothing much has changed – much like Cherie Blair today

I've known Craig for approaching 16 years now, since we both used to have hair, in fact.

Now both of us look like those dodgy geezers on Crimewatch. Maybe that's why Craig fits in so well in C I D

I first met him at school and when we found out that we both lived in Molesey we decided to meet up at 7pm that night on our bikes but he dialed 999 because I didn't have any lights.

But I didn't hold it against him. Just being a good citizen he said.

His first job after school was in Tesco's In the fruit and veg department but he was moved on to the back of the shop because he was always squeezing the customers’ melons if they asked if they'd be all right to eat that night

Then he went to Superfish but he had to leave because he said it wasn't right to batter the fish
– what had they done to him?

I always though he'd end up as a policeman because at school when I ran to assembly He gave me a speeding ticket

I was so cross I threw it away and he gave me a summons for being a litter lout

His first girlfriend at school was very nice but they broke up after she got a zit And he gave her an on-the-spot fine

He was very good with computers at college In fact he had an idea to give every bobby on the beat their very own interactive, intranet overhead cam-shaft televisual computer that could do everything and would show them exactly what was going on, everywhere – all over the world Even as far as Staines

He was going to call it PC WORLD – but someone else got their first. Ah, well

As those of you who know him can tell,
he hasn't changed much.
Over the years, he's proven to be the best friend a man could have.
He's like a big friendly Labrador.
Just sits on the floor, dribbling and licking his bowl

There's nothing I wouldn't do for him,
and
likewise, nothing he wouldn't do for me. In fact we spend our whole lives doing nothing for each other.

When Craig first met Claire, she had no idea he was a policeman.
She thought he had no dress sense
until he explained he was in plain clothes.
Very plain clothes.
But Claire's improved him now.

He said he was working deep undercover on a big case.
Trying to find out who was taking the luggage labels off the Samsonite at Heathrow – or Thiefrow as it's known

Craig and Claire are perfect together. They've got no secrets – nor will they have Because now they've got the same initials they will be opening each other's mail for the rest of their lives Claire's a career lady too.
She's an occupational therapist. That means she goes around, meets people and assesses their needs if they are in any trouble.

When Craig found out what she did, he said "I need you to make my life therapeutic"

I'd say she's made him a better person
since they've been together.
Claire, I'd like to thank you on behalf of humanity for that.

Stag details

As you may know a group of us – mainly Craig's colleagues from Her Majesty's Constabulary went on a short cultural tour of Prague recently to take in the art galleries, museums and palaces

But we were all forced to visit some of the many breweries making excellent Czech beer

After a few refreshments on the morning brewery tour Craig decided that it would be a good idea that we visit some of the local areas of interest.

Wherever we went he would keep disappearing We'd lose him in the main square and in the pubs Wherever we went we had to get the sniffer dogs out to find him

Even in one small bar he got detached from us and but we found him later at the end of the bar jabbering away with the locals who loved it
– he would be welcome anywhere the locals said because he was fluent IN GIBBERISH.

The barman had also had problems understanding Craig's request for lager and was handing him pints of vodka.
When the time came to go I opened the door for Craig and turned round to see if the others were following and Craig had disappeared again.

It wasn't till I looked down that I realized my dear friend was on the floor in front of me.
Still talking gibberish.

BUT now I've got make a confession and admit that most of what I've said was
COMPLETE GIBBERISH
and was only meant in jest
To help people relax, smile and remember that the stars of this wonderful
day
are *..

CLARE AND CRAIG !

Let's wish them well and a wonderful life and future.